I've pretty much messed up my life. I'm a 16 year old, I go to a very demanding all-girls high school. When I say demanding, I mean I literally have to stay up until 1 am to finish it. Maybe I'm a little distracted when I work, but I used to give it my all. I didn't get into the school easy, they had a few rounds of admissions and I was not the best in middle school so I got into the high school in one of the last rounds.
So around last year, the pressure started getting on me and I started losing it. I lost my passion for learning (whatever that was already in me), I lost all interest and started to neglect my work, instead I'd just spend hours on the computer, wasting my life. My school is horribly boring, there's not much extra curricular stuff and all I'm interested in is being a director. I'm not that great in any subject except the simple ones like English.
I used to have a lot of friends, but the number decreased as I started becoming irresponsible, unlike the person I was before. See, here, instead of helping me out or asking me what's wrong, they basically bullied me and my self-esteem went from 90% to like a 40%.
Because of all the work, and the embarrassment of not completing my assignments, I started missing school. I didn't have much encouragement from friends or parents, but then again I take full responsibility, because I didn't even try. I just completely stopped. And now, I'm home on a school day. I haven't been expelled or anything, but I'm just so scared to face everyone at school. I've bunked like 2 weeks and at first my parents understood and were okay with me taking a break, but a few days ago, my mom got mad and told me I had to go. So I got ready early in the morning, fully dressed and had my backpack on... I left the house, but never went to school. Where did I go? A coffee shop. I just sat and waited and waited. My mom thought I was at school and my teachers thought I was SICK at home. Neither were right.
I came home later and I acted like I did go to school, little did I know the school had called her to check on me. She found out I lied and didn't go and basically grounded me. She can't take away my laptop - which by the way is my biggest distraction - because I have to do my papers/essays/etc on it. Even though I end up not doing them anyway, she can't because then she knows I'd just blame her for taking it away.
I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no motivation, the people around me aren't encouraging me much, my friends make it only worse by asking me questions over and over like "why did you miss so much school?" "why are you sick so often?" "what happened to you?" "why are you so irresponsible?"
I'm so tired of everything, SO tired that I've recently had suicidal thoughts. I don't spend quality time with my family at all. I feel lonely and my friends seem so fake, always judging me and trying to use my character against me. I feel like no one cares, no one wants to help. I want to help myself but I feel like I can't do anything alone. I'm so frustrated with myself, sometimes I just get up and go "I'm gonna work hard." but end up losing it with all the work again. I keep falling down and I've tried applying for other schools but we can't afford the really good ones and my grades aren't good enough to get me into the cheap, but top ones.
I'm screwing up my life and I know it. I asked my parents if I could go to boarding school, that just seems like the easier option - to start all new with new people, new school, new attitude, but they refuse to send me away and insist on me staying in this school. I can't do it anymore and I feel like a few more days idle like I am right now, I might totally lose it and do something stupid, like cut myself.
Please, I'm begging you, help? I just need someone to listen and give me advice and motivation. I'm hopeless. To you, this is probably just another question on Yahoo Answers, but to me this is everything. This is my only and last hope.
So around last year, the pressure started getting on me and I started losing it. I lost my passion for learning (whatever that was already in me), I lost all interest and started to neglect my work, instead I'd just spend hours on the computer, wasting my life. My school is horribly boring, there's not much extra curricular stuff and all I'm interested in is being a director. I'm not that great in any subject except the simple ones like English.
I used to have a lot of friends, but the number decreased as I started becoming irresponsible, unlike the person I was before. See, here, instead of helping me out or asking me what's wrong, they basically bullied me and my self-esteem went from 90% to like a 40%.
Because of all the work, and the embarrassment of not completing my assignments, I started missing school. I didn't have much encouragement from friends or parents, but then again I take full responsibility, because I didn't even try. I just completely stopped. And now, I'm home on a school day. I haven't been expelled or anything, but I'm just so scared to face everyone at school. I've bunked like 2 weeks and at first my parents understood and were okay with me taking a break, but a few days ago, my mom got mad and told me I had to go. So I got ready early in the morning, fully dressed and had my backpack on... I left the house, but never went to school. Where did I go? A coffee shop. I just sat and waited and waited. My mom thought I was at school and my teachers thought I was SICK at home. Neither were right.
I came home later and I acted like I did go to school, little did I know the school had called her to check on me. She found out I lied and didn't go and basically grounded me. She can't take away my laptop - which by the way is my biggest distraction - because I have to do my papers/essays/etc on it. Even though I end up not doing them anyway, she can't because then she knows I'd just blame her for taking it away.
I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no motivation, the people around me aren't encouraging me much, my friends make it only worse by asking me questions over and over like "why did you miss so much school?" "why are you sick so often?" "what happened to you?" "why are you so irresponsible?"
I'm so tired of everything, SO tired that I've recently had suicidal thoughts. I don't spend quality time with my family at all. I feel lonely and my friends seem so fake, always judging me and trying to use my character against me. I feel like no one cares, no one wants to help. I want to help myself but I feel like I can't do anything alone. I'm so frustrated with myself, sometimes I just get up and go "I'm gonna work hard." but end up losing it with all the work again. I keep falling down and I've tried applying for other schools but we can't afford the really good ones and my grades aren't good enough to get me into the cheap, but top ones.
I'm screwing up my life and I know it. I asked my parents if I could go to boarding school, that just seems like the easier option - to start all new with new people, new school, new attitude, but they refuse to send me away and insist on me staying in this school. I can't do it anymore and I feel like a few more days idle like I am right now, I might totally lose it and do something stupid, like cut myself.
Please, I'm begging you, help? I just need someone to listen and give me advice and motivation. I'm hopeless. To you, this is probably just another question on Yahoo Answers, but to me this is everything. This is my only and last hope.