Some times it all catches up to you, you know? Tonight seems to be my night. I'm just so fucking depressed. I sometimes can't see the sun, only the clouds. I usually find the happy in each day, hell I had a great time a few hours ago with some friends, I guess I can't stand to be alone anymore. I feel so alone sometimes, especially when working graveyard. I think I repress a lot of stress and anger, just tuck it way down. Then once in a while it just bursts out, full bore.
A co-worker I really was getting to know and like is going to be fired because she's a bit slow. This doesn't help my mood, but it's so much deeper than that. I'm just typing this so that I can try to organize this feeling, try to understand it and cope. I may erase the whole thing, who knows.
I feel things so deeply, sometimes I wish I could turn it off, just let all the bad go. I can when I'm just partying down, but it's only a temporary fix. It comes back, usually stronger than ever. I could go on and on about why, we all have our stories. I just need to type this to stay sane this night. I'm so close to the edge of reason. I hope none of you have to feel like this, but it seems all to common.
I have a mostly loving wife, and a mostly loving daughter. They have their own issues, and much of it involved unprovoked anger at me for things I cannot possibly fix. My job is going nowhere, I'm capable of so much more, but yet I hold myself back. I just cannot summon the motivation to just change this shit. I just want it to end. I'm ruling out suicide, so please keep all the "Just kill youself" posts to yourself. Fuck, there's just so much wrong with not only my life, but this world, this entire universe. I can't fix it all, but yet I feel responsible for some of it.
Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I just cared only about myself, and could just let it all go. Yet, I really feel selfishness is the root of all evil. So catch 22 for me, I don't want to become pure evil. I find the middle road most of the time, I laugh, have tons of friends and never enough time to do all the fun stuff with. It's not enough, it's never enough. It has to be though don't it? Why can't I learn that?
Sometimes it seems I can find the best in everyone else around me, and not in myself. I know that I love myself, I understand myself, I respect myself, and it's not enough. I feel so limited in this form. By form I mean human, you know the flesh bag part of us all. I get tired of all the eating and shitting and sweating and all of it. Of course, how else could I be? We are all trapped in these imperfect forms for now. Why should I feel so fucking strongly about not wanting to be what I am? I guess it's the crazy part of me. I can keep it in check almost all of the time, but nights like tonight remind me of how fragile my mind is. You ever feel like that? Like "one more thing and I'm going to snap?" Really snap, not cry, not flip someone off, but just go insane. I feel like that right now.
Many people would say to go to therapy. What a fucking crock of shit. In my life every time a therapist has been anywhere near my life, they immediately fuck it up. Like the therapist who convinced my brother that all his problems were because of other people, never looking inward, and then my brother tried to kill me, then eventually killed himself. Or the time my best friend told a therapist that he felt guilty about touching someone, and although the person was not harmed by it, he still felt guilty. Then the therapist called the police, had him arrested, and after months of "therapy" the woman decided my friend was actually the devil, just like the therapist said, even though there was no problem at all before that. Ruined his life, and hers in one fell swoop. No therapy, never.
So I just deal with it all as best I can. I come here now to vent my heart and soul. I just want to be heard, and a few will understand. I do feel your pain, just as you understand mine. Thank you for listening, it's helping. Seeing these little words, and sending them away, seems to help sometimes.
Looking back at this post I see where I am in this world. I still have much to learn and understand, I fear much of it is simply bad. I'll probably live long enough to see at least a few more friends die. I'll probably never get to move out of the shitty place I live. I'll see America get worse. The whole world for that matter. Even though I see the good as well, the happiness, there is so much darkness. So much.
I'll just live my life, like anyone. The best I can, it's never enough and yet it's just right. How fucked up is that?
Well cyberpeople, I hope you've had fun staring insanity in the face, as it were.
Here's a good example. Some guy just came up to the night window and wanted a room. He seemed nice enough, and drove a non-beat up car. He wanted a room, I told him the price, but he wanted a lower price. Don't we all... but why is it people think you should haggle over the price of a hotel room at 1 am? Do you go into a restaurant and haggle over the price of your meal? Do you tell the grocery store checker you want to pay less, or you'll just have to go somewhere else and then really expect them to just drop the price? So anyways, he needs a room because his tags on his expensive car are expired. *Break in, he just argued with me some more at the window as I was typing this. So the guys a local, and we do not rent to locals without credit cards because they have on several occasion destroyed the rooms and disturbed half the hotel, so no more cash for locals. He of course only has cash, and he was upset at me for not just doing it. So now I'm stuck between trusting my fellow man, or losing my job. I don't like that place. I'd like to just rent him a room, no problem. Several times in the past I've done that and EVERY one of them burned me. They trashed the room and threw a party, causing me no end of grief. One group even punched holes in the walls. Without a credit card to fall back on, the hotel was out some serious cash, and I nearly lost my job. So this guy expects me to rent a room to a guy with a nice wardrobe, a 20 grand car, a pocket full of cash, but he doesn't have a debit card or a credit card? Of course he does, trying to guilt trip me with "But my tags are expired! I got pulled over last night!" I find myself wanting to believe, I want to trust. When all is said and done it's not my policy, I know that. He's a local with cash, straight up a firing offense if he fucks up. So I can't trust him, and I send him away pissed. I don't like having to make anyone upset at me, and I have to choose between my boss and this guy. Who do I want to be pissed at me? It just sucks. I hate that shit. I feel that way all the time with my friends and family, always wanting more of me, never getting enough. It's one thing to be wanted, it's another thing for people who want more to accuse you of neglecting them because you can't find enough time in the fucking day to please them all!
I'm going to have a smoke, think about all this. It's nice to just be able to get this stupid sobby weepy shit of my chest, as it were. I don't think I'll go mad tonight. We'll see.
A co-worker I really was getting to know and like is going to be fired because she's a bit slow. This doesn't help my mood, but it's so much deeper than that. I'm just typing this so that I can try to organize this feeling, try to understand it and cope. I may erase the whole thing, who knows.
I feel things so deeply, sometimes I wish I could turn it off, just let all the bad go. I can when I'm just partying down, but it's only a temporary fix. It comes back, usually stronger than ever. I could go on and on about why, we all have our stories. I just need to type this to stay sane this night. I'm so close to the edge of reason. I hope none of you have to feel like this, but it seems all to common.
I have a mostly loving wife, and a mostly loving daughter. They have their own issues, and much of it involved unprovoked anger at me for things I cannot possibly fix. My job is going nowhere, I'm capable of so much more, but yet I hold myself back. I just cannot summon the motivation to just change this shit. I just want it to end. I'm ruling out suicide, so please keep all the "Just kill youself" posts to yourself. Fuck, there's just so much wrong with not only my life, but this world, this entire universe. I can't fix it all, but yet I feel responsible for some of it.
Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I just cared only about myself, and could just let it all go. Yet, I really feel selfishness is the root of all evil. So catch 22 for me, I don't want to become pure evil. I find the middle road most of the time, I laugh, have tons of friends and never enough time to do all the fun stuff with. It's not enough, it's never enough. It has to be though don't it? Why can't I learn that?
Sometimes it seems I can find the best in everyone else around me, and not in myself. I know that I love myself, I understand myself, I respect myself, and it's not enough. I feel so limited in this form. By form I mean human, you know the flesh bag part of us all. I get tired of all the eating and shitting and sweating and all of it. Of course, how else could I be? We are all trapped in these imperfect forms for now. Why should I feel so fucking strongly about not wanting to be what I am? I guess it's the crazy part of me. I can keep it in check almost all of the time, but nights like tonight remind me of how fragile my mind is. You ever feel like that? Like "one more thing and I'm going to snap?" Really snap, not cry, not flip someone off, but just go insane. I feel like that right now.
Many people would say to go to therapy. What a fucking crock of shit. In my life every time a therapist has been anywhere near my life, they immediately fuck it up. Like the therapist who convinced my brother that all his problems were because of other people, never looking inward, and then my brother tried to kill me, then eventually killed himself. Or the time my best friend told a therapist that he felt guilty about touching someone, and although the person was not harmed by it, he still felt guilty. Then the therapist called the police, had him arrested, and after months of "therapy" the woman decided my friend was actually the devil, just like the therapist said, even though there was no problem at all before that. Ruined his life, and hers in one fell swoop. No therapy, never.
So I just deal with it all as best I can. I come here now to vent my heart and soul. I just want to be heard, and a few will understand. I do feel your pain, just as you understand mine. Thank you for listening, it's helping. Seeing these little words, and sending them away, seems to help sometimes.
Looking back at this post I see where I am in this world. I still have much to learn and understand, I fear much of it is simply bad. I'll probably live long enough to see at least a few more friends die. I'll probably never get to move out of the shitty place I live. I'll see America get worse. The whole world for that matter. Even though I see the good as well, the happiness, there is so much darkness. So much.
I'll just live my life, like anyone. The best I can, it's never enough and yet it's just right. How fucked up is that?
Well cyberpeople, I hope you've had fun staring insanity in the face, as it were.
Here's a good example. Some guy just came up to the night window and wanted a room. He seemed nice enough, and drove a non-beat up car. He wanted a room, I told him the price, but he wanted a lower price. Don't we all... but why is it people think you should haggle over the price of a hotel room at 1 am? Do you go into a restaurant and haggle over the price of your meal? Do you tell the grocery store checker you want to pay less, or you'll just have to go somewhere else and then really expect them to just drop the price? So anyways, he needs a room because his tags on his expensive car are expired. *Break in, he just argued with me some more at the window as I was typing this. So the guys a local, and we do not rent to locals without credit cards because they have on several occasion destroyed the rooms and disturbed half the hotel, so no more cash for locals. He of course only has cash, and he was upset at me for not just doing it. So now I'm stuck between trusting my fellow man, or losing my job. I don't like that place. I'd like to just rent him a room, no problem. Several times in the past I've done that and EVERY one of them burned me. They trashed the room and threw a party, causing me no end of grief. One group even punched holes in the walls. Without a credit card to fall back on, the hotel was out some serious cash, and I nearly lost my job. So this guy expects me to rent a room to a guy with a nice wardrobe, a 20 grand car, a pocket full of cash, but he doesn't have a debit card or a credit card? Of course he does, trying to guilt trip me with "But my tags are expired! I got pulled over last night!" I find myself wanting to believe, I want to trust. When all is said and done it's not my policy, I know that. He's a local with cash, straight up a firing offense if he fucks up. So I can't trust him, and I send him away pissed. I don't like having to make anyone upset at me, and I have to choose between my boss and this guy. Who do I want to be pissed at me? It just sucks. I hate that shit. I feel that way all the time with my friends and family, always wanting more of me, never getting enough. It's one thing to be wanted, it's another thing for people who want more to accuse you of neglecting them because you can't find enough time in the fucking day to please them all!
I'm going to have a smoke, think about all this. It's nice to just be able to get this stupid sobby weepy shit of my chest, as it were. I don't think I'll go mad tonight. We'll see.
, and I just get my mind off of it. 