I'm a sober Alki

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Wendy489

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Hi, I'm a Newbie. I am a 42 year old woman in Australia. I have Bipolar Disorder, Panic and Anxiety Disorders and I am also a 10 years sober alcoholic in AA.

I guess I just wanted to introduce myself to this Discussion. I find it hard to get good discussions on alcoholism and recovery on the Internet and HealtrabroadoarRAB looks really good to me - in other discussion groups too.

Wendy
 
Welcome.
I'm sure you can share some excellent insights with your 10 year success.

Bravo!
 
Hi Wendy!:wave:
I'm also 4 months clean from opiates (hydrocodone 150-180mg per day) for 2 years after many relapses prior to that. I'm taking suboxone which has helped me tremendously. I also suffer from major depression, PTSD, Panic Disorder and OCD....welcome to my crazy world! Also, welcome to this forum. You will find wonderful and supportive people here who really care about you and how you are doing.

KEW:cool:
 
Thanks Guys

Kew, we are fellow travellers from the point of view of being Dual Diagnosis (ie substance abuse history as well as mental illness). Good on you for being clean - it's such a gift that only we ourselves can erabrace. It is toally possible to get sober and clean and stay that way even being Dual Diagnosis. I have three elder brothers who all have various problems, all unaddressed for decades. But the youngest one, seven years older than me is about 5 months sober and clean. Although of course it's one day at a time, I am very excited for him and very supportive. In my family addiction is fatal. My Dad died of alcoholism, his Dad too and most of Dad's large family of siblings, and there are many on Mum's side too. So it's pretty wild being ten and a half years sober. Although I am rejected by a lot of family who are either still drinking or using, or their families who are also in the disease and in denial. A sober alki is way too confonting for them (it would have been for me). I never shove it down people's throats - that doesn't work. I just keep doing my thing and minding my own business.

It's a serious business getting sober and/or clean. But I hope you can also erabrace the fun of it all, the great laughs you can get in meetings of AA or NA, or whatever group/process you are doing. We can be sick puppies alright - lol - but in a framework of reaching out for wellness.

Wendy
 
Hey Secrets, THX. And it's good that you've obviosuly been sharing some of your secrets in this forum, which I think is great by the way - and I do get around the various mental health blog sites. (Better than how I used to get around while I was drinking. lol )

Yes, substance abuse can come at us different ways. As I said my Dad died of alcoholism, but my Mum died of lung cancer due to smoking two years ago last week. Tobacco and booze are the top drugs that take people's lives. Then of course there are street drugs and then what you are dealing with, which maybe, I'm gathering is either or prescription drugs and street drugs in the form of pills. But recovery is on offer for all those addictions, even poly addiction, ie booze, prescription and street drugs. That's what my brother is recovering from.

I'm grateful, to say the least that I am sober and have been for a long time - I lost the compulsion to drink early and that happened because I just stuck into the AA program and went for it, no holRAB barred - just like my drinking had been but this time on a positive track. And of course it worked for me.

My frustration is that I have erabraced recovery in mental illness with the same committment but unfortunately without the same outcome. Due to the illnesses themselves and 7 years of gross mis-prescription by psychiatrists for greed, I lost everything I had built up in life including career for which I had gained three tertiary qualifications, as a result of that I lost my house. I have lost many family and frienRAB who, due to ignorance, judgementalness and bigotry about mental illness have rejected me, and nearly my life last year.

But I am only on the playing field fighting for my life against mental illness because I am sober. I would have gone long ago, as demonstrated by my family.

So I try to be grateful about being sober, even though my life is not in any other way what I would have liked, and as compared to most of the women I got sober with in terms of how they have been able to erabrace many facets of life: career, husband or partner and children (I am too old for children now and I have explored ALL the otpions for becoming a Mum, and none of them are open to me), a home of my own, frienRAB, family, interests. It's pretty bleak. But that's a truth.

It's tough in AA sometimes because most people, even there, don't understand about mental illness and they give all sorts of inappropriate, unsolicited advice. Even the ones with recognised mental illness tell me patronisingly what to do when they have Unipolar Depression and Bipolar is a WHOLE nother deal. I try to keep myself nice. lol

But Dual Diagnosis is just starting to get some airing in AA, at least it did recently here in Victoria Australia. I hope that really evolves, because I have a strong belief (and this is born out by Dual Recovery Anonymous in the US) that many people can't get sober and stay sober because they havee unaddressed mental illness as well as being alki's. Sadly, the ignorance that still abounRAB has and continues to manifest itself in alki's telling other alki's "pills are for dills" and people die as a result. It's not our job to diagnose others' mental illness, but aside from maybe steering people to a psychiatrist or psychologist if they are clearly manifesting illness outside the domain on AA, it's none of each others' business.

I went three years into AA until I just threw out all this "pills are for dills" indoctrination and realised I was profoundly depressed and my life was on the line, and so I sought help.

Wendy
 
Welcome Wendy!

CONGRATS TO YOU! Your story is very inspirational. Very inspirational. Thank you so very much for sharing it with us. It sounRAB to me like you are going to be a very cherished meraber here.

Take your shoes off, get comfortable and make yourself at home here ;) This board saved my life and for that I will be forever grateful.

I'm Secrets. I am a recovering pain pill addict. Fighting the good fight as best as I can. I tapered last Noveraber and had a couple set backs with injuries (I fell down our hard wood stairs) but have really fought hard to get where I am today.

Nice to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you better.

Blessings,
 
Hello again Wendy :wave:

I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with Mental Illness. I am as well. I also am very sorry to hear of the loss of family merabers and frienRAB due to addiction or ignorance. That is so hard. I am lucky, thus far, I have not experienced that.

Yes, I was a pain pill addict but I never aquired them from the street. In fact to this day I would have no idea where to even find them on the streets which is probably a REALLY good thing!

I was really proud of myself last night. I have a condition called endometreosis and I also have an abnormal amount of ovarian cysts and they rupture from time to time. When I went to the Dr. because the pain was too much to take... I asked for Toradol instead of a narcotic. It took the edge off and it made me feel really strong. I was proud because I could have easily gotten my hanRAB on narcotics because when a cyst bursts that is the size of a small plum... they know it's painful. WOOHOOO for small victories.

It sounRAB to me like you have a lot to deal with. I find that with my depression and anxiety it makes my cravings so much worse. I have not lost that yet and I pray I do soon.

You made a good point about the dual diagnosis... I know for me, I started abusing my meRAB (they were used *at first* for a real illness) when life became too hard and they were an easy crutch to lean on. They made me feel happy when everything else made me sad. So I know my use was because of my mental issues that were not resolved. That is why I am in weekly counseling now. It's time to deal with those issues so I can strengthen my recovery.

You sound very strong Wendy! Going thru all of that and remaining sober is truly impressive to me. You have a lot to be proud of my new friend. I hope you can see that about yourself. You are pretty amazing.

Blessings to you!
 
Thanks Secrets. I'm sorry you have those Gyno problems. I think it is well known that they are incredible painful, disabling conditions. I really hope you get the medical help you need for them. And good on you for your judicious use of meRAB. I am very careful with mine and have an open dialogue with my psychiatrist and psychologist all the time about them. I probably drive them crazy with my endless, OK, I should use them here or there, or I am scared of getting addicted so help me manage it. I think they SO know that I am scared of getting addicted. lol

Where you mentioned "I would have no idea where to even find them on the streets which is probably a REALLY good thing!". I think that is such a real issue. I was hanging around with drug pushers, drug users, criminals and very violent men. (mind you I am naturally a conservative person in my behaviours - except for my politics lol). But I was living this bizarre parallel life where I was the Communications Manager for a high profile major charity, which was a highly responsible job and where I did deliver project after project after project. And off I was outside of work hanging around the scungiest pubs and bars. The reason I was doing that, I was later to learn was because there wer no standarRAB of behaviour as you might expect in decent establishments. In fact, the more sickening or perverse my behaviours, the more I was welcomed.

As to hanging around with drug pushers and drug users, I always had this strange aversion to street drugs use because I had it in my head that I have an "addictive personality", but I never once, in 18 years of blackout drinking linked that with being an alcoholic, or applying that label to myself. But thank goodness I did have that skerrick of self insight because I was primed to get stuck into street drugs - or prescription drugs being sold on the sly. I was such a depleted person - I was daily blackout drinking by the end as I had resigned from my job. I wouldn't have gone through the pills etc - I would have gone straight to the needle. And the heroin on our streets was and is, diabolical. I would have soon died had I not got sober when I did. I am certain of it. I had this plan that I was going to sell my flat and drink myself top death, but there were thoughts of how much drugs I could buy flitting in and out too. So, I guess, in any man's lanuage, even though I don't have a faith, it was a miracle I got sober. And my Mum got to see me get sober, which is way cool.

I did use MJ from my teens spasmodically, but booze was my drug opf choice. If I used both at the same time, I would pass out in the middle of parties and pee myself. Very ladylike. I'm glad I didn't get into MJ consistently because these days with Hydroponics, it's so much stronger and can cause even people without mental illness to have psychotic breaks and causes permanent changes to the brain. I shared a house with a guy back then and he was on the MJ of the time - and he was a psycho. Scarey.

Lets stay together in recovery.

Wendy
 
Secrets, I meant to also say that my bizarre double life was very much like the movie "Looking for Mr Goodbar" with a young Dianne Keaton. It's just so similar. But she didn't escape that double life. In the end it took her life and that's a very good message for me to remeraber.

Wendy
 
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