I wrote? Ok, so I quickly wrote this extract, probably not a story introduction but just a slice of the middle action. I need to know if I have any hope. THIS IS MY EARLIER QUESTION REPOSTED WITH VERY FEW MODIFICATIONS. I'm only 15 SO IT NOT VERY GOOD I KNOW. But please tell me advice and comments. THIS IS ONLY A RANDOM PIECE I WROTE IN 10-15 MINS SO THE STORY MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE STEPHENIE MEYER BUT IT THE FIRST THING I CAME UP WITH IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT, AND ACTUALLY I DIDNT IMAGINE THIS AS A VAMPIRE STORY AT ALL, BECAUSE IT NOT. THANKYOU!!!!!
His eyes seem to glisten in a vermillion tint, like a cherry delight dunked into red wine. This is bad. Real bad. Oh how I can guess the illegal strips of film that must roll behind his eye lids right now as he gazes down at me. His shoulders stay relaxed but his body towers over mine greatly whilst almost seemingly diluted by chameleon ink, for his clothing blends expertly with the backdrop of closed shops and street signs. I gulp in distaste as I watch the strange man cautiously. He looks so hungry.
“I’m guessing you’re drunk, mate?” I laugh nervously, my breath painting the air a pasty white. He chuckles at my nervousness.
“Not in the way you’re thinking of” He replies casually. The strange thing is, by the elegant swagger of his smooth talking tongue, he really doesn’t sound that drunk at all. I frown in confusion.
“But you smell so vile” I wrinkle my nose, decorating it with ripples at either side.”Like cologne and whiskey. And your eyes look so disorientated” I tell him honestly, but soon I regret my sad case of ‘foot in mouth’ disease. He’s so going to rape me now. Well done Hannah. Well fucking done, you smart ass. He chuckles again, but this time with a light brew of amusement cloudy within purple eyes. Oh why do I study this stranger’s eyes so closely?
“I like your honesty, girl. Your impulsive nature protects that stench of fear I just detected a moment ago” He comments, nodding his head of short cropped blackness smothered in hair gel. I narrow my eyes.
“Detected?” I scoff. “You sound like you can actually smell my fear” Foot in mouth. FOOT IN MOUTH! Damn it girl, why don’t you listen to your conscious? Dear god, I’m talking to myself. This is just great. Oh crap now I’m so screwed. The man raises one eye brow.
“Well that’s because I can” He tells me this as if it is the simplest thing in the world. I hug myself awkwardly, the coldness of the winter night finally slapping my skin. The stranger tilts his head.
“You’re cold” He notes, and then is silent as his eyes rake my every curve and flaw. “No older that sixteen” He then adds, whispering to himself. My chest ripples in a sensation of panic. His eyes lick over my body again, but this time with a hint of pleasure hidden in the corner of his upturned mouth, probably undressing me with his mind as I stand here uncomfortably, soaking in the bitter air.
“Are you going to hurt me” My voice breaks, but still I try my best to sound civilized and strong. He smiles.
“Only if you want me to” He replies with a devious grin. I frown. That sentence sounded way too...kinky.
“Excuse me?” I snap, again without thinking. His eyes shimmer with amusement. “Here mate you better get lost. I’m meeting my boyfriend right here in this spot, so don’t go thinking I’m some prostitute waiting for her next job, alright?” I tell him sharply. OH MY GOD! This is no way for a sixteen year old girl to be pursuing a potential sexual offender. What am I thinking? That’s just it, I’m not thinking at all!
“No” His smile grows bigger. “No you’re not waiting for some boyfriend, Hannah” He disagrees in a gentle voice, as if he finds my lies cute. My eyes amplify.
“How do you know my name?” I demand heatedly, the feeling in my legs slowly dissolving with my common sense. He steps forward and into the diluted light streaming from the street lamp above him. As he continues to stride forward I see several dirty shadows dance across his face when moves. An awkward lump crawls down the back of my throat. Why don’t I move away?
“But I’ve been waiting for you, my dear Hannah” He speaks softly, raising his right hand to touch my cheek. I shiver at his closeness.
“Why can’t I move?” I whisper to him, gazing into his ludicrously abnormal blackcurrant eyes, which to me are brimmed with blasphemy and dirty lust. He circles around me, hiding behind my back. The stranger’s fingers dance over my neck, and his lips move against my ear. I slowly let my eyes drop shut in a climax of utter helplessness. Strange.
“Because I do not wish it so” He answers in a low murmur, a seductive moan almost. I can even feel the light crust of pleasure surrounding his words as he speaks to me. And against all logic and common sense I have gained from my sixteen years of life...I find myself aroused by his attractive manner of mystery and tension. But why can’t I move?
His eyes seem to glisten in a vermillion tint, like a cherry delight dunked into red wine. This is bad. Real bad. Oh how I can guess the illegal strips of film that must roll behind his eye lids right now as he gazes down at me. His shoulders stay relaxed but his body towers over mine greatly whilst almost seemingly diluted by chameleon ink, for his clothing blends expertly with the backdrop of closed shops and street signs. I gulp in distaste as I watch the strange man cautiously. He looks so hungry.
“I’m guessing you’re drunk, mate?” I laugh nervously, my breath painting the air a pasty white. He chuckles at my nervousness.
“Not in the way you’re thinking of” He replies casually. The strange thing is, by the elegant swagger of his smooth talking tongue, he really doesn’t sound that drunk at all. I frown in confusion.
“But you smell so vile” I wrinkle my nose, decorating it with ripples at either side.”Like cologne and whiskey. And your eyes look so disorientated” I tell him honestly, but soon I regret my sad case of ‘foot in mouth’ disease. He’s so going to rape me now. Well done Hannah. Well fucking done, you smart ass. He chuckles again, but this time with a light brew of amusement cloudy within purple eyes. Oh why do I study this stranger’s eyes so closely?
“I like your honesty, girl. Your impulsive nature protects that stench of fear I just detected a moment ago” He comments, nodding his head of short cropped blackness smothered in hair gel. I narrow my eyes.
“Detected?” I scoff. “You sound like you can actually smell my fear” Foot in mouth. FOOT IN MOUTH! Damn it girl, why don’t you listen to your conscious? Dear god, I’m talking to myself. This is just great. Oh crap now I’m so screwed. The man raises one eye brow.
“Well that’s because I can” He tells me this as if it is the simplest thing in the world. I hug myself awkwardly, the coldness of the winter night finally slapping my skin. The stranger tilts his head.
“You’re cold” He notes, and then is silent as his eyes rake my every curve and flaw. “No older that sixteen” He then adds, whispering to himself. My chest ripples in a sensation of panic. His eyes lick over my body again, but this time with a hint of pleasure hidden in the corner of his upturned mouth, probably undressing me with his mind as I stand here uncomfortably, soaking in the bitter air.
“Are you going to hurt me” My voice breaks, but still I try my best to sound civilized and strong. He smiles.
“Only if you want me to” He replies with a devious grin. I frown. That sentence sounded way too...kinky.
“Excuse me?” I snap, again without thinking. His eyes shimmer with amusement. “Here mate you better get lost. I’m meeting my boyfriend right here in this spot, so don’t go thinking I’m some prostitute waiting for her next job, alright?” I tell him sharply. OH MY GOD! This is no way for a sixteen year old girl to be pursuing a potential sexual offender. What am I thinking? That’s just it, I’m not thinking at all!
“No” His smile grows bigger. “No you’re not waiting for some boyfriend, Hannah” He disagrees in a gentle voice, as if he finds my lies cute. My eyes amplify.
“How do you know my name?” I demand heatedly, the feeling in my legs slowly dissolving with my common sense. He steps forward and into the diluted light streaming from the street lamp above him. As he continues to stride forward I see several dirty shadows dance across his face when moves. An awkward lump crawls down the back of my throat. Why don’t I move away?
“But I’ve been waiting for you, my dear Hannah” He speaks softly, raising his right hand to touch my cheek. I shiver at his closeness.
“Why can’t I move?” I whisper to him, gazing into his ludicrously abnormal blackcurrant eyes, which to me are brimmed with blasphemy and dirty lust. He circles around me, hiding behind my back. The stranger’s fingers dance over my neck, and his lips move against my ear. I slowly let my eyes drop shut in a climax of utter helplessness. Strange.
“Because I do not wish it so” He answers in a low murmur, a seductive moan almost. I can even feel the light crust of pleasure surrounding his words as he speaks to me. And against all logic and common sense I have gained from my sixteen years of life...I find myself aroused by his attractive manner of mystery and tension. But why can’t I move?