My entire life, I have been battling anxiety and depression and OCD. I only found out this past year what exactly has been going on with me. I couldn't figure it out. I am 18. These past couple months, I have made some great improvements, but nothing note worthy. I had two good weeks of life and energy and charisma and normalcy, which ended last week. My sleeping schedule started to get messed up again, I have become more and more indifferent towards things, and my OCD symptoms have not been getting better at all. Tonight, I became very apathetic, then extremely depressed, and I actually broke down. I feel alone. I really don't have many friends. I live in the quiet suburbs. My parents are divorced, I have always been a very charismatic and likable person who loves being social but I don't have a "group", I have had a weight problem for 10 years which puts a damper on everything and it almost doesn't even worry me anymore, I don't relate to anyone. I feel guilty for being such a pain in the ***, and I feel terrible for my parents, especially my mother. I wish that she could be the happy loving mother she was when I was a child. I cry when I think of her love, and how she was hurt by my father leaving, and later by my failures. Reminiscing about all of this will do nothing to make anything better though. I have to take action. I have to be strong, and thats what I've been doing. But whenever I get better, I somehow get guided off the wrong track. Almost like I get lazy and don't realize it. I start to resent my mother for not putting these good things in my life, and it's almost like a vicious circle.
I hate to talk like this, but I feel like a stupid failure, despite all of my great characteristics. I know my skills and my qualities of prosperity, but I still feel like a failure. I am a great cook, I have very generous by nature, if I am your friend I am a great and loyal friend, I always do what is good for my family first, I am a creative thinker, a great writer, I love to study, etc.
With all of the things that I can say are good things about myself, I still feel like they're just fake. Like I am selfish for being that way. I feel guilty. Unworthy. I am the man of the house. I can't be weak. I can't be a wimp. I can't put my mother through so much effort the way that I have and upset her. So now I have to keep it all to myself. Even posting this on here, to me, it is a sign of weakness. What is wrong with me? Is it a chemical imbalance? Or is it both a chemical imbalance and an emotional problem? I don't know how to be stable, or disciplined. I do have a problem with telling myself no. Maybe that is my OCD? Or just a lack of discipline and the result of being somewhat spoiled as a child? I don't know. But I am getting older, I am becoming a man, and I have to be the kind of man that my mother, and my wife need. A strong and masculine one, to protect them, and to provide for them, and to love them. I can't be preoccupied with my constant weakness all the time like a little b!!!tch. If I have children I don't want them to see me like this. If I do get upset, I need to be able to keep it in, manage it, confront it, and get over it the best that I can. I can't be a f**king weirdo, breaking down in my car where no one will hear me. Please help. I have to be strong if I want to be independent, and a healthy person to better serve the responsibilities that I have in my life. What should I do to improve myself? What is messing with me like that? I will greatly appreciate anything you say. Your words mean a lot to me. As long as they aren't insults. lol. Please help. Thank you.
I hate to talk like this, but I feel like a stupid failure, despite all of my great characteristics. I know my skills and my qualities of prosperity, but I still feel like a failure. I am a great cook, I have very generous by nature, if I am your friend I am a great and loyal friend, I always do what is good for my family first, I am a creative thinker, a great writer, I love to study, etc.
With all of the things that I can say are good things about myself, I still feel like they're just fake. Like I am selfish for being that way. I feel guilty. Unworthy. I am the man of the house. I can't be weak. I can't be a wimp. I can't put my mother through so much effort the way that I have and upset her. So now I have to keep it all to myself. Even posting this on here, to me, it is a sign of weakness. What is wrong with me? Is it a chemical imbalance? Or is it both a chemical imbalance and an emotional problem? I don't know how to be stable, or disciplined. I do have a problem with telling myself no. Maybe that is my OCD? Or just a lack of discipline and the result of being somewhat spoiled as a child? I don't know. But I am getting older, I am becoming a man, and I have to be the kind of man that my mother, and my wife need. A strong and masculine one, to protect them, and to provide for them, and to love them. I can't be preoccupied with my constant weakness all the time like a little b!!!tch. If I have children I don't want them to see me like this. If I do get upset, I need to be able to keep it in, manage it, confront it, and get over it the best that I can. I can't be a f**king weirdo, breaking down in my car where no one will hear me. Please help. I have to be strong if I want to be independent, and a healthy person to better serve the responsibilities that I have in my life. What should I do to improve myself? What is messing with me like that? I will greatly appreciate anything you say. Your words mean a lot to me. As long as they aren't insults. lol. Please help. Thank you.