I have recently come to terms with the fact that I was raped at 12. Days in denial, followed by years of guilt and shame left me in silence about what really happened. I haven't told my family or friends. I don't want them to know that I was powerless and in that situation for fear they would think less of me. However, this year I made myself tell two of my closest friends and I have started to heal by acknowledging the past instead of covering it up.
I have had lots of boyfriends, and have had quite an avid social life. But always, I have had this problem with close intimacy. I am afraid of being forced to do something again or something... I'm not sure, but I am resigned to say the least. One of my boyfriends tried to force me into sex again, and I was terrified because not only did I not want to, but I had a memory flash from the rape that was so real I started to cry and freaked out.
Now I have a boyfriend that is amazing. He knows about what happened and is always patient with me. For once I actually want to be close to him. I feel no fear and I trust him always. We get intimate all the time and last night I actually had sex with him - something I wasn't sure I would be able to do- but always I flash or go through a moment of sheer panic that makes everything a nightmare.
I'm damaged. I don't know how to fix it! I would do anything to make him happy but what if I can't make him happy because of what happened? Its all my fault and I need a way to make things better.
Definition of Rape: cornered in a basement by my best friends older brother. beaten and forced to do things I never wanted to do or knew about. He was 20.
Please don't ask for details of what happened other than what was told. I can't even tell the ones that know about it those facts.
I have had lots of boyfriends, and have had quite an avid social life. But always, I have had this problem with close intimacy. I am afraid of being forced to do something again or something... I'm not sure, but I am resigned to say the least. One of my boyfriends tried to force me into sex again, and I was terrified because not only did I not want to, but I had a memory flash from the rape that was so real I started to cry and freaked out.
Now I have a boyfriend that is amazing. He knows about what happened and is always patient with me. For once I actually want to be close to him. I feel no fear and I trust him always. We get intimate all the time and last night I actually had sex with him - something I wasn't sure I would be able to do- but always I flash or go through a moment of sheer panic that makes everything a nightmare.
I'm damaged. I don't know how to fix it! I would do anything to make him happy but what if I can't make him happy because of what happened? Its all my fault and I need a way to make things better.
Definition of Rape: cornered in a basement by my best friends older brother. beaten and forced to do things I never wanted to do or knew about. He was 20.
Please don't ask for details of what happened other than what was told. I can't even tell the ones that know about it those facts.