I was a poster many moons ago & could use both old and new ears, Sarandipity?!

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dallas, i very much remeraber you. i have always been "the lurker", posting sporatically but lurking everyday. i remeraber all the people you mentioned as well as remerabering very clearly the "dark and lonely" first night you posted. As i watched you choose life, and extend your hand to others, i remeraber taking a great admiration in you.
you see, at that time i was at a crossroaRAB - clean for over 15 years but teetering on the brink of relapse due to a very painful medical condition. your post was the one that "scared me into reality" so to speak. i could have written your first post 15 yrs earlier. i identified with you so much. well, i am still around and still (by the grace of God) on the straight and narrow. i feel i owe you a great thanks for sharing your story on that particular night!
I am so glad that you are still out there but i feel for the great sadness that you have suffered recently. My condolences.
As for your crossroaRAB now..i know that you can do this if it is truly what you need to do. i feel it is or you would not be back here. you are choosing the correct route as methadone is a hard one to deal with. there is a poster named Yossarian that has done it and hopefully he will show up and give you the lowdown. in the meantime , i wish you the very best of strength in your time of need and please keep posting of your progress. i care...
 
Hi all,

Six years ago I was a "lurker" on this board while I was trying to figure out what to do about my opiate addiction...prescription pain pills to be more accurate. Then one very lonely and suicidal night, I started out with 240+ Vicodin, close to 100 benzos, and a gallon of vodka because I was truly ready to end it all. That was when I made my very first post, and I received so many caring replies while I was passed out and only saw the next day, and I was shocked at the difference it made to me. There were people who really seemed to care, and although it was via cyberspace, these people literally saved my life.

Since then, those whom I got close to either drifted away or perceived me as drifting away, and some were no longer able to post here. I put myself into a methadone program which totally saved my life and got me back to a sense of "normalcy," (what that means for an opiate addict I'm really not sure!), I was back at work, taking good care of my kiRAB, and really working the program...stopping to smell the roses and enjoying the little things I used to call "life."

That was over four years ago, and I find myself still going to the methadone clinic (they told me upon my intake evaluation that for someone who has been on drugs of some kind or another for as long as I had been, 35+ years, that it would be a 6-to 12-month program for me. Well now I just passed my 4 1/2 year anniversary there and I don't want to do it anymore. I've tapered down from 135 mgs. a day to 100, as I'm preparing to go to...dare I say...REHAB! Yikes!!

So given my current change of thought, I was hoping to get back on here and reconnect with some of those that I spoke to in the past--Sarandipity for sure, since she also went to rehab; TwinLynn and her sister Best Friend, Christian Mom, Lisaaahub (where are you!?), Goddess Girl, Banker, Ellnyc, Philster, Rockingham, and a woman who was doing really well on methadone but it's been so long I can't remeraber her user name...Jen??? (so sorry). All of these folks, along with many more that my brain cells have apparently been chewing away at, helped me so much as I struggled to make my decision to even get help in the first place, and I am hoping they will somehow see this and give me more sage advice as I enter the next part of my recovery journey.

Even if I don't hear from them, I hope that somewhere in all these new names I see, that I will hear from some of you all as to any experiences you have had from going from vicodin to methadone and then to either suboxone and/or inpatient rehab.

I am SO very scared as I prepare to leave in 10 days for a 90-day stay in Pasadena (which is very far away from my hometown and comfort-level of over 40 years in Colorado!) I was married for 18 years, got divorced at 40, was single for 10 years, remarried in Feb. '08, only to have him succurab to pancreatic cancer 4 months ago. If anything can come from something bad, it was that his death gave me the resources to venture out of state (there was nothing close to home that would take me at the high dose of methadone I was on...not to mention my benzo and alcohol addiction), and after calling close to 30 facilities, this one in Pasadena agreed to take me and help me get off the methadone. One other thing I am hopeful for is that they will also help me address the issues that got me to spend my life on drugs. It's like one day I was 12 and riding my pony (yes, I really did have one! :)) and then I woke up and found myself widowed at 51, addicted to methadone, alone and scared. The clinic here was a huge help in the beginning and got me out of a lot of that stinkin' thinkin' but now it seems I've been there too long and the emotional, mental help they can offer has run its course.

So if any of you "oldies but goodies" recognize me and would touch base with me, I'd be so happy; and on the other hand, if any of you new folks whom I haven't had the pleasure to yet chat with, would like to toss me a lifeboat, I'd surely love to hear from you.

All my best to those old and new, and I am so glad to see all the new names because that just shows you the positive power that a group of people can have on each other. I wish you all good luck with your inner "demons." and I truly believe it can be done...it was for me, just for too short a time and without enough support resources. I so hope I am making the right decision to leave the methadone clinic and go to an in-patient rehab. What's the worst that can happen, I guess?!

All my best,

Dallas Alice
 
I do remeraber you and the other people that you mentioned. I too miss those other posters. I usually lurk here myself - don't post very often.

It sounRAB as if you are erabarking on the next phase in your life. You go for it!!!!!!! It can be done!!! hahhahahahahah!!!!!!! And you are worth it!!!

Nikka
 
Hi Secrets,

So I'm curious about your user name...somewhere I heard the phrase that "a person is only as sick as their secrets." Have you ever heard that? It makes sense, but I also think everyone on here could have secrets in their name as that is what addicts do--we keep secrets. Or at least we think we are. I found out that I really wasn't sneaking much past anyone. So I did the obvious, I pushed everyone I knew away from me so I could be alone with my "real frienRAB," my pills. I was up to 15 to 25 vicodin and/or percocet a day at the time I went on methadone.

I don't know how old you are, but if the 1983 in your name relates to a special date, I would suspect you are in your mid-20s? Not that it matters, but it does to me in the sense that I am glad you are getting your help now instead of waiting as long as I did. I so appreciate your reply and the sincerity you expressed when you basically said, "just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, then there's the story of my husband's stepson." Because he was only a few years younger than me, I never really thought of him as my stepson, but technically he was, and I haven't let myself grieve for him yet as I am still grieving his dad. Too much too soon. I knew my husband was ill when we got married, but we loved each other, and we actually got married at the hospital chapel. We were going to take the "for better, for worse" vows anyway, it's just that the for worse came sooner.

Anyway, I digress! I wanted to talk to you about the cravings and the lieing and the things that we all do when in full-blown addiction. First, please don't beat yourself up about anything past or present. It doesn't matter how you got there, and it is not your fault. No one wakes up one day and says I think I'll be a drug addict when I grow up. If you read my post on BreatheNoMore's thread about being raped; I was raped, too, and it was a lifetime ago but the point I'm trying to send both of you is how great it is that you are getting help now instead of later. I often wonder what my life would have been like if the things that happened when I was young had been addressed at that time instead of over 30 years later, but I can't do anything about it now; just keep plodding forward.

Another thing I wanted to say to you is that it is very easy to be honest on these boarRAB. The anonyminity creates a sense of security, For me, the first time I said it out loud to someone in person, he simply listened while I poured out the story of how I got addicted (very similar to your story...although I can't blame the doctors, I chose to ignore the prescription dosage information); I had 8 surgeries along with giving birth to 2 children and I was given every drug I asked for. Please don't feel bad for your actions--I actually saved the pain meRAB I was given after surgery so I could use them later, you know, for those "special" occasions.

I have treated people's emotions carelessly, stolen, lied so much I had to keep things I said written down so I could keep track of things, I've dated pharmacists, doctors, and chronic-pain patients, taken pain meRAB from family and frienRAB' medicine cabinets--even my mother-in-law's pain meRAB when she was dieing from ovarian cancer. It makes me sick, but it also makes me realize I am sick and I needed and still need help. At this point in life, I don't think I would do those things again...but when the cravings hit, you never really know. It is my hope that through this inpatient residential rehab program, that I will learn more about why I did what I did and how to keep from repeating that behavior.

Alas, I "talk" too much! I really wanted to thank you for your support, and to ask you to please not beat yourself up for past actions because what counts is that you are almost 70 days sober and that is HUGE! I could never have had the discipline to do that. You did well. When I see your posts to others, you seem very genuine in your heartfelt replies.

If you can, I hope someday you will say whatever you need to out loud to just one person. It seems that when we say things out loud, it makes it more real; otherwise, we continue having these very emotionally tiring "ping-pong" conversations in our heaRAB! It's hard to be alone with your thoughts. Just think about it, and whatever works for you, do it. It seems to be working for you so far!

Good luck, thanks again, and sorry for the looong post!

Dallas Alice
 
Hi Upatnite,

I am so sorry that I don't recall your user name, but by your join date, you would have been on here a few to maybe several months before I finally stopped lurking and made that first full-of-angst post. That was truly one of the roughest nights of my life, and I honestly don't even remeraber what I had written until I woke up after passing out in front of my computer and seeing all these sincere replies asking me to please do anything but not take myself out of my children's lives. It was a life-saving gesture that happened, and I am glad I stopped lurking. Of course, then I got addicted to posting! LOL.

So your reply was very kind and genuine sounding and I truly believe in Karma, so if anything good could come from my sick-sounding and selfish post that first night, I am so very glad you told me about it. I understand about lurking...a person will post only when they are ready, it seems as if it truly is a form of asking for help. Again, even if it is only in cyberspace. I do think the true anonymous feeling a board like this lenRAB a person can really help them if they aren't ready to talk to a group or go to a meeting. What works for one, say meetings, may not work for someone else. I've been close to going to meetings outside of the methadone clinic's meetings, but I have a fear of disclosing the fact I'm on methadone--trading one drug for another type of thing, and I am afraid of any backlash. So that is my current excuse...some people tell me that I don't have to tell anyone at an AA or NA meeting that I'm on it, but then I feel I wouldn't truly be being honest, you know?

So about you, again, I can't express how your reply lifted my spirits. I know that might sound selfish, but to think that something I might have said and/or done that 5 years ago may have had a positive effect on someone going through, or having already been through, what could be more uplifting and ego-boosting. I am sorry for your past trials and troubles, but I am so happy for you that you are keeping your cravings at bay. To be honest, that is the thing I am most afraid of. I know I am jumping ahead as I haven't even gotten on the plane to rehab yet, but I've been questioning how I will handle things when rehab is over. Heck, I'm even questioning if I'll have a drink on the plane on my way there...ick! You know what, I'm sure I will, sigh.

Thank you for condolences. I felt as if the universe was doling out some sick joke on the both of us. He was widowed 6 years before we met, and I had been divorced for 10 years. We met at work, same place I met his stepson who committed suicide, and at first there was a professional voice in my head that said "keep him at bay," but love won me over, and even though we spent out wedding night only watching the sunset from his 5th floor hospital room window, it was as romantic and special as any wedding night could be.

He had done a tour in Vietnam and had his own ghosts of drugs and other things to deal with, but once he was diagnosed with diabetes several years ago, he never touched a thing. That, corabined with his stepson's situation at the methadone clinic, he never, ever once judged me, complained, or did anything but be supportive and there for me...even when he was only days away from breaking on through to the other side. I miss talking to him so much, he was always much more clear-headed than me; I was the reactionary, he was more practical. But the love was unconditional on both parts and I am trying so hard to be happy for the time we had together rather than by cynical about the time that was taken from us be that terrible disease known as the big "C."

Again, I didn't mean to digress and turn this into another diatribe like my other posts! And if you do remeraber me, then you know I would type forever, and ever, and ever...! It's cool to hear from someone from "back then." I am so glad you replied to my post, but I am even more glad to hear that in some way something I may have posted might have been a help to you.

Hope to talk again...I leave on the 22nd, and I don't know if I'll have internet access. Hmmm, maybe I should find out if I can bring a laptop? Somehow I don't think they will allow it, but hey, I can always ask!

Thanks for your reply, it really meant a lot to me.

Dallas Alice
 
Hey DallasAlice,

WELCOME BACK! I am a newbie but read your story and it truly touched my heart! I really think you are making the right decision! I really do! I have never been on methadone so I don't know the ins and outs of that.. However, I don't believe it's the norm to be on it for so long.. However, I may be completely wrong.. What I do know is.... you have been thru hell and back from the sounRAB of it and it takes one strong person to endure the things you have. When I read the part about you marrying in Feb 08 and then losing him... Tears formed in my eyes and I tried to imagine what that must have been like but I truly could not imagine the pain involved.

I am so glad you started posting again! I love getting to know new people on here and hearing all the stories! I too am addicted to opiates. I am now pill free for 68 days and finally feeling "normal" again... Fighting the inner demons has been a struggle from day one for me so you are not alone... Stick around.. We are here to support you! Be proud of yourself for making this step towarRAB sobriety! Its really something to be proud of! You CAN do this!

You will be in my thoughts and prayers DallasAlice!
~Secrets
 
Hello and welcome back to the board!! :) I am a newbie, but like you, I have found so much strength and support through these boarRAB. I am so proud of you for deciding to check in to an in-patient rehab!! Drug addiction is such a vicious cycle, but I know you can make it.

I've struggled with drug addiction for years. Prescription pills were my poison of choice: valium, vicodin, percoset, methadone, adderall, hydrocodone, lorcet. Eventually became heavily addicted to percoset and adderall. I detoxed and stayed clean for awhile but then fell back into it over this past summer and began heavily using muscle relaxers, hydrocodone, and adderall. It's strange how much addiction can change a person...it was like I had become somebody even I didn't recognize.

I admire your strength and courage, especially considering the horrible tragedy of your husbanRAB death. It sounRAB awful to say, but I couldn't imagine staying clean after having gone through that. I was raped very recently and every day is a struggle. I'm good until I'm alone at night..and then I just fall apart.

I wish you the best of luck with rehab!! You seem to be such a strong person and that is something to be very, very proud of. :)

*~Krystal
 
Hi Nikka and Secrets,

Thanks for the posts! Nikka, your name looks familiar to me, too, I joined in 2004 and see you were here in '03. I do miss those olRABters and I hope to hear from some. It seems in some weird way that sometimes some blast from the past will "get a feeling" to check in on the boarRAB and a once-old relationship becomes new again. I understand about lurking. When I made my first post, I felt like I had the upper hand in a way as the posters here didn't know me, but I'd been following their stories for two years and felt like I was dropping in for coffee! Truly though, the support and encouragement I received here was like having a new family, and I honestly don't think I would have taken any steps towarRAB a recovery program if I hadn't started talking to the posters here.

Secrets, thanks for the big welcome back! Your reply touched me very much. Big-time congrats on 68 days! That is huge; be very proud of yourself. I could never make it past day 3 before I'd put myself in the ER with some vague complaint I'd get relief from morphine or a demerol/phenargen cocktail. Thing is, I truly believed I had pain...and maybe I did, but in hinRABight, not to that extent. It is truly amazing what a person will do to get their drug of choice. If you ever hear yours DOC calling, be strong and don't answer. It took getting rid of all the people I knew, counseling and the help of an opiate antagonist to keep from relapsing. Is relapse a concern for you? I hope you have a strong support system to turn to if you get hit with cravings or find yourself thinking about them...definately use this board, these folks are the best!

As for the length of time on the methadone, I am now being told that "it varies from person to person;" however, I've been seeing the same people there for as long as I've been going, and as I get to talking to them in group meetings, many of the patients I have met have been there up to 20 years. I believe there are circumstances that exist for people whom it is meant to be taken for life, but for what I went there to accomplish, well like I said, I think the resources they can offer have done their job and I've hit a plateau so I either keep going, take 2 years to taper the rest of the way off, or I take a leap...guess I've chosen leaping. The withdrawals of methadone are horrific, and if you can't make your payments on time, this clinic does a "fee-tox" which is where they take you down from your current dose over a 14-day period. It's supposed to be the fastest way they can do it by staying in a "humane" arena. My husband's stepson had been at 145 mgs./day for 13 years and he was fee-toxed; subsequently he couldn't handle the withdrawals and shot himself two weeks before my husband (his stepdad) died. Scared me into taking action for sure. That's not to say everyone would respond that way, he had other issues that made it so difficult for him...now I just want off of it. It was a great help to me at first, but 4 1/2 years is too long.

So I am curious what to expect in rehab...any thoughts?
 
Hi Dallas.

So you're going to go to in-patient rehab. That's great. I think that you will love it.

I've been doing out-patient rehab for about 80 days now. I am over 60 days clean from my drug of choice. I went on suboxone therapy at the start of rehab to help with withdrawals, and it worked well for me. Additionally, the program that I am currently working has also made an incredible difference. I can see how the addiction has morphed itself into who I am and everything I do.

I should have gone to rehab a long time ago. I tried to quit and stay clean with the use of these boarRAB and nothing else, but it didn't work for me. About 4 months was the longest that I have had in sobriety. I needed to be around some people who had more and less clean time, people who have experienced what I have, people who care about me and my sobriety. It is amazing to me that there are people out there who do care. All one neeRAB to do is attend a few NA or AA meetings and listen carefully. There are loving people everywhere who want to help.

I was stubborn in my addiction. I wanted to be strong and do it on my own. I'm sure their are many who make it using raw willpower, but I'm not a meraber of that group. My only chance is to be a part of NA and out-patient therapy. The knowledge that I will take with me is invaluable. This time, when the program is over, I will be ready. Support systems are being put into place to make sure that I stay clean, just for today. Tommorrow will take care of itself.

Good luck. I hope to hear more about your journey off of the methadone and in rehab. You are strong. You are making the right choices. You WILL make it.

mk
 
BreathNoMore said:
I was raped very recently and every day is a struggle. I'm good until I'm alone at night..and then I just fall apart.

/QUOTE]

Hi and thank you so much for your supportive post. I don't know if you saw it, but I posted on your thread about your rape...it happened to me also and my story is in my post. I so understand about what happens at night. Things are so much larger and fearsome at 3:00 a.m. I've lived with insomnia for all my life as I am very sure there are monsters under my bed. Usually I sleep on the couch with the TV on now since my husband died.

At group they tell us that sexual/physical/mental/emotional/whatever sort of abuse a person is subjected to, especially when corabined with genetics, will usually result in some sort of drug abuse or addiction. At the methadone clinic, over the years almost every woman I've gotten to know has eventually disclosed that at some point in their lives they too were raped. Don't let that sick person take another minute from your life...the best revenge is living well, so when you are ready, you will know what to do.

There is a definite grieving period that goes with rape, because something was lost, but you can get it back and you will see that his actions don't define you--they only define him as the sick, sick person he is. When it happened to me, I was told by my parents not to tell anyone, again with the secrets. I hope when you can, you will get out there and talk, talk, talk, about what happened to you. Drugs do take away the pain, but we both know it's only a temporary "fix." I understand completely why you turned to them, though. I was 18 when I was tied up with electrical corRAB and raped at knifepoint, but by turning into a drug addict and becoming extremely promiscuous (sp?) afterwarRAB, in a way I feel like he was allowed to keep chipping away at my life. I so hope you will get your help now, please don't wait...

I can't tell you how much it means to me that after what happened to you, you would take time to reply to my post. I so appreciate what you said, and if you ever want to talk about what happened to you, I'll be there for you.

All my best,

Dallas Alice
Click to expand...
 
Hey Again!

HOLY SMOKES! That is a tragic story about your husbanRAB step son! How sad and I am sure that does spur you on to do things differently! As for rehab... I have no idea what to tell you. I have never been there but I know lots of others here have so maybe they can give you more info. I just truly think you are doing the right thing and am so happy to hear you have had the courage to do so! It really takes a LOT of courage and most people don't "really" understand what it takes to get help for yourself or to help yourself for that matter.

As for me.. Cravings.. YES! Big time.. I do fear relapsing! I think every addict does. My DOC was any type of pain pill but when I finally stopped taking them I was on Oxycontin and percoset. I feel stronger now than I ever had but yes... I do fear relapsing.. I crave the pills still strongly. When I crave.. I busy myself. I started this path with valid pain.. Real pain.. I took them as directed for a good month.. Then.. everything changed. You know how it goes... To be honest... I am a coward and have told NO ONE in my real life about my addiction. The only support I have is here.. I don't have the strength to tell someone. I am mortified about this. I detoxed and the close people around me knew I was going thru w/d because I had a medical condition that they knew I was taking them for.. However, they did not know I took WAY more than I was supposed to. They didn't know I started coming up with other random issues to get more.. They didn't know I LOVED taking the pills... because I told them how much I hated "having" to take them to "make it" thru the day.. What a lier I became.. So they thought I was relieved to taper off my meRAB (which I was) but... I was scared to death. I didn't know how i would make it thru the day without a pill... No one understood the pain I went thru and still go thru besides you guys! So.. that in a nut shell is my situation!

I just really want to show you support and I will pray for your continued strength and courage to fight this battle with your everything because it really will take no less than that... Hang in there!
~Secrets
 
Hey Dallas Alice,

Well, thank you so much for your post. It truly hit lots of nerves that needed to be hit and in a good way. To answer some of your questions.. My username Secrets1983.. The Secrets part stanRAB for the GREAT BIG Secret I keep from everyone in my life about this addiction.. The 1983 stanRAB for the year I was born so you are correct.. I am 25 years old. To be honest I have never heard that phrase before but if it's true than I am pretty sick! I know one day.. I will find the strength to say it outloud. I don't know why I can't now..I mean I would think I could since I have come so far and am sober.. I just still can't but someday I know for myself I NEED to. I think when I make that step it will truly help...

The things you say you have done in order to obtain the meRAB sounRAB some what like myself and I do feel like crap about it even though it's in the past... I will work on that though and I don't feel as crappy about myself as I did when I first quit because I have come far.... I look back when I was popping 10 percs a day on top of 2 onxycontins... wow... so much has changed. I will admit though that I sometimes long for that sense of euphoria and energy I used to get... Especially when times get tough like they are right now.. Stress at home and work is making it harder and harder to cope but I know I can.. I know I am strong. I know I am worth it.

I laughed at teh end of your post when you said "alas, I "talk" too much" because I do too!!! hahahha

Thank you so very much for your encouragement and your worRAB.. I sincerely appreciate them and you have already helped me in a way I can't explain.. Something clicked when I read your last post to me and it made me feel that much stronger in my sobriety so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your honesty and concern.

Now on to you! I really do not know how you have made it thru what you have. Losing a loved one is hard enough let alone a spouse... and a step child. It's horrible and I have goose bumps thinking about it. The strength you would have had to find to make it thru is incredible. I think I would have crurabled if I were you. I read about your wedding night watching the sunset from his hospital room and it really really made me cry! You two must have REALLY loved each other and yes, you are blessed to have found that but it's okay to be human and still be upset that you lost him.. I think that is part of the grieving process and it's okay to feel all sorts of emotions.... And if you want to talk more about it.. My ears are open because I know for me.. letting it out helps so much so... talk away.. I like your long posts... Just so you know.. I only have internet at work so at 5:30 central time I go home and can't get back on till 9am..

Just know.. Tonight my thoughts will lie heavily with you and I really hope you have peace wherever you are. And.. when you go to rehab you probably won't have internet access and that already bums me out but you so deserve to truly have your freedom back! You sound like an amazing woman and I wish you nothing but the best!
Sincerely,
~Secrets
PS.. Now look who talks too much!!! hahahahhahhaa
 
Dallas Alice,

I don't even know what to say after reading about your rape. I am so severely sorry that this has happened to you! I can't imagine what a rape victim goes thru and I hope I never have to know because I have a feeling it is what real nightmares are made of. It sounRAB to me though that you do understand that you do NOT deserve this and that you can and do deserve to live a good life. I was happy to read that!

BreathNoMore,
I did respond to your other post about your rape and still feel so sad for you. This just happened a couple of weeks ago for you so I can imagine your pain is still extremely raw. How are you hanging in there? I have been thinking of you!

Both you ladies have gone thru something terrible and I am so very sorry that there are sick individuals out there that are monster enough to do something like this to another person. Karma is a "you know what".

Warm hugs to both of you!
~Secrets
 
Hi Secrets,

You must think I'm a walking, talking case-book story of an abused person who became a drug addict...and maybe I am. I feel like every time you read a post of mine, I've disclosed some other darkness that it almost must sound unreal, but unfortunately, it is real. If you put it into the context of time, I am now 51, so I've had 26 more years than you to accumulate the problems, the bad situations, and I grew up in a different era than you...I admit, I am envious of that! Now there are things like the internet and support groups and rape and drug addiction is not viewed the same now as it was when I was younger.

That is why I am sooooo very happy that you had the strength to take your life back into your own hanRAB and get off the drugs. Cravings are the worst! You have made a choice to busy yourself instead of curl up into a ball, and that is wonderful! I so hope you keep on the healthy path you are on while you are still young, there is much more life ahead of you. I never thought I would be a "50-something!" It was like I was immortal and I was different then the rest, sigh...what a silly train of thought. My mother used to say that time goes by faster as you get older, and now I totally understand that. When I was 13ish or so, I would wish to be 16 so I could drive; then at 16ish I wished I was 18 so I could emancipate myself; and of course then at 18ish I wished I was 21 so I was "legal." During those times she also said "don't wish your life away," and as I look at my 20-yr. old son and 16-yr. old daughter, I once again totally see what she getting at.

Another thing she used to say to me was "...let not thy frienRAB thy secrets know, for when thy friend becomes thy foe, then all the world thy secrets know." So I understand your taking time to make the right decision to disclose things. It takes the right person, the right circumstances, and timing is everything. Do be very discrete with whom you choose to disclose what to who; it can come back to bite you in ways you might never think a person would do, rather directly or indirectly. You will know when the time is right to say something out loud; one major thing I've learned through this process is to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! That inner voice that tells you what feels right and what doesn't. It will come when it's time, and it's nothing you need to force. That's one reason I love this board, the anonyminity of it all. I guess that is what is supposed to happen in AA or NA or any type of group meeting, but you never know...especially depending on the size of your community. Just trust your gut, it will tell you. Just like when a person is super stressed, their gut "tells" them by having you run to the bathroom for one "end or the other, LOL." Ah, me and my cliches, please bare with me, (or is it "bear" with be, again...lol!).

I really meant to just make a short post to tell you that I am not disclosing one awful thing after another in each post I make for shock value; it's just that I've been on this board for so long, I make assumptions that people know my story. When I "click" with someone, like I feel I did with you, then I just act as if you were one of the posters from my past, but I realize that you are new to me, just as I am to you...yet there is an unspoken understanding of each others' situations (despite our age difference) that makes me think you already know all about me. You would have to do a search to know all the things I've told on here, and I would never, ever, ever want you to waste your time on things from my past...never! So we will stay in the present, "in the moment," and realize that at this very moment, things aren't so bad, you know?

I want you to know I appreciate your readiness and ability to give time to those of us who haven't made it as far as you...that you are an inspiration, to young and old(er) lol, and everyone inbetween. Just please stay strong, don't answer that phone when the pills start calling, and definately keep on posting!

All my best,

Dallas Alice
 
DallasAlice, I just read your post. Boy, have you been through a lot. I, too, live in Colorado and have lived here all my life (44 years). I am fairly new here and have been 13 days clean from my drug of choice, hydrocodone. I am excited about this and wonder how in the world I would have been able to do it without my frienRAB here on this board. I just wanted you to know that I wish you luck in rehab. Take care, Tacot
 
Hello!

First and foremost I want to say... I LOVE your posts!! I too feel we have clicked and for some odd reason I too feel like talking to you.. is like talking to someone who is much closer to me than just someone on a chat board! It's weird.. I like it though. It's comforting and makes me feel like I found a new friend.

Don't think by any means I think you are telling things of your past for shock value... I think the honesty is very courageous and so important because it helps others on here so much! You are right around the same age as my Mother (she is 53 and my BEST friend) and you are right.. things were different then. She has shared a lot of stories with me about bad things that have happened to her and it seemed as though things back then were kept real hush hush.. and that is certainly NOT fair to those of you who lived it. Growing up my Mom and I have been thru a lot together. Unfortunetly, my parents divorces when I was 6.. Nasty terrible divorce that has still caused my Mother a lot of guilt to this day which I beg her to let go of.. I have... After the divorce she had about a 15 year string of abusive men in her life.. I saw it all and my heart broke each time I saw her abused... then finally at 9 years old I stood up to the chump and chased him out of the house with a knife because he was holding my Mom down on the couch choking her... Every since that day it has been my mission in life to protect her! She is my everything... I am married to a great guy who unfortunetly happens to be unemployed at the time and that is casuing great friction in our lives... I am an insurance agent by day and a recovering opiate addict by night... That pretty much sums me up!! hahahha I long to have a child but right now.. the time is just not right being our finances are in utter choas which is extremely dissapointing because I work my TAIL off... It's amazing that 4 months of living on one income can wipe out a savings (was for maternity leave when the time came) and put fear in my mind that if things don't change soon we will lose everything! Then.... the cravings come... Stress is a trigger for me and the last couple have months have been very trying...

This board though has changed my life and given me an outlet that I never thought I would find. Thinking back to reading a lot of posts... it seems that a lot of us addicts were abused in some way shape or form... For a long time I tried to tell myself that the things I have seen and been thru didn't really affect me but I think they did. How could they not? However, I do know that they have also made me stronger and wiser.. I don't even know where I am now going with this.. hahhaha I start typing and then I have to answer the phone or something.. HAHHA So "bear" with me.. I am not sure which is the right way to spell it either!!

The thing you said about being 13 and yearning for 16 then being 16 and dying to be 18 then 18 and "needing" to be 21.. MEEEE TOOOO!!! It's so weird you said that.. I always wanted to grow up so fast and I know I "grew" up way too soon. My Mom used to always tell me to not wish away time because when I was older time would go by much quicker and I am finding that true already and I am only 25. It seems as the years pass by... I remeraber like yesterday being 18... Now I am 25 and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.. Sometimes I think.. "what happened?" However, I know I should feel blessed for what I have and most importantly the wonderful family and frienRAB that I have in my life..

I really think you are going to make it! Reading your posts.. You just "sound" ready! The advice you give and the way you explain things.. They really make sense to me and I really think this is your time.. I am sure the road ahead seems really scary for you but I really think you are going to do GREAT! And I can't wait until I can say.... I TOLD YOU SO!!! Even though I HATE when people do that!! hahahaha Just know you can vent or just chat about your fears and excitements anytime! I am all ears!

I really just wish the best for you! Since you have started posting again you have been so encouraging to me and others! It's so great having you around and I hope you do stick around!!!!! When is the big day? I know a couple days ago you said 10 days so does that mean you leave the 21st?

Well, I didn't intend this to be a long post either but what do you know.... I hope you have a lovely evening.. 1 more hour of work for me and then I am out of here to busy myself at home with laundry because... as you put it.. The phone is ringing and I am SCREANING the calls! hahaha Thanks for your support! I will do my best to not answer that darn call....

Thank you!
~Secrets
 
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