people that love me...? I struggle with jealousy, and socializing. I want to say that first and foremost.
Let me tell you what i need help with... i say hurtful things REALLY hurtful things to the people i let inside my life (the ppl i let get close to me)
Now, don't get me wrong, i love life and i love myself lol, which most ppl can't say.
Recently i'm in a serious relationship (somehow, idk how) but i think she may have left me and not going to come back.
her and i were on rocky grounds ever since christmas eve when i forget now what i did to her, (by the way shes in another state right now, and we're planning to be together for good really soon) but the day after xmas eve, i didn't realize she was trying to get back at me when she messed with my head by telling me she was out of town like 6 hours away from her home (on christmas). i asked her "are you serious" she was very convincing. So i get pissed (because she never told me she was going out of town on christmas, she actually told me she was spending it with her family) so i was like "i gotta go bye" she said OK bye. Then of all things i texted her and told her not to call me or anything, i even told her it was all over.
Then she told me she was joking, and of all things i called her "bye Stupid." I know... i am an idiot, i am cruel, mean, all of the above, and i don't know why i do it, because i just regret it 2 hours later.
So naturally i apologize the next day, and she gave me a piece of her mind on how ignorant i am, and i concurred. but by doing this things got kind of worse. See for some reason i decided to keep being an irrational a-hole when about 3 days later on the phone, i decided she was giving me a bad attitude (probably she was just to see how i'd react this time, who knows) and i basically sent her a text later that said dont call me cus i dont like your attitude. she called me right after i sent the text, and i only talked for about 30 seconds before i hung up. that's when i think i tipped her over the edge. because she then told me she was about to delete my number! this coming, believe it or not, to a girl i have plans for a future with, we've talked about getting married soon ( i know what youre thinking but save the judgement on that, that's not what i need help with)
so she says she's deleting my number.... so my reaction was like OK, i told myself, you came in this world by yourself, so you can be by yourself. So i texted her and said "Do that. bit**"
Yep, now you hate me, too. I'm not lying that's what i told her. we exchanged some more texts, and things got worse. then in my state of mind, i actually told her to "shut the f up" (after she told me she was done talking to me, and she told me to stop talking)
anyways i didn't hear back from her.
Now get this... i deleted all records of her number (i was so pissed) and she changes her number a lot, so i don't have it memorized. the only means of contact i have, is emailing her at an email she hardly checks. And yes i already emailed her apologizing (like i always do) for my illogical actions. I'm afraid i may have really lost her.
The above story, is an example of an on going cycle in my life. This is what ive always done. Perhaps because i was raised by a mother who used the same irrational approach to relationships. maybe she rubbed off on me i don't know...
Anyways, how do i start being... cool? I'm perfectly content and cool when im by myself. I love getting up in the morning! no kidding. But im a fool when it comes to being in a relationship. This needs to change asap
Let me tell you what i need help with... i say hurtful things REALLY hurtful things to the people i let inside my life (the ppl i let get close to me)
Now, don't get me wrong, i love life and i love myself lol, which most ppl can't say.
Recently i'm in a serious relationship (somehow, idk how) but i think she may have left me and not going to come back.
her and i were on rocky grounds ever since christmas eve when i forget now what i did to her, (by the way shes in another state right now, and we're planning to be together for good really soon) but the day after xmas eve, i didn't realize she was trying to get back at me when she messed with my head by telling me she was out of town like 6 hours away from her home (on christmas). i asked her "are you serious" she was very convincing. So i get pissed (because she never told me she was going out of town on christmas, she actually told me she was spending it with her family) so i was like "i gotta go bye" she said OK bye. Then of all things i texted her and told her not to call me or anything, i even told her it was all over.
Then she told me she was joking, and of all things i called her "bye Stupid." I know... i am an idiot, i am cruel, mean, all of the above, and i don't know why i do it, because i just regret it 2 hours later.
So naturally i apologize the next day, and she gave me a piece of her mind on how ignorant i am, and i concurred. but by doing this things got kind of worse. See for some reason i decided to keep being an irrational a-hole when about 3 days later on the phone, i decided she was giving me a bad attitude (probably she was just to see how i'd react this time, who knows) and i basically sent her a text later that said dont call me cus i dont like your attitude. she called me right after i sent the text, and i only talked for about 30 seconds before i hung up. that's when i think i tipped her over the edge. because she then told me she was about to delete my number! this coming, believe it or not, to a girl i have plans for a future with, we've talked about getting married soon ( i know what youre thinking but save the judgement on that, that's not what i need help with)
so she says she's deleting my number.... so my reaction was like OK, i told myself, you came in this world by yourself, so you can be by yourself. So i texted her and said "Do that. bit**"
Yep, now you hate me, too. I'm not lying that's what i told her. we exchanged some more texts, and things got worse. then in my state of mind, i actually told her to "shut the f up" (after she told me she was done talking to me, and she told me to stop talking)
anyways i didn't hear back from her.
Now get this... i deleted all records of her number (i was so pissed) and she changes her number a lot, so i don't have it memorized. the only means of contact i have, is emailing her at an email she hardly checks. And yes i already emailed her apologizing (like i always do) for my illogical actions. I'm afraid i may have really lost her.
The above story, is an example of an on going cycle in my life. This is what ive always done. Perhaps because i was raised by a mother who used the same irrational approach to relationships. maybe she rubbed off on me i don't know...
Anyways, how do i start being... cool? I'm perfectly content and cool when im by myself. I love getting up in the morning! no kidding. But im a fool when it comes to being in a relationship. This needs to change asap