I need support to stay clean

[laceldy]

Ok, I am a 23 year old woman wit a 2 an a half year old son an I have been wit my fiance for almost 9 years now. My problem started when I was 14 years old and it was history from then. I have had a very hard up brining where both my parents were cocaine an speed addicts an I had to raise my self for most of my life. My parents would leave me with babysitters so they can go out partyin an I ended up getting sexually abused manytimes this was when I was smaller as I grew up there was so much abuse, mentally, phisically, an emotional abuse along wit sexual abuse.

My own mother mullested me when she was all high on drugs to this day she does not remeraber it but I certainly do.... My mom moved around so much to different man to man place to place an left me wit so many different people so nothing in my life has been stable. So when I started takein pills it didnt start off too strong but then I graduated to stealin my moms drugs an then jus always needin something to be high. When I was high I felt better I didnt think of anything at all I felt amazing....I didnt realize that this was actually turning into a problem that would last almost 10 years. I would take anything .

I was also born wit Spina Bifita a mild cause but when I had my son I was in 19 ina half hours labour with him an I ended up breaking my back in 3 different spots so the doctor put me on Tramadol wit is a sinthetic morphine. Those are what put me in a life threating addiction. I started takin those an I felt amazing like I was ontop of the world I didnt think of anything I was always happy an felt jus amazing..then after a little while I had to start taking more an more of this drug to get that feeling an so I did an I ended up overdosing 6 times....but along with me taking the tramadol at a whomping
I was also takeing Fentanyl patches at the same time but not the way I was suppost to


. So that contributed to me overdosing so many times. Now my last time that it happened I was at work my new job at an old age home right infront of everyone I collapsed an had a seziour an they called an arabulance an my fiance an then I went up to the hospital which they knew that I have a Narcotic problem. I said to my fiance in the hospital room that I was done I dont wanna take these things anymore...So I went through hell an back with the withdrawls an now I am goin through hell in my mind because I am facing all the problems I have been hiding from all these years..I cant handle this right now I feel like I can not be there for my son an fiance like I should be I am jus frazzled an confused an wanting to take something so I dont have to think for one min.

I have been to counsilors through out my life but I do not find that they help much I jus want to be an amazing mother an wife to my family but I am finding it sooo hard right now because things are jus poppin in my head that I use to cover up wit medications an now I have nothin to take because my doctor now knows I have a problem an so does the hospital so I have no ways to get anything but I also do not want to take anything because I want to stay sober but I am havin a hell of a time so this is why I am on here

Im hurtin soooooooo bad I jus want to stay sober more than anything.....

 

[mom2010]

Hello. :^)
I read your story, and it so very similar to my life of addiction. It is not easy. It is a disease after this long of abusing those meRAB. I admitted myself into a Hospital for Detox last sept. I also have a fiance and 2 girls. I just started taking Suboxone. I highly recommend it. I dont know where you live, but you should be able to search on google, Suboxone Doctors or Addiction Doctors. They are so educational about the med, how it works to stop those cravings for the med. They work very close with you.

You can do this. You need to believe in yourself, and have a very good support system!!!

 

[Wendy88]

hi there -
congrats on fighting so hard! you sure have been through a lot! look - your road isnt going to be easy(as if you didnt know that) .... but u have a lot to stay sober for. your fiance, but also a lovely son whom is still young enough to not remeraber much from this time if you stop now. you dont want this pattern to continue of a parent being a substance abuser and the child having to suffer from it. have u ever gone to a group therapy type setting? maybe for addicts? or for survivors of abuse? maybe that type of setting would help u more than a one on one therapist?
I find that seeing a therapist is like shopping for a pair of jeans. you have to try on A LOT of pairs til you find the right fit. it can be frustrating sometimes, but when u find the right one, you really can feel great. maybe u can try one on one therapy again now, since u are in a different place in your life? try someone who specializes in substance abuse and also abuse in general (based on your past)... u still may need to go to a few different doctors before u find the right one, but the right one is out there. if you know anyone who has a friend who goes to therapy, u can ask them to ask their therapist for a referral. just an idea.
stay strong!! u can do this... and when u feel weak, think of your family and how you want to be there for them.
i know how hard it is. i have problems with percocets.... I have been sober close to a week after trying to quit on and off many times and it's so very hard.
good vibes to you!!
wendy