I need someone to critique this poem. Good? Bad?

A

Amanda

New member
I never wanted to be a jealous girl,
But lately you have me in a whirl.
I just love you so much,
I long for just that one touch.
I see you talking to her,
and all my words begin to slur.
I can't concentrate and I begin to hate.
Hate the way I feel inside,
I just want to hide.
Hide in your arms away from all the harm.
I know that you love me with all of your heart,
but sometimes I feel apart.
When your around her I melt,
I just cant hide the way I felt.
The way I felt about her,
about you, about us.
Its all the same,
the same old game.
You guys are the better pair,
but I don't want you to get lost in her hair.
The thought of you and her brings tears to my eyes,
If only you knew all of the tears that I have cried.
I love you and never want to loose you,
But I don't want her to choose you.
I guess if you hurt me I have no choice,
but you had better believe I'll cry when I hear your voice.
The tears well up in my eyes as I begin to cry.
I cant hold back,
I cant pick up the slack.
This relationship is crumbling,
why cant you hear the rumbling?
I can hear it loud and clear,
Its ringing in my ears.
Its telling me that we might not last,
not with this past.
All of the rage is building.
Stronger and stronger,
I cant hold it any longer.
I gonna break under the pressure,
The pressure to be just like her.
To be what I think you want me to be.
My reality is cracking under the pressure.
I don't know what to do.
What do I have to do to keep you?
I never wanted to be a jealous girl...
I wrote this in 5 minutes when I was 14 and talking to my now ex-boyfriend. Its called "I never wanted to be a jealous girl"
 
im gunna have to agree that the rhyming does feel forced and sum of them are sorta cliches but that doesn't matter - write your heart out, not for us, but for yourself
 
The rhyming is forced, it distracts the reader from what your poem is saying.

EX: "You guys are the better pair,
but I don't want you to get lost in her hair."
 
Yeah, I personally prefer rhymed poems to unrhymed, but you need a meter as well if you're going to pull it off. You know, say, instead of

I guess if you hurt me I have no choice
but you had better believe I'll cry when I hear your voice

It could be

I guess if you hurt me then I have no choice
but you must believe that I'll cry at your voice

You know- like that doesn't quite say the same thing, you could mess around with that, but it reads better.

Other comments: nice job, you got your meaning across clearly, good phrasing and such... You're fourteen, though? Aren't you a little young to be in such a hurtful relationship?
 
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