I need good funny jokes?

a guy walks into a bar, and he hears someone say hey your looking good today. But as he got in and looked around he saw no one there.he went up to the bartender and said "hey...who complimented me?" "oh" the bartender says, "it was the peanuts, they're complimentry."
 
ok so
guy and his wife just had there anniversary and the dude forgot about it and didnt get the chick a gift, and she was livid.
the next day she said ' by the time i get home from work, i expect something that goes from 1-300 on our driveway.'
expecting a car, she pulled up to her drive way.
she saw a box.
she opened the box and inside it was a scale.
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--- one week later....
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... the dudes been gone since the day after the anniversary.
 
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