I need an honest opinion on this poem..?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jenn
  • Start date Start date
J

Jenn

Guest
This life eventually has to end
Only when your messages send
Life will go on without you here
But you can't keep going on living in fear

Once upon a time is how we began
And now happily ever after is something I can't stand

You don't understand me
I don't think you will
And your words go through me like a child's shrill
The lies deception was all too much
Now I don't know where to find happiness and such
 
I like this poem very much. I feel as if there are areas that could have been better said, words and such, nonetheless, i think it is going in the right direction. In full critique:

This life eventually has to end
Only when your messages send
-- The second line needs to be re-written, seems to brief

Life will go on without you here
But you can't keep going on living in fear
--This was good

Once upon a time is how we began
And now happily ever after is something I can't stand
--This was good

You don't understand me
I don't think you will
--This needs to be elaborated on much more i think....give more vivid details

And your words go through me like a child's shrill
The lies deception was all too much
---This was good

Now I don't know where to find happiness and such
--Needs to have more to it...

I hope this helped....i have taken classes and also written a few poems in my time, not the greatest, but nonetheless, i know a bit about writing them.

I hope that helped ya !!!

Best wishes with further writing....keep it up....!!
 
psycho, you are brutally honest. it appears someone is depressed and you hit em with this. wow. thumbs up.
 
The rhyming pattern is one that is difficult to use and not be trite. Need to avoid the aabbcc pattern until you get better at writing. But the overwhelming problem with you poem is that it is about you and a superficial and rather shallow expression of love. The poem is self-centered, and saccharine.

I recommend that you avoid writing about love, sex, or your feelings until you have a lot more life experiences under your belt. The problem is that your feelings are fairly banal so your poems would be more interesting if you wrote about something else.

Oh, and while shrill can be a noun, it is unusual to use it that way. Your poem is shrill, and little more than a cry.

Writing poetry worth reading is not an easy thing to do.
 
Back
Top