I miss myself

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madhen17

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My addiction took me away from myself and my family.
I am an addict.
I love the high and inner peace I feel when I am using.
I am also a mother, wife, sister and friend.
I've been away to long.
I miss my laughter. I miss feeling proud of the job I do. I miss feeling strong.
I miss feeling important.
I hopedby quitting it would mean that I was strong and that I loved myself and my family. But instead I feel weak because I still want the pills.

Its been a week since I quit. I thought I was good. This morning found me tearing up my closet looking thru everything hoping, hoping to find anything. I tore thru my nite stand, all my purses, my jewlery box, bathroom drawers.
I didn't find anything.
So my body is still clean but my mind feels so dirty. I wanted it so bad.
So, right now, it's still day by day but it gets hard y'know?

I'm trying.
Heidi
 
i hear you. i've torn thru my things many times while clean, just trying to find something, knowing it wasnt there.
your post was really powerful. i miss all those things too. it's why im struggling to stay clean. when i am, i have myself back and it's great. im a vivacious person... love to laugh, go out, have fun... and on pills i stay home, rarable on the phone selfishly, watch TV, eat crappy food. just dont take care. that's not me.
listing what u miss and rereading it has to be a good way to keep your body clean while your mind catches up. your mind has to recover too, you know?
hope you are still fighting the good fight!! :)
 
Wendy,
I'm woke up this morning and actually feel abit better. I sat in the sun and felt the wind blowing. I enjoyed looking at my flowers and watching the sunshine filter thru the trees. I felt almost peaceful. Today is the first in along time that I felt that I was connecting with something other than the pills. Yesterday was very hard. I realized that my abusing pills wasn't just effecting me, that I wasn't the only one who lost. Those around me have have lost also. They lost someone they knew and trusted. Who could be counted on. Someone they wanted to be around. Like you, I also retreated into my own world. So yes, I'm still fighting the fight. I fight against the guilt and I fight against the desire. But I'm fighting and when I wake up tomarrow, I hope I wake up and still feel abit better.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.

Heidi
 
yeah i usually also go through a depression of sorts when i go off pills. i think it's the brain chemistry trying to rebalance itself. it's so depleted, you know? but usually every day i move forward, i feel a little better. it's really hard though. one minute i can be appreciating the sunset and the next be crying over and ant struggling with a piece of food that's too big for him. anything can set me off. but time sets these things right again.
yes i've become known as the hard to reach friend.. the one who cancels all the time. i use to be the one who had to tell myself, ok you HAVE to stay in tonight (i never had an issue with drinking... i just use to go out a lot with frienRAB, bars, movies etc... im a night owl and loved being out at night having fun). but things are turning around for me. And it sounRAB like they are for you too. it's a good thing. :)
 
I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better. Who knew that entering the land of the living again would feel soooo much better than the pills. I was actually in a good mood yesterday and was shocked that I was feeling something genuine and not the result of pills. I read your post about your liver/bruising. I don't know much but if your liver isn't right would you have Jaundice symptoms? Just a guess. I hope that you get it resolved and everything turns out good.
Wishing you a happy and peaceful day!
Heidi
 
thanks! i think imok. i think i was just freaking out. i mean, if i had a problem, id also have bruising everywhere, not just on my upper legs. i must have done something im not thinking of.
yeah coming back to "life" is pretty cool. waking up and not being hung over is a whole new feeling! lol
 
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