I made this poem and I don't know how it sounds. Any comments or suggestions?

K

kel bel

New member
~ Walking down the hall with my head down,
~~ I can't look at his face,
~~ I can't see his face,
~~ I can't see him...
with her
~ Day dreaming in class again, not paying attension
~~ I can't hear his voice
~~ I can't hear him talk
~~ I can't hear him...
with her
~ I can't listen with all the noise, not hungry at lunch
~~ I can't feel his hand,
~~ I can't hold hid hand,
~~ I can't hold him...
with her
~~~ You just can't understand that I want you
~~~~ But she is always in the way
~~~ I want to be with you today, but I can't...
with her
~~ Just grant my with, I want to but
~ I can't love you,
~ I wont love you,
~ I would love you...
without
her
 
Well, the lyrics are good. The bad part is the rest, that everybody lives with Ghosts :(
though NOT ME!
So, where is the melody? You have to get some sound to dance on :))
 
this is actually not that bad
at first i was skeptical about because it didn't make any sense to me
but as read on i understand the meaning of the poem.
its actually good!
 
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