I just threw 116 days out the window

  • Thread starter Thread starter mindy1974
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CC,

The sun is up and it's 8:30am here. I am doing MUCH better. Yesterday was a rollercoaster but today is new and I am taking all of your advice and giving myself a break. CC, your worRAB are always just perfect, do you know that? They always make me smile and always warm my heart.

Having a great time with my Mom. We are going to do a little more garabling this morning after we check out... I don't think she wants our vacation to end because she asked if she could sleep over tonight at our house and go home tomorrow.. Of course I said YES! She is a good Mom....

So.... how are you holding up? I have been thinking about you and I hope you don't mind but I told my Mom that I have a friend on the out skirts of London.. I didnt go into details as to how we met but she wanted me to say hello to you and tell you that you are going to be in her prayers... I just said you were going thru a hard time right now... So.... I told her how nice you have been to me and I care for you very much and she said you tell CC... She is now in my daily prayers because any friend of yours is a friend of mine.... Oh lordy she makes me laugh....

I hope you are doing good. This is probably the last I am going to be on here until tomorrow. Her lap top does not work at my house... We are getting all ready right now but I HAD to check in with you before I logged off.

Much love to you CC. Hope yours boys and partner are having good days too.
XOXOOX
 
My dear friend, I posted you last night at about 2:00 am, you had already went to bed. Don't be so hard on yourself. And don't take away all those days you had clean. You earned them my friend, you earned them. All those days you were struggling, and you still helped so many people on the boarRAB. You are a kind honest person, and should be proud of yourself for that, I am proud of you! After I read your post, my first thought was WOW, she didn't have to share this with any of us, but you did! My first thought wasn't PG MY GOSH SHE TOOK THE PILLS. It shows me your honesty with not only yourself, but all of us as well! That is huge in my book Secrets. You own it, you don't try and hide it! Thank you for sharing this hard moment with all of us, it will help us in so many different ways, thank you! Thinking of you always!
Crocheting
 
Secrets, you OK? I've been checking the board but don't think I saw any posts from you today.
 
Hey frienRAB,

I send this post with such sorrow in my heart. I couldn't take the temptation any longer.... I took 2 percocets..... I am so ashamed right now... I want to thank you all for the support you have given me but I feel like I have failed myself and you all greatly.

My head is just spinning at what I just did. It doesnt seem real to me yet that I actually did it.

WHY???? What a nightmare. I guess I have to be a big girl and deal with this and start back on day one tomorrow.

I am so sorry........... My head is actually hung in shame right now and tears are pouring from my eyes.

I love you guys....
 
Crocheting,

Your post meant so much to me. Thank you for your support. I will ALWAYS be honest with you guys as you are my true frienRAB and only you I could be this honest with.

Thank you so very much for your support. Your post made me cry because your kindness overwhelmed me. Thank you for supporting me when you are struggling so.

You will be on my mind today and I will be back on later. We are leaving the room now and I wil be thinking of you the whole time.

Thank you for being you and for being such a dear friend. I hope you don't find this weird but I really do feel love for you and I pray your suffering stops.

Much love, and I will be back on later. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KINDESS.
XOXOXOX
 
Secrets
Like everyone has said don't be so hard on yourself. From what you said it sounRAB like you regretted it 2 seconRAB after you did it and that my dear is what matters. Soo instead of saysing It's day one drug free, say in 117 days I've only had 1 slip, and be proud of that. 1 (or even 2 ) pills dosen't have to lead you back to the worst times, it will make you that much more determined to stay clean.
We are all with you, don't dwell on what you can't change,Tommorow is day117 with only 1 slip!!!!!!! Carrara
 
Hello poppit...how I wish I was there to give you a huge cuddle. As you know,I understand all the feelings of self-loathing,guiltetc that go with having a relapse. But you really need to find the positive within the negative. You will be stronger for this experience. The pain,shame and all those thoughts whirling round your mind will serve you well.....believe me. Its a hard place to be right now , but you will soon be notching up those clean days again and each one will be more precious and sweeter than they were before. You are not a bad person for this......just someone struggling with an addiction. Would you condemn me for when I have admitted to using? At least we are putting our honesty out there and not pulling any fast ones. We are who we are.....human.....and we are growing stronger in the face of our failures. Reach for the postive because its there , secrets, for you to take and own. Be proud of your achievements and honest with your failures. This is what will make it work for you....and it will work.
Im here anytime you need. Your slip in no ways make you unqualified to give advice here.Please continue to dish the wisdom out because you have so much to give. It is now even more raw and honest.
I will be thinking of you all night and looking for your posts. Im here,friend.
much love.........CC
 
Secrets....I sm so sorry I didn't post earlier this morning, or when I was up at 2:00 am. You sound so much better friend, and I am thrilled you are having such a good time with your mom! We sure miss you lots. I hope you guys have a safe trip Back to your place, and you enjoy the rest of the time that you have with your mom! You sure do deserve it. If don't get this until Tues., so sorry once again I wanted you to know I was thinking of you this morning. Your always in my thoughts and prayers. Big HUGS to you friend :)
Crocheting
 
Secrets:

It's too bad you didn't have a program to work. The twelve steps of Narcotics Anonoymous is a great program. If you could get to a meeting and listen to other addicts talk about recovery, you will find out how much easier it is to stay clean by working the program with people who care, one day at a time.

Hang in there, girl. This relapse is the disease of addiction working overtime. It is trying to get you back into the downward spiral of drug abuse. Don't let it steal your seat at the table of recovery. Find a meeting, get a sponsor, and go for it. Your life really does depend on it. The disease will tell you otherwise. But, don't let it. Please.

Your friend in addiction,

mk
 
Secrets
You are by no means a hypocrite. The support you have given others is worth more than gold. I am in the throws of addiction... But I still have the notion that I want others suffering to end, you need to understand that you are intrinsically good! And what comes from your heart through worRAB, actions etc... is just right on. You, and all of us, have a right to be in this universe and to be happy. (SounRAB a bit new agey) but I think it is true.

Keep going...
 
Hey secrects --relapses can be a good thing if you make then JUST that. What I mean is now you dont have to go through the Horrible WD i am going through right now and 2) you have learned what NOT to do and how to not relapse again. Hang in there do not be to hard on your self.

D
 
Hey Mk,

Thanks so much for your reply! I wish I had a step program to work too.. I wish I had the strength to let this secrets I hold out and tell at least my husband so I can go!!! I really think that it would help me BIG TIME... Maybe in time??? I don't know.. I know I should be doing something though because obviously what I am doing is not 100% successful either.

I appreciate your support!! I really do... I don't know what I would do with out this place!

Tkae care of yourself!
XOXOXO
 
Just wanted to say Im thinking of you as I go to bed tonight. Mate....will keep you in my prayers and sending you lotsa love. We can do this. Hope you're feeling a bit brighter.
love........CC XOXOX
 
Hello my mate! Tell your mum to keep praying for me and my family.....heck,get the whole street involved!!! I need much help. Day 2 today and on the up. Still going but tomorrows gonna be brutal for cravings.
So glad you ended your trip on a good note and that a good time was spent with your mum. Tell her your crazy British friend says she must be an awesome mum to produce a daughter such as you.
Just wanted to say how pleased I am that you've bounced back and are back where you should be...on top!! Great going,poppit.
Update us all when you return
love....CC xoxoxo
 
Where do I even begin??? First of all, thank you ALL for your amazing support and frienRABhip. I don't think you could even begin to imagine how blessed I feel to have it.

Fliraba, Thank you for your worRAB of kindness. What you said about me and that I should not feel like a hypocrit really meant the world to me. Also, the statement that you made that you felt sounded "new agey" made me feel like a little peace entered my heart when I needed it the most, so thank you for that.

Denon, thank you for your returned support. After you reminded me that I supported you during your relapse I went back and read what I wrote to you and it helped me realize that I should not beat myself up as badly as I have been. I hope you are doing well, it sounRAB like you have been far too busy to even think about drugs so thank you for taking the time to support me.

Carrara, Thank you for putting the days sober issue into persepctive for me. It realy devestated me to think I had thrown it all away but you are right... Those days do still count so thank you! I appreciate your support.

CC, THANK YOU!!!! I appreciate your prayers, your support and your frienRABhip so much. I don't know what I would do with out you. Everything you said was what I needed to hear. Your worRAB are priceless to me and I really appreciate you. I also have been thinking of you and hoping things are going okay for you. I hope today you had a wonderful time with your family. Right now I am so exhausted from the emotional roller coaster and only about 6 hours of sleep total in the past 2 days. I am going to go to bed now but I have so much more to say to you so I will post again tomorrow before we check out. Much love to you my dear friend.

XOXOXOXOXOX
 
Secrets - Been there done that, as you know and YOU were there to support me. I'm here to support you!!! I'm working on Day 6 after my 3 day relapse and we can work this together. We all know how hard it is and how easy it is for the temptation to over take us. We need to learn when we get into those weak moments (when the DRUG is taking over our mind) to get away from what is tempting us. Read, Walk, write long posts on here, surf the web, vacuum - who cares if it's 2 AM, get robbed!!! Just get your mind off of it and busy on other things.

From the research I have done so far, when you start to feel those cravings coming, immediately think about the the good moments of your recovery, think about how proud you were when you made it one day, then 2, then a week, then a month... Think how proud your family felt and how your life suddenly had the burden lifted off of your shoulders. Think about not doing the drugs and the positives of not doing the drugs. This causes the brain center that is craving the drugs to shutdown and a new non-drug pleasure center to light up to kill the cravings. Think about how much support you get from the people on this board!!!!

We're in this together!!
 
Good morning,my dear friend. How is the sun rising on your side of the Atlantic today? Im so hoping that you wake refreshed and with renewed fight to continue your journey. I have spent much time thinking of you this weekend and I think that you are so very special that you should not beat yourself up. Just one slip......someone said that you should say 116days clean and just one slip. Yes,you should think like that. Dont discredit all the hard work you've done successfully. Remeraber all your achievements...of which there are MANY.You rock,my matey!!!
Hope that the w/e has ended on a good note for you and you enjoyed spending some time with your mum. Please let me know how you're getting on cause Im busting to know.
Thinking of you
CC xoxox
 
D,

Thank you so very much for your reply and being able to put a positive spin on it for me. You have no idea how much I needed that because I am self loathing right now. I feel like such a hypocrit giving all this advice and support to others when I can't even keep my own self on track.

Your reply means the world to me and you have been in my thoughts. I am sorry you are going thru w/d.. THEY SUCK SO BAD!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY! I have been there and done that and I handled it miserably. I will say some prayers for you friend that you get some relief.

I just still can't believe I did this......... Right now I am feeling a lot of different emotions.... GRIEF, ANGER, SHAME and many other things... I will try to pick myself back up.... I need to enjoy this time with my Mom....

Thank you again! Hang in there buddy.
 
My Dear Secrets,

Please don't hang your head, there is no need for you to do that. You slipped up, and are now back on track. We are all only human, and I don't know if you remeraber, but I slipped up too. You were very supportive of me, and now it is my turn to support you. You are a beautiful, caring and truly special person, my friend. You have a lot support on these boarRAB, and we love you and care about you deeply. You are NOT a failure, not even close. Please take care of yourself and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Keep your chin up, Sweetie!!! TaCot
 
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