I am skiping the part where i am admiting i am attention whore, coz i kind of admited that somewhere above.
Btw thx for everything said. I know most of the people don`t read what i write, but i guess that there are some that are bored enough to do so.
Here`s my Core problem that i just figured out. Or i knew but i reminded itself to me.
So in course one i was charmed by this female colegue of mine... She came and talked to me... she did i kind of swear it happened. It might have been for just killing time for her, but i being the infantile tard that i am. Well i liked her a lot. By that time i liked some other female colegues of mine a lot too, but somehow i ended up liking this one the most. I sort of asked her to a date, she accepted than skipped with some random stupid explanation. She was acting overall friendly and i was liking her more and more and more. Her home town is close to mine and on the way to the city our university is (was for me) so i drove her a few times, and considering how i have 0 expirience dating with women, or even talking to then in informal situations. It was a first for me and she was beautifull and fuck i dreamed of her every fucking single day. (Getting tears in my eyes... yey for being emo fag, go die bitches). We even went to a 3 day open air music fest on the beach. After that i was hopelessly in love (or obsesion which i guess for me is the same thing) and i don`t know for her, but i was either really completely irrelevant, or just friend, or travel companion, or toy or she was thinking i am gay which would have been kind of hard, considering how everyone who is not completely fucking blind could have saw i am desperetly in love and i wanna drop in her knees. Than started 3rd course and i think i acted as a jerk, because... i don`t really know. I was unhappy nothing proceeded from that seaside event (but than i wasn`t realy eager for something to happen coz i kind of tought i have AIDS and siphilis from one of the hookers i;ve fucked previous to that expirience, and i didn`t really want any of that to get into her even if there is a slim chance). Than one really really snowy day i drove her again to the city where our dormentry is. And it was a long drive in very heavy conditionins, and i haven`t slept due to that stupid game LoL, but we talked and it was soo fucking cool i was so much in love again i smoked like 3 enourmous blunts so that i am able to fall asleep. I kind of talked to her in skype trought this whole time, asked her to go to coffe some time. She was refusing. But wasn`t saing anything like go die you stupid miserable shit. So one day i got all my guts together... litteraly that must have been the bravest thing i;ve done in my entire life and for a first time i confesed my feelings in straight line "It must have been obvious but i love you a lot" i said she said "Ok but if you had facebook you would have known there is someone else" than promised we can go to coffe some day when i calm down. Her exact words were "when the madness passes" my first toughts were "WTFFFFF WHAT fACEBOOK BITCH i am spilling my guts here in the open and you are talking about facebook" than again "What THE FUCK AFSUSUFHSDFHFSDH YOU ARE THE FUCKING REASON FOR MY MADNESS IN A FIRST PLACE, how the fuck it would go away without you" this was all in my head of course. Than she was like "I must go to the pharmacy to buy some toothbrushes for my roomate which is coming back from France". I was "Ok" She went one way i went the other (we were on a crossroad) than i kind of drove for about 24 hours straight while smoking to sever amouts of marijuana going from city to city doing nothing in them besides... doing nothing. And than it all sucked. After some time passed i kind of called her asking to see eachother and she said "Maybe latter".. some time latter when i've officialy decided i am not capable of passing the session and i don`t really wanna do it like ever because i don`t really wanna be in that university or city... like ever. I kind of called her asking to see her in person for lika a last time and i really wasn`t gonna do anything that much i would have "behaved" just blabing about nothing so i can see and hear her. And she refused and i kind of... well cried over the phone... not that i was really but my voice was all... fucked up... i was of course tring really hard not to cry but it was just not happening. In fact by just writting this things i get exactly the same feeling of really really wanna cry and if i try to talk my voice will be all scremy and shit and there is a fucking tear coming down from my eye right now and i am definitly rolling a joint in a minute... Anyway.
I am a pussy indeed. Why the fuck do i still wanna go and drop in her knees when she obviosly couldn`t care less and i have no chance in this reality to ever be with her.
I am unhappy that she is happy. Really. This is some sad shit, but i am. I liked her because i kind of senced we are a lot the same, and i think she pretty much knew that too. She is a year older, and i am getting the feeling she''s seen shits. But she manages to do it in regardless i at the same time admire that and hate it as shit. She knows how to play her cards all right. I just googled her name... (again) and saw... well exactly what i was expecting to see... That she knows what`s she`s doing. That hirt me. It hirt me a lot (is why i am writting this). It`s not like that i want her to be miserable and sad, but it`s not like i want her to be happy without me there. Besides her i swear i would fucking study and work and give a shit about every shit i should and than some. But it`s not happening. And why the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK she had to even be friendly with me in the first place, or didn`t end things when it was obvious where it was going. Or at least told me something like "you are a fucking looser you will drag me down with you" or even "I found someone so much more better" Just "There is someone else" and than "I don`t even wanna see you in different forms" And in that last phone call "there was nothing" repeated multple times. Ok for her maybe it wasn`t but i've fucking cried over the phone and one doesn`t simply cry over the phone for nothing. I mean it`s stupid but it does show i am well not completely ok in that moment coz that`s what cring is for to show you need halp. And she didn`t even showed in person. I kind of asked her to go to a park or something i wanted to ask her about her life to know something to remember her as a person i know. Now i remember only the woman that ditched me like i was nothing. Maybe i fucking am and i fucking was by that moment but back than (and that was not so long ago) i had the feeling i can make it if she give me the chance i might have even fought for that stupid diploma. Now i want no diploma i don`t even want her that much coz i am scared she will come (which is in fact never happening which makes me wanna drop dead and i am pretty serious here) only to go alway again and basicly fuck. I am obsessed, possesed. Don`t even know what. Of all shits this is the one i can`t swallow. I cannot accept it fuck. I wanna tear of all my skin and fuck don`t know dip my brain in acid in order to scrap every piece of memory of her i have. If i can forget her i will be ok, but how the fuck to forget. The right thing is to "replace" but for 22 years that was the first time i was in love. It was one sided and completely unsuccessful. It`s what it is i'm burned and i am no phoenix. I wish i was dramatizing or something but i know myself best and i've unfortunatly never been able to lie myself for the important (for me) stuff (and this was the only really important for me thing) and i know it`s over and it... is over and i don`t want it to be and it`s so above my control for it not to be that i can`t handle...
