I have blown it!

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flimba

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One year ago to the day, I drove myself to a addiction recovery clinic. I went cold turkey ang got off of percocet, withdrawl was so beyond torture but I did it. Now I am back on it, and can feel the dependency again. The craving for a pill is crazy. I have L4 L5 disc problems and am getting a lamanectomy in a few weeks. I am actually scared the surgery will work and I will have to face getting off the pills (6 a day 5/325).

I am so sad, scared and dissapointed with myself.
 
Welcome fliraba,

You are in a spot a lot of us addicts fear the most! (at least I do anyways) I am SOOO sorry this has happened.... You have legitimate pain but also crave the pills.. That is a tough spot. I don't know what advice to give you is best... but I would say that if you have to take these pills for pain maybe if you take them as directed it will give you the power and not the pills? I don't know.. I just wanted to offer support!!!!

Pain pills are evil... I struggle with being addicted to them every dang day! I know how you feel... The more i think about this.. The best advice I can give you is.... Don't dwell on being upset with yourself or dissapointed.. dwell on how you are going to get yourself clean again!!! Yes!! YOU CAN DO IT!

Stick around here.. So many amazing people to help give you strength and be supportive!

~Secrets
 
fliraba Welcome to the group.

You are in a position that I hope I never have to be in. I'm still dependent and doing whatever I can to get off of Percocet. Someone asked me, "What would you do if you hurt yourself again and needed the pain medication. Who you take it?" I really had to think about that. What would I do? When I originally injured my neck I would have taken anything to relieve the pain. It was the worst pain of my life. Although I do not have pain today, I know I'm on borrowed time before it happens again. The injury is still there, but the inflammation of the nerve bundle has subsided. Its just a matter of time before I go through it all over again, or when my L5-L6 problem raises its ugly head.

The withdrawals that I am going through right now are horrendous, and I'm now tapering down. I tried cold turkey and I couldn't do it. But, between the pain and the drugs, I would rather be pain free and be able to life a normal life. I would choose to be drug free and pain free.
 
Sweetheart:

Just like secrets said you are in the right place. 1st thing don't beat yourself up. This is part of your recovery process sometimes we sturable just to pick ourselves up and be stronger!!! Have you talked to your doctor about your pain and your fear? Be honest and if that doctor doesn't want to listen find another one who will you might want to tt an Addiction Medicine Doctor. They understand legitimate pain and addiction. There are different kinRAB of drugs they can give you that are non-narcotics and not addictive. Yes and they are better than motrin. I have severe back pain and my doctor gave me some pad's for my back that are not heating paRAB and non-narcotic. I use them only when I am in bad pain and they work and I don't feel the need to use them when I am not in pain. Even though we are addicts we are allowed to use pain relievers for legitimate reason. I myself don't trust myself and if I were in a position that I need medication first I would tt my doctor and then give the medication to my husband to give to me as perscribed and only when I need them. This is a plan my doctor and my husband have agreed on. We always need to have a plan and we must always be honest. If you were an addict like me I couldn't be honest to save my life when I was using. But now that I am sober I can't tell a lie, it eats away at me until I come clean. Today I chose not to lie its to much work and my sobriety means to much to me. cause if I start lying I know it will lead me to use and I don't want to go down that road its a really scary place, I will lose everything I have worked so hard to achieve. Ok I'm rarabling so i will close now. Stay strong keep posting and remeraber were here to help you. Take Care.

Lori
 
Here is a part of my problem. Ist - I have tried alternatives, Lyrica, Neurontin, Celexa... to no avail. 2nd, I don't want to be without narcotics. While percs and vics etc... have made life hard in certain ways, I have not hit the point I did last year when the negatives outweighed positives and pure pain was better than the rollercoaster of narcotics. I feel for everyone on this board who deals with opiate addiction. I can't explain to people how incredibly difficult it is to stop, hell, even taper slowly. All I can do is keep going with the knowledge that one day this will end.
Thank you everyone for your kind and helpful worRAB.

fliraba
 
There is a balance between long term chronic pain and relieving it with drugs. Some people with chronic pain will never find a replacement for the drug, but you have to determine if it is the drug telling you that or is the pain real enough to prevent you from stopping or tapering down to lower levels.

I feel as if I'm fortunate that I woke up one morning and my neck pain subsided. I still have nurabness in my hand and fingers and at times my finger tips hurt to be touched. I also have Lurabar spinal stenosis and now that I've tapered way down off of the Perc's I feel the pain and the sciatica again. For me, I would rather put up with the pain now until it becomes unbearable again before I consider other treatments for them. My C5-C7 injury is still there (stenosis and bulging discs) and some day that will flare up again. I will have to choose at that time whether I decide to begin the pain meRAB again knowing that I have an opiate addiction, or try something else. I still take the Lyrica and Cyrabalta for pain and for now they work to a degree that I can bear the pain and nurabness.

Only you can decide if the pain is real and neeRAB the drugs, or if the drugs are telling you otherwise. The Perc's have told me all sorts of stories why I should continue taking them. I just don't listen to it's speeches anymore. Some time next week I will be drug-free (woohoo!!) and that will be the beginning on a new battle when I have to realize that I have an opiate addiction and that I need to be stronger than the drug and resist doctors and dentists from giving it to me again.

I hope you find what works for you. Listen to your heart and not the drugs clouding your brain. You will find what is right for you.
 
Denon:

Beautiful Post you really spoke from the heart. filraba, you can do it. Stay focused and read Denon post, it tells you how to do it.

You need to do some soul searching and ask yourself if this is really what you want to do. I know I had to be in alot of pain, before I could make the decision to stop using. It is up to you to make that decision nobody can make that decision for you. :wave:

Just know we'll be there for you.

Lori
 
Take it from an old recovering drunk like me (30 years clean) if you reach out there will always be someone there to help. If you yell loud enough there will be someone who will come running and if you cry out there will be someone to dry your tears.
I have been through some crazy times trying to stay clean and sober if you want it bad enough a clean slate is yours.

Good Luck!
 
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