I don't know...I'm about to graduate college, to go and try to make it out there in the world as a film writer. Through my mood I still believe in following your dreams, and making movies, turning dreams into reality, inspiring more people, and having fun with it is mine. As is everyone else's though.
As the real world looms ever closer I begin to realize maybe I wasn't wise to do this. There's lots of competition of course is one reason, and no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I love what I do, so do plenty of others. Plenty of others who have money. They were born into it, it just comes to them. And that's all that really seems to matter. I lost all my money I'd been working hard and saving for six years in a car crash during this Christmas that wasn't even remotely my fault, and the offender took off, but I'm not going to ramble about that.
Lately, everything just feels dull. I think it's my fault. I think my imagination is dead too. I had quite the imagination as a kid, which of course led to this life choice...but as reality becomes more prevalent I feel like I've lost myself and that spark. I can't feel anymore. I think I've put up so many walls over my emotions in given situations so many times that I can't quite pull them all back. Here at college I'm quite secluded. I try to be social but I'm not sure I'm doing it right. It gets worse when I hang around as the outsider in my roommate's wide and carefree social circle. They care so much, they talk, they support eachother through hard times, and I always see it. And it hits me, it makes me feel so envious because I can't remember a time I had friends like that. My friends I've known since elementary/middle school are fun and crazy but it feels like I still barely know them. I don't feel like they have my back. I may be overreacting. I'm the butt of every joke, and I know it's all in good fun and everyone gets **** on it's just part of the errr gathering(?), but I tire of almost always being more of a mascot then a friend. It shouldn't get to me, I shouldn't let it, but I can't push it away anymore.
I try to make more friends here at college but people just abandon me. I feel like maybe I'm actually invisible sometimes, no matter how much I try to talk to them sometimes I am not noticed.
I just don't feel connected to anyone or anything, things don't feel worthwhile anymore.
I feel like I've pretty much given up on love too. I used to think it was great, magic, and all that.
Then I had a 3 year relationship where I was pulling most of the weight, and we fought, but always made up. And eventually I ended it because I couldn't take it anymore and there wasn't enough time. Bliss and magic became lies and 3 years became waste. I feel like she took another part of my soul though that, and I feel angry with myself for not seeing what I fool I see myself as now, and also for blaming her for my situation now, that's probably far from true.
Even though I think I've given up, I'm pulled back into it by the occasional one I can't help but have a crush. But in my current situation, no car, no job, no money, boring, bitching like I am now on the inside, a quiet stone wall on the outside, even if I did make a move, who would want me? What can I offer? It's all about what you have to offer someone, afterall.
Least of all I suppose, I've been playing guitar for about 3 years. It makes me feel good. I want to get good but I keep getting so discouraged.
I feel like I don't have a life. I don't know how to get one. It's not as easy as talking to people when they barely even notice you at first.
I also keep getting this voice at the back of my head. The one that discourages everything, blames, sees the rational, logical constructs to provide the darkest explanation. I know that's also my fault, afterall it's just me too, but I can't make it stop. I'm hoping this is not the beginning of going crazy. I tell myself that's just something everyone has.
Believe it or not, I try to be so optimistic. I try to see the brightest sides, but it's just hard. I'm lonely now, I want some comfort. I want some belonging, even for a little bit. Is that too much to ask? Do I deserve that?
I hate it, when I'm in a relationship with someone I eventually want out and some time to myself and when I'm single while it's great at first eventually I want back in. But I know it will just end up back at that point. I also want to focus on my career first, I don't even know if I want a family. Maybe later, but is later too late?
And I've never done drugs before, although I'm so surrounded by them all the time. I don't know why, other than "drugs r bad and will wreck your life" but I'm tempted now, just once, at least po
pot, maybe it'll sort me out, make me think right, help me see things differently, bring back imagination, all that.
I think I'm depressed. How can I fix what I've got left of my life? Help
(There, YA, that's all you cut off.)
As the real world looms ever closer I begin to realize maybe I wasn't wise to do this. There's lots of competition of course is one reason, and no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I love what I do, so do plenty of others. Plenty of others who have money. They were born into it, it just comes to them. And that's all that really seems to matter. I lost all my money I'd been working hard and saving for six years in a car crash during this Christmas that wasn't even remotely my fault, and the offender took off, but I'm not going to ramble about that.
Lately, everything just feels dull. I think it's my fault. I think my imagination is dead too. I had quite the imagination as a kid, which of course led to this life choice...but as reality becomes more prevalent I feel like I've lost myself and that spark. I can't feel anymore. I think I've put up so many walls over my emotions in given situations so many times that I can't quite pull them all back. Here at college I'm quite secluded. I try to be social but I'm not sure I'm doing it right. It gets worse when I hang around as the outsider in my roommate's wide and carefree social circle. They care so much, they talk, they support eachother through hard times, and I always see it. And it hits me, it makes me feel so envious because I can't remember a time I had friends like that. My friends I've known since elementary/middle school are fun and crazy but it feels like I still barely know them. I don't feel like they have my back. I may be overreacting. I'm the butt of every joke, and I know it's all in good fun and everyone gets **** on it's just part of the errr gathering(?), but I tire of almost always being more of a mascot then a friend. It shouldn't get to me, I shouldn't let it, but I can't push it away anymore.
I try to make more friends here at college but people just abandon me. I feel like maybe I'm actually invisible sometimes, no matter how much I try to talk to them sometimes I am not noticed.
I just don't feel connected to anyone or anything, things don't feel worthwhile anymore.
I feel like I've pretty much given up on love too. I used to think it was great, magic, and all that.
Then I had a 3 year relationship where I was pulling most of the weight, and we fought, but always made up. And eventually I ended it because I couldn't take it anymore and there wasn't enough time. Bliss and magic became lies and 3 years became waste. I feel like she took another part of my soul though that, and I feel angry with myself for not seeing what I fool I see myself as now, and also for blaming her for my situation now, that's probably far from true.
Even though I think I've given up, I'm pulled back into it by the occasional one I can't help but have a crush. But in my current situation, no car, no job, no money, boring, bitching like I am now on the inside, a quiet stone wall on the outside, even if I did make a move, who would want me? What can I offer? It's all about what you have to offer someone, afterall.
Least of all I suppose, I've been playing guitar for about 3 years. It makes me feel good. I want to get good but I keep getting so discouraged.
I feel like I don't have a life. I don't know how to get one. It's not as easy as talking to people when they barely even notice you at first.
I also keep getting this voice at the back of my head. The one that discourages everything, blames, sees the rational, logical constructs to provide the darkest explanation. I know that's also my fault, afterall it's just me too, but I can't make it stop. I'm hoping this is not the beginning of going crazy. I tell myself that's just something everyone has.
Believe it or not, I try to be so optimistic. I try to see the brightest sides, but it's just hard. I'm lonely now, I want some comfort. I want some belonging, even for a little bit. Is that too much to ask? Do I deserve that?
I hate it, when I'm in a relationship with someone I eventually want out and some time to myself and when I'm single while it's great at first eventually I want back in. But I know it will just end up back at that point. I also want to focus on my career first, I don't even know if I want a family. Maybe later, but is later too late?
And I've never done drugs before, although I'm so surrounded by them all the time. I don't know why, other than "drugs r bad and will wreck your life" but I'm tempted now, just once, at least po
pot, maybe it'll sort me out, make me think right, help me see things differently, bring back imagination, all that.
I think I'm depressed. How can I fix what I've got left of my life? Help
(There, YA, that's all you cut off.)