This is a long read, but to me, it's important. Please help.
Okay so..this is kinda hard to say, even to an anonymous group. I've been really depressed for several years.I'm a dude, and currently 14, 8th grade.Been depressed For nearly 3 to be specific. It started really during the summer break between 5th and 6th grade, when I was having issues with my father(since been repaired). DUring 6th grade, I was an angsty piece of shit that I don't like to look back on. I was "goth", in quotations because I never really was in the lifestyle, I was just so fucking desperate for attention I acted like it. I was overweight at the time, not morbidly obese or anything, but fat. During 7th, I was in pretty much a permanent state of denial and asshole. I lost some weight, but not much. I lashed out at some of my best friends for nothing, and acted like an asshole to a lot of people who didn't deserve it. Over the previous summer, I tried to repair myself really. Got away from it all by going to my dad's in another state for the break from school, lost a lot of weight, and tried to get over my issues. Weight was always a big factor, I think. During 6th grade, looking at myself in the mirror made me hate myself. In 7th grade, I wore a hoodie during the whole school year, if I ever went anywhere in public. Because I felt like wearing regular shirts made me look horribly fat. Over the summer, I lost enough to where I don't do this ridiculous self-pitying bullshit, but where I'm still not happy with it. The main point of this is that recently, I've noticed that I'm succumbing to a shit load of peer pressure. Not with alcohol or drugs(used to smoke weed all the time, stopped that now. Never again. ), but with who I am. I'm kind of a geeky guy, and so are my friends. I find myself trying to hide my geekiness, and anything I think others might not like me for. Over the summer, I began dating someone who I can honestly say I love, and who without I would probably be a lot worse. Dating her has allowed me to become more socially active, etc. But I'm noticing too that whenever I'm alone, I feel like this lazy sack of shit that isn't doing anything with my life, all that kind of stuff and worse. I'm depressed, is what I'm saying. At school with my friends, I'm hiding it. I'm having fun hanging out with them and stuff, but I'm still depressed. I know I don't act clingy, and none of my friends would ever expect me to be depressed. But I am. I really am. And I don't know what to do about it. Psychiatrists and shit is not my kind of thing. Did it before, and I just can't talk to them. Only person I really talk to about personal issues is my mom, and I've never said a word about this kind of stuff to her. Even though I know she would be able to help me, know she would understand(she's clincally depressed/bipolar), I can't talk to her. ANd I don't know why, I just can't. Sorry for sounding like a whiny idiot, I just needed to get this out here. Any help offered would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Okay so..this is kinda hard to say, even to an anonymous group. I've been really depressed for several years.I'm a dude, and currently 14, 8th grade.Been depressed For nearly 3 to be specific. It started really during the summer break between 5th and 6th grade, when I was having issues with my father(since been repaired). DUring 6th grade, I was an angsty piece of shit that I don't like to look back on. I was "goth", in quotations because I never really was in the lifestyle, I was just so fucking desperate for attention I acted like it. I was overweight at the time, not morbidly obese or anything, but fat. During 7th, I was in pretty much a permanent state of denial and asshole. I lost some weight, but not much. I lashed out at some of my best friends for nothing, and acted like an asshole to a lot of people who didn't deserve it. Over the previous summer, I tried to repair myself really. Got away from it all by going to my dad's in another state for the break from school, lost a lot of weight, and tried to get over my issues. Weight was always a big factor, I think. During 6th grade, looking at myself in the mirror made me hate myself. In 7th grade, I wore a hoodie during the whole school year, if I ever went anywhere in public. Because I felt like wearing regular shirts made me look horribly fat. Over the summer, I lost enough to where I don't do this ridiculous self-pitying bullshit, but where I'm still not happy with it. The main point of this is that recently, I've noticed that I'm succumbing to a shit load of peer pressure. Not with alcohol or drugs(used to smoke weed all the time, stopped that now. Never again. ), but with who I am. I'm kind of a geeky guy, and so are my friends. I find myself trying to hide my geekiness, and anything I think others might not like me for. Over the summer, I began dating someone who I can honestly say I love, and who without I would probably be a lot worse. Dating her has allowed me to become more socially active, etc. But I'm noticing too that whenever I'm alone, I feel like this lazy sack of shit that isn't doing anything with my life, all that kind of stuff and worse. I'm depressed, is what I'm saying. At school with my friends, I'm hiding it. I'm having fun hanging out with them and stuff, but I'm still depressed. I know I don't act clingy, and none of my friends would ever expect me to be depressed. But I am. I really am. And I don't know what to do about it. Psychiatrists and shit is not my kind of thing. Did it before, and I just can't talk to them. Only person I really talk to about personal issues is my mom, and I've never said a word about this kind of stuff to her. Even though I know she would be able to help me, know she would understand(she's clincally depressed/bipolar), I can't talk to her. ANd I don't know why, I just can't. Sorry for sounding like a whiny idiot, I just needed to get this out here. Any help offered would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.