Thank you for your reply. I do not trust other people like you said. I was molested from the time I was 8 until I was 14 by my adopted uncle. I don't think about it much anymore, but when I started to drink really heavily a few years ago (I'm 22) I was thinking about it, constantly. I have a best friend, but she isn't speaking to me, and I don't think she understanRAB what it's like to have this addiction. She was the first person I told about me being molested. She looked a bunch of stuff up and told me it was common for molest victims to be very promiscuous. Mind you, I didn't lose my "virginity" until I was almost 19. She sticks up for me alot and now she isn't speaking to me cause I keep doing these horrible things to myself and I cry and cry and say I want to stop. It's so hard to stop. It's so pathetic but its true...: I drink because I'm unhappy, but I'm unhappy because I drink. That's the best way I can think of putting it. I've tried doing other things instead of drinking. I was sober for almost 100 days and I felt good. But on my 90 day mark I decided to get high. Then a bit after that I decided to have a drink....which has turned into me picking up right where I left off, then some. I refused to take those drugs to help me stop drinking (stupidly) and I regret that. Now I have to go back and get re-prescribed for them. I was thinking about them today actually, which is funny you should mention it.
When I say my town is small....it's not an exaggeration. My town has around 1000 people. There's only a handful my age that don't drink and do drugs and they want nothing to do with a person like me. I've been in and out of AA and I'm the youngest one there so it's difficult. I've tried the writing down of the things I like about myself, and yes there are a few, but the negative things outnuraber the positive. I try to do things to better myself but I feel like I get easily disappointed and I turn to drinking and drugs to not feel stressed about little things.
I've also been drinking since I was young. I was 9 when I first got really drunk. Courtesy of my dad. He is a recovering alcoholic(just had 9 years) and he wasn't supposed to drink around us kiRAB so when my older siblings went to frienRAB he would buy me a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper and call it my Dr Whiskey. He used to cry in my arms and tell me how sorry he was about the way he was and not to tell on him. We have a pretty good relationship now, but I guess it will never be as good as a "normal" father daughter relationship.
And the sex thing....I don't like how many people I've had sex with(not even sure how many it is). Actually it disgusts me. But when I get drunk I just do it. I can't explain why and the next day I feel so ashamed. I've never had sober sex before. I get tested for STD's every few months and luckily I don't have anything. I did have something once but I took medication and haven't gotten it since. That was when I was 19.
I just don't know what to do. I literally want to run away to another state where nobody knows me and just start fresh and just not tell anybody about anything. I know I'm not a durab person. Granted, I am a college dropout, but one of the reasons I left college was for drinking and drugs. Hard drugs...heroin. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I always say that. I like my counselor....I just feel so ashamed saying it out in the open. The things I've done I mean. I decided to stay home tonight and yet again I'm drinking and feeling bad for myself. I just figured I'd give this a shot. Thank you for your input. Any other advice is appreciated. I'm gonna do the list thing again. Maybe somethings changed and I'm just not seeing it. Thanks again.
