I am new to the whole poetry thing and could you please, please tell me

R

rockyrosiestar

New member
what you think of my poem? I wrote it to try and signify how badly treated the black slaves were. I hope I got it across. Please tell me what you think and whether you think I'm good at poetry :)

Withered branches and broken limbs.
Shrivelled hands and rotting breath.
Twisted faces and sunken eyes.
This is us and we walk on.

Shattered bones and broken spirits.
Crooked backs and cracked ribs.
Hacking coughs and shaven heads.
This is us and we walk on.

Unwanted, Unloved,
Beaten and brusied.
Unnoticed...but we are there.
This is us and we walk on

So that was it, it's a bit short but it's my first proper time so...what do you think?
 
It reads to me as though the speaker is saying we live/lived/allowed such shameful acts to happen but refuse/refused to stop and help...to look to our own.

This is a very good pen.. you have done well!
 
I liked it.
I'd say to watch syllables in each line,
and match them up with each other so the poem flows better.

Even though its short, I think its a good beginning poem. Keep it up!
 
I think you are better than you could even begin to believe. For a first effort this is very promising. An awful lot of poems on this site are teen-angst, badly written, dreadful spelling, non-existent grammar; the list goes on.

Your piece however shows someone who has English as a first language and not an occasional hobby! Read some poetry by other poets and examine their use of language, imagery, pace, mood etc.

On this site look out for Elyslund, Buk, Ma, Neonman, hp..just add water, The Mighty Iano amongst others, they will give good feedback. ( Iano might seem harsh but he's honest and usually correct.)

Keep writing, you have the ability to be very good.
 
Pretty good for a first! It makes the reader think about your point, for sure, but it lacks a little of the artistry it needs. I would recommend that in the future you try using less common adjectives - ones that speak to the reader in a way that makes them feel, not just think. For example, instead of saying "broken spirits" which is thrown around incessantly, try using something like "busted soles." The word "busted" will help form a relation to the present because of its current uses and connotations. The word "sole" is generally more meaningful than "spirit." The most important thing to consider, however, is whether or not you have written with language from your heart. As you practice doing so, your poems will gain sway in the hearts of your readers.
 
It's a good start but like all poems can be polished. Use the poetry tools at your command like a carpenter uses his. Get to know metaphor, simile, meter, rhyme, internal rhyme, irony, alliteration, onomatopoeia to strengthen your work. Don't forget the six senses!
Keep up the good work!
 
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