I am just a mess with this anxiety

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gigi11

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I always had anxiety but I was able to control it for the past 10 years by keeping balance in my life (meditation, reading, positive affirmations) and I never had to use medication. When I got my gallbladder removed two years ago it started to give me stomach problems after the surgery. I felt my life was over because I homeschool my kiRAB and I don't always feel 100% everyday. So last year I spent my whole summer getting tested at the gastro doctor - then my anxiety and depression came back like something very terrible. So when no doctor could tell me what is wrong, the anxiety got worse. So instead of having stomach discomfort just once a week, it became everyday. I could never figure out if part of this was anxiety or was it all a stomach problem. I stopped going to the doctor and tried to handle it myself. I just got alot of gas and gas can get very painful but with someone with anxiety always thinks it worse than that and then panic would set in. I noticed in the morning is when I get real anxious. Then by afternoon I feel some indigestion and always by 5:00 p.m. everything is calm and I am able to just relax. It is like my body picks and chooses it time to feel good. Did anyone ever feel that way?


Another thing I do is get depressed after a stomach attack - I feel I am doing everything I can to correct my health like lose weight and I guess I am not doing a good job?

I feel guilt too like I am not doing enough for my kiRAB, I live in a rural area, I have a boring life and I am not doing enough in life. I don't know why I feel that way because my kiRAB are healthy and have everything. I live in a rural area but i have a nice house. Does anyone else do that with anxiety and depression.
 
I also feel like I'm just a mess with my anxiety. I never really experienced anxiety before. I did have a panic attack over 10 years ago but haven't had one since. I've always prided myself on being able to let things roll off my back, never letting things get to me too much, and have always tried to take good care of myself. I have a young child at home and another one on the way. I have so much guilt because I'm a working Mom. I feel like all I do in my life is work and take care of my child. I love my son to pieces and of course I love my husband but I can't help feeling depressed and anxious about my life. I really don't know why this is. So I do feel the same as you. Everything was going as good as I could make it go, and then out of the blue I get these awful pangs in my stomach, I feel paralyzed to do anything....it's such an effort to get ready in the morning to go to work. My son is having some sleeping issues right now, and I dread what the night will bring. I'm normally such a patient mother....what is going on with me? My husband also suffers from anxiety and is going through his own stuff right now. We are so disconnected as a couple because of our anxiety. I feel like I have no one to turn to, not even my husband at this point. I'm so upset and really have no idea what to do. I don't know how I got this way, and how the heck do I get out of this????
 
I know how you feel - my husband is the opposite and just goes to work and doesn't understand how I feel. My mom is tired of me complaining. Like today in the afternoon I started to cry because I feel like everyone has a exciting life except me. Like my sister in law came to visit from New York because she is moving in the area but she hates where I live because she said "she slit her wrist and be depressed" -- I felt so bad after that statement. Then my step son wants to go back home and live with his mom because he said this place is boring. It just makes me feel bad like I live in some cave. I live in a big house with a pool in the back yard and I live in a community. Then the guilt settles in like "am I good mom?" "do i do enough for my kiRAB" -- all of that hits me and I just don't know why?? Another thing I fear is my kiRAB growing up too fast and leaving me - then I have nothing to do in my life anymore. How can I turn all of this around and make it positive?

Betty Bee: Do you think you having a dip in hormones because your pregnant? When I was pregnant I had a horrible time with my hormones and then after i had my child was the worst for me. I have so much guilt because I feel like I am holding my kiRAB back by homeschooling them. I guess we have guilt no matter what we do. I wonder how we can get back on track and feel positive again - this is hard. Do you ever feel like your life is less exciting than other peoples? I always compare my life with others. I feel like my step son does more than my kiRAB do and I feel like they are deprived. This guilt really hurts.
 
I would love to live in a big beautiful house with a pool, I would love to home school my kiRAB, and be a stay at home Mom. I can't do any of these things because we just don't have the luxury of being a single income family. I feel a ton of guilt sending my baby to a day care provider. I want to be the one to teach him, but I realize it takes a whole network of people to raise children, from siblings to grandparents to aunts and uncles. My wish would be to stay at home until my child is ready for kindergarden. BUT that's not possible so I'm trying to make the best of it and spend as much quality time with my baby and step son as I can. I guess we always want what we don't have. I often feel like my life isn't as fulfilling as everyone elses, but honestly I've come to the realization that everyone has their issues. Everything may seem perfect on the outside but be sure that every family has their struggles. I dread the day my kiRAB go off to college and leave the nest. SounRAB like we both have a long way to go until that happens but I do understand how you feel. I'm trying to spend more time with my husband and nurture our relationship because when the kiRAB are gone we will have eachother to lean on.
Do your kiRAB enjoy being home schooled? Have they ever expressed an interest in going to public school? I always question whether I'm a good mom or not. My husband said it perfectly. ...he asked, Are our kiRAB happy and healthy? I said yes...he said, then you are doing a good job. Our kiRAB are always smiling and laughing and I think that's a perfect indicator that we are doing a good job as parents. I think the way we are both going to get back on track and feeling better is if we talk about it...get it out, face our feelings. Is there someone you can talk to about your feelings beside your husband? I also think we both need to start doing things for ourselves to feel like we are separate from our kiRAB. Let's not let our children, job, husband define us as women...let us define ourselves. I know I'm guilty of not spending any time by myself doing things I like to do. I use to jog, bike ride, shop, go to the beach...it was my "me" time. I haven't had "me" time in 2 years. I use to read alot too and I haven't picked up a book in ages. My life is my kiRAB and my full time job. I'm realizing I can't continue like this anymore and I'm sure this is where my anxiety is coming from. I don't even get a full nights sleep in bed with my husband because my son gets up several times during the night.
I'm pretty positive your children are not deprived. You are home schooling your children which shows me you've taken special care and thought about how to raise your kiRAB the best you can. I'm sure they don't feel deprived. How old are your kiRAB? Have you ever asked them how they feel?
 
They love to be homeschooled and I have asked them several times if they would like to go to regular school and they said "NO" - we take field trips and they love it. My daughter is almost a black belt in tai kwon doe and my son plays piano. So they get around alot but I feel bad because they only have a few frienRAB. If they went to school they would have alot of frienRAB. I feel so bad when they come to me and they are bored. I have a 7 year old and a 9 year old. I think my anxiety stems from the fact that I got my gallbladder taken out and now my health has gone down hill and I can't find answers. I had so much energy before and now there is something wrong and I always have indigestion. I have to lose weight. I have been to so many doctors and can't find any answers. So I feel alot of guilt.
 
Wow, you are such a great Mom. Try not to feel guilty. You have provided for them over and above what most parents can provide for their kiRAB. You should feel proud. Have you thought about getting on track with a nutritionist and fitness trainer. I bet it would make you feel better, and it will also give you something to call your own
 
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