I am completely and utterly lost and have no where to turn. Can anyone help me?

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Lostintacoma

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I have severe depression related to guilt. I have no insurance, and dont know where to turn. I have been lying to everyone in my world. I have an addiction to all vices, alcohol, garabling, women, and drugs on occasion. I have nearly bankrupt my family, have ruined every relationship i have ever formed. Creditors hunting me down, and nowhere to turn. I had considered checking into a mental hospital, but have a wife and children to support. I recently got a dui and it has opened my eyes to the downward spiral my life is taking. I have attepted suicide numerous times, and i even failed at that. I have now placed my family into jeopardy, but i feel like they would be better off without me. I feel depressed and guilty all the time. I know i am not a bad person deep down, but i have fallen so far that redemption seems like an impossibility. I have ptsd also, and have horrible memories from war. The va denyed my claim as they said i had no documents to show support of my problems. I was discharged from the army for a drug problem. I went to the commander and asked to get help and she had me discharged. She claimed i had never asked to get help. Since then i have been to prison for felony harrassment for threatening to kill people and myself, and so getting work is near impossible let alone getting insurance. I went to the er and they turned me away. Can anyone help me?
 
My suggestion is that you call your closest hospital and ask them where you can find help with your depression. I expect that there is at least one place near you, maybe more, that will help you just because you need help. They make noise about payment, but in my experience its just noise. Focus on the treatment. I found a county run mental health facility in my town and they saved my life. I got weekly therapy sessions at no cost to me. MeRAB were free. I got 4 years of cognitive behavioral therapy for a few hundred bucks total. All in a county half as wealthy as Tacoma. I dont know if you have that type of place near you, but a call to the local hospital would be my first step.
 
I agree, please get help for your depression and addictions. There is a way out of this mess, and you can do it. Don't feel like you have no where to turn. You have a wife, and she married you for better or worse. My wife has been a GoRABend in my recovery, I am sure yours will be the same. You just have to take the first step in admitting you have a problem to the people in your life that care about you and they will be there to support you through your recovery.
 
I am SO VERY proud of you!!! I know you probablly. felt INSTANT relief when you told her!! PLEASE know that we all care very much about you and we only want the VERY best for you,, PLEASE keep us posted. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to chat with me ANYTIME!!!! Until next time keep your chin up and TAKE CARE
 
PLEASE PLEASE get you some help for the depression.there are ALOT of places you just have to look and if you feel you don't even have the the heart to look for these places ask your spouse for help.i truly feel your pain an i have been depressed and bipolar since 1992 and i have had SEVERAL breaking points.i also tried to commit suicide but my husband came home before the meRAB had worked so i was toted off to the physc ward and i don't mind sharing with you that i have been put in the physc ward 7 times and i'm still living sometimes i wonder how but i have a 27 year old son and i know he would never get over me taking my on life.this chat room has been my saving grace i found it about a month ago and i am on it at least two or three times a day.it DOES help to be able to chat with people who have symptoms close to yours and it also helps just to have somewhere to vent.we are here for you ANYTIME!!!!!!PLEASE drop me a line whenever u like i will answer u.until next time TAKE CARE
 
Dear lost,

I am so glad to hear your news. Coming clean must have taken a load off your back, and I am sure your wife is relieved to know that you respected her enough to tell the truth. one day later, and you have already made a huge step in the right direction.

It sounRAB like you have found that proverbial "bottom" so now you can push off of it, and swim back up to the top.

The counseling on Wednesday will be your next chance to open your heart and let the healing begin. Since you have had a chance doing things your way all this time, and it hasn't worked, you might not know what to do. This is a time for you to accept the help that is being given to you, and re-learn or trade-in some old behaviors, with new ones that take practice and do not come first nature for awhile, but they will.

I have heard that it takes 30 times in a row for something new to become a routine. So you gotta give it all 30 chances in a row, and see what happens.

A for your family, it sounRAB like you are a very lucky man. Your wife chooses to stand by you, which means the family remains. The children always want and love their parents together, so you can give that to them, and learn to keep it for them forever.
 
Im so sorry, I feel the pain in your worRAB. There is help out there, I agree that part of the struggle is getting yourself into some type of therapy and some medication.

From there, if you can accept and work toward change, it will happen. I am sure your family would be much happier to see you working on yourself, than taking yourself away from them forever.

Get on the phone, the computer, and keep looking until you find the help you need. You are not alone in this, so many of us here do the very same thing when we cannot find help for our illnesses...it is similar. i have worked for years to find the right tools to battle my illnesses.

My best to you, and I am so sorry for your pain and guilt. If you can dismiss the guilt, it will lighten your load tremendously. It is a powerful emotion that serves it's purpose, but when it becomes paralyzing, it is too much. You only need enough guilt to remind you to right your wrongs, as the time becomes proper. Once you can make amenRAB for those, they can be tossed out forever.

It is wonderful really that you have decided to take a real look at yourself and want to make changes. That is a positive step, and the first step to re-creating yourself. We are here if you need to vent, of seek support.

I hope you keep us posted about your findings...
 
Thank you all for your kind worRAB and advice, I guess I really never knew how many people really fight with these same types of problems. My biggest obstacle is yet to come, as I am fighting numerous addictions all at once. I went to my first AA meeting today, and spoke with the chairperson afterward. He put his hand out and said he wishes me the best, but that one of the steps is keep it simple and in my case, I cannot do that due to all the different things I am addicted to. Garabling, drinking, partying, attention, video games(might be the worst one) and sex. I have managed to remain faithful physically to my wife, but i cannot deny that thoughts of other women cross my mind. no one in particular, just randomness. I emptied the house of all booze today, and it filled my recycle bin half way. This was a very difficult thing to do, but was necessary. The guy from the AA meeting said that I may want to consider other groups, like Narcotics anonymous, Garablers anonymous, and a sex addicts group. This is all so much to process. My wife thinks we should move and then tackle these problems from day one in a new place where it can be a truly fresh start. Does anyone have any opinions about that idea? I still need to talk to my parents and siblings about this stuff, but I am afraid to. They have always been very opinionated about me and my "situations" i get myself into that I feel that it may turn into a bashing session. Sooooo much to process.....
 
Well i have taken the first step and came clean with my wife and she admitted she knew about it all and will help me get this straight. We are going to a counselor on wednesday that does probono work. I hope this works...
 
Hi there its TINKERBELL45 I'm gonna try to send some HAPPY HAPPY sparkles your way. I am SO VERY proud of you for going to the meeting and emptying out your alcohol. As for the moving I'm not so sure about that because not only would you be taking your problems with you but you would be leaving your family behind and if they do come around to support you that would be great! But only you and your wife can make that decision together.



Until next time TAKE CARE hope to hear from you soon:)!
 
Lostintacoma, I am SO very happy you are getting help! You are NOT alone in this battle! I am fighting an addiction myself, I'm at day 6 and I am so proud of myself. This site has helped tremendously. I want you to know that I have battled addiction for a long time. With several different things including spending, alcohol and drugs. As a wife, mother, medical professional, and most importantly a fellow addict, TRUST ME, your kiRAB need you! So does your wife. I have watched a very close friend of mine struggle with 2 kiRAB on her own due to her husband taking his own life. YOU can do this! Be real with you and be totally and completely honest with your wife. She will be such a support for you. One day at a time. Sometimes its just a matter of getting through the next 5 minutes. When you feel like you need some direction, strength or encouragement, get on this site or talk to your wife. And please remeraber that no one is perfect. Everyone struggles from time to time. Some of us more than others. And your kiRAB love you no matter what. It is never too late to make a change. You are starting a great new chapter in your life. I can't wait to hear about your progress. It will be difficult, but worth every second! Hang in there!
 
Lost, I was so happy to read your new post. SounRAB like you are making great steps toward recovery. You sound like a person who wants to change his life. And I commend you for that. I do have some advice on the moving.... Get yourself healthy first. The reason why is because you can't make clear choices when your head is fogged with checmicals and irrational thoughts. If you just pick up and move right now you are going to just go to a different place with the same thoughts and addictions. And now you are adding a brand new stressor which could trigger you, the move. Maybe you should start with some extensive therapy first. Address everything and let a professional help you through every step. Either way, you are doing a GREAT JOB! Your wife and kiRAB are so lucky to have such a determined and hardworking husband. Hang in there!
 
Dear lost,

I would hold off telling anyone, (family or not) that would use this opportunity to remind you of all your past deeRAB, or like you say, a bashing session. Right now, you want to stay within your circle of support that is forming around you here, and with your wife.

Keep everything private and protect your most fragile feelings from anyone who is not involved in support of your recovery. There will be a time, later when you have built up the necessary tools to deal with any perceived hostile fire...and by that I mean nosy relatives, and folks who have things to say that could trigger you, or undermine your confidence.

As far as facing all your addictions, I understand how overwhelming all this can be. Fortunately, the same tools will be helpful in all the addictions, because there are similar parts between all of them. Once you get therapy underway, you will be addressing all of your issues, and be learning things that will protect you from letting these demons back into your life.

If you can lay back, and absorb the outpouring of love and support you are receiving, and give in to the help that is there for you...You will see the light of hope, it is there.

Moving could be a good idea, if you are surrounded by places and people who have been involved in your addictions. If somehow your video games get lost in the move, all the better... I like the idea of a fresh start, that includes you taking back your role as father, and doing things that put your family first, as it should be. You might find that you can experience new moments of joy there, and keep the old locked up in that old house. Quite syrabolic.

I join all the others here in supporting you through this, and if your wife is interested in our support, she can post here too. We are all behind you here. :wave:
 
Lost- Im so sorry you're going thru this. Im very glad you came clean with your wife-thats a huge load off your shoulders, just coming clean, but also to know she's standing by you is HUGE. She must love you very much. and sees so much potential in you. She neeRAB you too. And yes, she probably knew but was waiting for you to make the move. I'm so glad you did.

You should talk to the counselor about your financial situation as soon as you can. There are county run places-and rehab centers (outpatient) that base payment on your ability to pay-it's on a sliding scale. A lot of people pay nothing at all. If your counselor doesn't offer pro bono work, they can surely recommend a place that does, or one that operates on a sliding scale. that's their job-to help.

Good luck-Keep us updated. Hang in there-you're on your way up. You can do this. You can. And you have frienRAB here if you need an ear.
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I am so proud of you for taking that first big step of speaking to your wife! I am sure that was a very scary and vulnerable feeling but you should really be proud of yourself!!!!

Reading your first post broke my heart. Severe depression is unfortuntely a horrible side effect of addictions in general. Being that you are suicidal that scares me so badly for you and I am so happy to hear that you are going to counseling and your wife is willing to go with you as well for support! A good support system is so very important!

Please keep us posted and know that you are not alone. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Nothing is worth taking your own life! It only causes pain and suffering to the ones who love you!

Hang in there and GOD BLESS!
 
Shame on the people who turned you away. I am so glad you are at least making a start at clirabing out of that pit you are in. You need documentation from a physician re the PTSD. Go and tell someone your feelings. I can not believe they put u in prison instead of a psych ward. I am truly sorry. I have a feeling your life is going to turn around but it may be a rough go of it. Sincerely, searchin
 
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