I am an aspiring author looking for a little critical advice. Here's a passage

[Mia]

from one of my books:? “So, we each will get three powers?” he asked.
“We are supposed to, but I’m not sure,” I told him while trying to keep my tone even.
“Well, I guess I have two of the three then,” he said casually.
“Really? What else can you do?” I asked, trying to hide my enthusiasm but failing miserably.
“I’m not really sure if it’s a super power, but I can run amazingly fast,” He told me carefully, trying to see how I’d react.
“What, you mean like the Flash, the superhero in the red one piece who could run at like lightning speed?” I asked chuckling.
“Yeah I guess, like the Flash,” he was laughing too, “You see lately I’ve been running to school, to try and test out my speed. I ran here today too.” He paused, seeming to debate whether or not to go on.
“Can I tell you something just between the two of us?” he asked me seriously.
I laughed-- as if this entire conversation wasn’t going to be kept just between the two of us.
He got really close to me and whispered right next to my ear. It took all of my effort not to laugh, because it tickled so badly.
“I can run really, really fast,” As soon as he said this, he jumped off the bed.
The next thing I knew he was a blur, he was moving so fast that I couldn’t see his legs, or anything else. The only sound emitting from him was a rubbing sound, coming from his bare feet hitting the carpet. Soon, he sat back on the bed.
“Wow,” was the only word I could manage to say.

***This is a reposted question***

 

[patticharron]

First, I have a suggestion:

Pick up a copy of "On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft" by Stephen King. You need not be a King fan to appreciate this book. The first half is a memoir of how he came to be a writer; the second half is loaded with generous advice on how to write.

King devotes quite a few words to "He Said-She Said," encouraging the use of "said" in dialogue attribution, as opposed to most anything else.

You have done a decent job of advancing your story and creating good images. The writing itself needs some polishing.

E.g., lose the adverbs. Find better verbs or better ways to express yourself without the adverbs.

I asked chuckling - I chuckled. (There's a question mark. We know you asked.)

He asked me seriously - He lowered his voice and glanced around as if to check for eavesdroppers.

He got really close - Avoid at all cost: really, very, sort of, about,
almost, nearly

I can run really, really fast . . . . - oh come on

Good writing has much to do with rewriting and editing and more rewriting. I have no doubt that you can do this. Email with questions. Good luck!

 

[Michelle]

warning- I'm a hard critique with bad spelling and a slim vocab.

First of all, I think you use too many "ask"s, "said"s, "told"s,

--“Yeah I guess, like the Flash,” he was laughing too, “You see lately I’ve been running to school, to try and test out my speed. I ran here today too.” He paused, seeming to debate whether or not to go on.--

This is a good sentence here. Placing a third person narrative right inbetween the talking. Make sure you don't always use those "said"s etc. The reader will get who's talking after a while.

Now the Talking parts... In real life, people aren't usually able to say such long sentences in a conversation. Try shortening them a little bit.

--He got really close to me and whispered right next to my ear. It took all of my effort not to laugh, because it tickled so badly.--

Also, in the above text, the "it took all of my effort not to laugh, because it tickled so badly." can be rearranged to not sound so awkward. So it looks like this
"It tickled so badly that it took all of my effort not to laugh."
Commas are nice and everything, but if it sounds better without a comma, ditch 'em. Commas are great, but don't always rely on them.

...And that's the more major parts in your writing I think.
You're pretty good actually. Read a couple more books and try writing in different styles. (aka 1st person present tense etc)

 

[imaniac]

That's pretty decent writing but there's still room for improvment. Replace some words with more powerful ones... You should replace words like really and you repetite the word fast alot maybe you can say in a blink of an eye, or something like that. Show that he moves fast don't just tell us and expect us to believe it. Otherwise your dialouge flows and as I stated before it's fairly decent writing. If you keep practicing who knows maybe in ten years you'll have a lucrative career in writing . Best of luck, fellow writer.