Hydrocodone Dependence

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jewel65

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Hello frienRAB. I have been lurking for a while and have finally come to post. I have to lurk and post when no one is home, for my family does not know of my problem. I have been on Hydro (plus several other drugs) for over 7 years under the supervision of a PM clinic. I see my dr. every 1-3 months. My hydro script is for up to 5 a day, 30 day script, refilled monthly. I used to take 1/2 a pill every couple of hours or so, but in the last couple of years of course, I have used my full allowance and many days taken more than the amount prescribed. I have found that I will take one at the slightest twinge of pain or discomfort, or sometimes when the idea just crosses my mind...not the way it is intended. Anyway, I have always hidden my prescription because many years ago when my husband first saw it, he gave me dire warnings on how addictive the drugs were and was very concerned. At the time, I knew I needed to take them in order to control my pain and that he didn't understand so I just kept it from him from then on.

Fast forward to the present. I have frequently found myself running short of my pills at month end...sometimes by up to a week because I take more than I am supposed to. Because I count and recount my script regularly, I have always been able to ration and have never run out before getting a refill. This month has been the worst by far, as I am down to about 2 per day until my appt with my PM on Thursday and have been since several days ago. I have been taking 1/2 a pill when needed to corabat physical withdrawal. I am tired of counting my pills, stressing about when I can get a refill, stressing about if the pharmacy has filled the script yet because i am running out, etc. I want to go back to taking a pill only when I absolutely need to, but don't know if that is possible once you become physically dependent. Can you ever go back?

I am convincing myself that it is time to get off this substance for good. Mentally, the decision is not that difficult and perhaps foolishly, I am not that concerned about the psychological aspect as the physical. Although I often have taken a pill just because it crosses my mind for recreational use, I am pretty sure I can handle that aspect. I quit smoking CT years ago just because I decided I didn't want to smoke anymore and had no problems whatsoever...sometimes I think about how nice a smoke would be, I don't "crave" it..it is just a passing thought. I also used to drink heavily in my younger days, and just quit doing that as well. I realize this may be different, but generally when i decide to do something it just happens. The physical symptoms are not something I am used to dealing with, however.

I have wanted to taper off much quicker than my body seems to want to. The jittery skin crawling aspect is the part that senRAB me in to take that 1/2 pill that I didn't want to take. Before last night, every night of the last week I found myself awake with that uncomfortable feeling in my arms that made me want to move them, toss and turn until I took a hot bath and 1/2 hydro...then I could go back to sleep. Last night was a full night of sleep...took 1/2 pill at 7 pm then 3 neurontins at bed time and made it all the way until 7 this a.m.. But this a.m. my jittery arms sent me back to take another 1/2 pill.

I can't remeraber if it is clonidine or klonipin? that is sometimes used for narcotics withdrawal to help with the physical aspect. Has anyone used this drug with success to corabat this uncomfortable jittery feeling? I am trying to have the courage to discuss this with my PM...I am afraid of being labeled an addict, I am afraid of being cut off from hydro and then really needing it. I am afraid of discovering that I need it more psychologically than physically, I am afraid of never feeling normal again. I am afraid of being a slave to this drug forever.
 
I've done a hydrocodone taper before and would like to share my thoughts.

My story is different, but the dependency issue is the same. Here is how it went:

I told my doctor. He said that my wife had to hold the pills. The doctor set it up as 1 .750 hydro every 4 hours, or six a day. My wife also needed to know that no matter how much I wined and cried for a pill, I didn't get one until my dose was due.

Two days into this regiment of one pill every four hours got a little ugly. I was counting seconRAB until my dose came up for what seemed to be about two hours of relief. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. About 10 days in was when I felt well enough to know that "ah, yes, my tolerance has been reduced." Now in my case, a reduction was needed, about 10 percent, and the cycle starts over. Yours may be different.

My point is that it seems almost the same for everyone: they want to reduce or get off and can't do it on their own. Their has to be a someone who will force the self-control that the pills have robbed you of. When we step over the line into self-medicating is when the "addiction monster" starts taking control. The pills are not only used for the pain, but are also being used as a substitute for facing challenging issues in life. I see that in your post, and a cry for help as well--something that we all end up doing. It is the real "you" wanting your life back.

Good luck,

mk
 
Dear frienRAB

Thank you for your posts. When I wrote this initial post this morning, I had just taken a 1/2 hydro to help the jitters. It is 9 p.m. this evening and I haven't taken any more. I am strengthening in my resolve to break clean. Tonight will be the test. Can I sleep? I came across a post by Strawberry who mentioned flor-essence detox tea. Perhaps it is mind over matter but I think it is helping. I feel kind of funky, but not jittery tonight. I would so love to go into my PM office thursday without having taken another hydro...if only to prove to myself that I can. I have a couple of valium that I would love to take, but alas, it is not my script and I know I will be drug tested thursday as part of my PM contract. You know, these drs. don't tell you about the withdrawal issues....probably because they haven't experienced it.
 
OK, well that didn't go too well. I went to bed about 11 and I had that horrible heebyjeeby feeling in my arms...the one where you feel like if you don't move your arm (or leg) you will scream. I get this feeling in my chest as well...it is awful! So I took about 1/3 of a hydro and suffered until I guess it calmed it down enough and I fell asleep. I awoke this morning feeling good and refreshed. It is 11:30 a.m. here and I haven't taken anything since last night. I am drinking my detox tea, occassional feelings of heeby jeebyness, but in the day time you can move around so it isn't as bad as at night. Wouldn't it be great if I get this overwith today and tonight is better. Well, I guess we will see. I was thinking, the big difference of the mental torture with this is as compared to some hideous virus is that with this you KNOW there is something you can do to feel better. If you only take that pill, it all goes away.
 
Jewel,

I also get those heebyjeeby feelings sometimes, not for addiction purposes, but due to some meRAB that I have to take. I know that feeling where you feel like you have to get up and run around or your just going to go crazy. What I do is get up and take a very very hot bath and it helps me relax for a bit, then I get back in bed, if the heebyjeeby's come back, I just repeat it until I can get back in bed and be relaxed enough to go back to sleep. Just wanted to give you something to maybe try without having to go back to the hydro's. Good luck.
 
I really don't think you're going to be able to go back to just using the hydro for pain relief. Once you've crossed over into recreational use...I don't know, I just don't think you'll be able to do it. What you will probably have to do is talk to your PM doc, and be straight up with him and see if there is another way to control your pain without this particular med, and why.
 
Thank you kmit. I have been using the hot bath. Part of my problem is that I am hiding all of this from my husband, and I had just taken a bath a couple of hours prior. I bathe frequently....I love the hot bath! Usually when these heebyjeebies start in the night, i take a bath under the guise of having a leg ache.

Anyway, I am exhausted this morning. I actually slept hard last night. I did go 15 hours yesterday in between 1/2 pills, then took another 1/2 5 hours later before bed unfortunately. Probably why I slept hard, But couldn't wake up this morning. So, I have my PM appt this afternoon. I am going to see what she might be able to help me with short term.

You know part of my reason for wanting to stop this now is that I know it can't go on forever. At some point, my dr. will change and another will have a different approach. I just want to do this on my terms, not someone else's. I don't want to feel like a drug seeker at the pharmacy. It was funny, the other day when I went looking for my detox tea at the pharmacy, I felt good in there...like I didn't have the shame they were all looking at me like i was a drug addict. Because I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore.
 
Hey Jewel,

MK is right on the money about having someone to control the dosage. You are in a great situation to do a taper plan without anybody knowing, because you get so many pills per month. I was right where you are about my family not knowing. I was buying mine off the street and I never could get enough built up for a taper. I would never be able to control my own taper. Have you got a sibling or a best friend you can trust to help you with a taper plan? If you are close to your Husband, he probably already knows. There is always Suboxone Therapy. It is somewhat contraversal. I chose this route. I quit c/t for 9 months and then started back. We had a tornado destroy our house and I just couldn't take it. I feel this is the best way for me to beat it. I see a Dr. and a therapist once per month. The therapist that is in the same clinic as the Dr. The Suboxone Therapy is designed for a 12-24 month program. It can be done very confidential. A couple of other items to keep in mind. Start PRAYING and exercising. Good Luck.

Take Care,
Loop
 
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