Last month my former fiancee broke off our engagement and moved out of the house I bought us a year ago, shortly after we were engaged.
The key issue was that because of a libido mismatch, she tended to feel like I only value her more as a source of sex, rather than for herself.
For the year prior to us moving in together, we only saw each other on weekends and had passionate lovemaking 1-2 times each weekend.
However, immediately after moving in together a year ago, the sex quickly tapered off to once a week, most commonly on Sunday mornings. There were a few months earlier where we had sex an extra evening a week, so sex in the evening was not unheard of, but rare... unless we missed a Sunday morning, in which case we usually made up for it Sunday night.
The issue to be overcome is: How could I convince her that I love her for who she IS, and that the sex is secondary? However, that if I wanted to make love to her a few times a week, how to avoid her feeling like she was less important than me getting laid?
It became an issue when I brought up in counseling that I wanted for us to work on increasing our lovemaking frequency to shoot for about 2-3 times a week or so. I emphasized that I loved her inside and out and found her completely irresistable, despite her low self body image (constantly complaining that she was fat even when I emphasized that I liked her body exactly as it was)
She had a problem in a previous marriage where her ex would be visibly upset if she didn't have sex with him, so I quickly learned not to show any signs of disappointment when she wasn't in the mood to make love. I learned to just accept it. But by simply bringing up that I wanted for us to make an effort to make love more often, that set her off into feeling like just a piece of meat.
Keep in mind these were during the months preceeding when we were planning to marry, which led me to expect that we'd be more "into" each other, sexually & emotionally.
My ultimate position was that I would accept the situation as it was, since sex is secondary (just the icing on the cake) but it would be nice if we could work on the sexual aspect, starting with correcting her negative body image.
I am not posting this question to ask if this is the right woman for me, because I know the first reaction from many will be to tell me that we are incompatible and I should find somebody else. Because I have come to realize how much I love her, regardless of how often we have sex, and she tells me she still loves me as well.
So (assuming that this were the only issue), this appears to be the age-old scenario of two people that truly love each other and want things to work, however have a libido mismatch resulting in the woman feeling like she is worth no more than how much she will put out. That is what she believes because I asked her to make an effort to compromise on the lovemaking frequency. Since compromising is not always a viable option in all cases of libido mismatch, I identified that I would have to take care of myself in other ways, but that only made her suspicious of me getting involved in an affair, which I could NEVER do. I would rather let my sexual desires for her wane away rather than lose her or have an affair.
So the question would be how would I be able to get her to be open to increasing our lovemaking frequency, while still assuring her that I love her for who she is, rather than how much sex she can provide?
The key issue was that because of a libido mismatch, she tended to feel like I only value her more as a source of sex, rather than for herself.
For the year prior to us moving in together, we only saw each other on weekends and had passionate lovemaking 1-2 times each weekend.
However, immediately after moving in together a year ago, the sex quickly tapered off to once a week, most commonly on Sunday mornings. There were a few months earlier where we had sex an extra evening a week, so sex in the evening was not unheard of, but rare... unless we missed a Sunday morning, in which case we usually made up for it Sunday night.
The issue to be overcome is: How could I convince her that I love her for who she IS, and that the sex is secondary? However, that if I wanted to make love to her a few times a week, how to avoid her feeling like she was less important than me getting laid?
It became an issue when I brought up in counseling that I wanted for us to work on increasing our lovemaking frequency to shoot for about 2-3 times a week or so. I emphasized that I loved her inside and out and found her completely irresistable, despite her low self body image (constantly complaining that she was fat even when I emphasized that I liked her body exactly as it was)
She had a problem in a previous marriage where her ex would be visibly upset if she didn't have sex with him, so I quickly learned not to show any signs of disappointment when she wasn't in the mood to make love. I learned to just accept it. But by simply bringing up that I wanted for us to make an effort to make love more often, that set her off into feeling like just a piece of meat.
Keep in mind these were during the months preceeding when we were planning to marry, which led me to expect that we'd be more "into" each other, sexually & emotionally.
My ultimate position was that I would accept the situation as it was, since sex is secondary (just the icing on the cake) but it would be nice if we could work on the sexual aspect, starting with correcting her negative body image.
I am not posting this question to ask if this is the right woman for me, because I know the first reaction from many will be to tell me that we are incompatible and I should find somebody else. Because I have come to realize how much I love her, regardless of how often we have sex, and she tells me she still loves me as well.
So (assuming that this were the only issue), this appears to be the age-old scenario of two people that truly love each other and want things to work, however have a libido mismatch resulting in the woman feeling like she is worth no more than how much she will put out. That is what she believes because I asked her to make an effort to compromise on the lovemaking frequency. Since compromising is not always a viable option in all cases of libido mismatch, I identified that I would have to take care of myself in other ways, but that only made her suspicious of me getting involved in an affair, which I could NEVER do. I would rather let my sexual desires for her wane away rather than lose her or have an affair.
So the question would be how would I be able to get her to be open to increasing our lovemaking frequency, while still assuring her that I love her for who she is, rather than how much sex she can provide?