Happy Bunny
New member
.... and how to stop thinking/worrying about his ex girlfriends?
I'm 22, he's 34, and we are very compatible age wise... we share interests, ideas, dreams, etc...
I've been with my bf for 3 years and a half, we're pretty happy together, no lying, no cheating, he doesn't go out with the guys to bars or clubs so far nothing to make me feel insecure.
***skip to the end to read my question without all the boring details
Here it comes...
He's my first real relationship... I've dated before him, but never more than a couple of months, most of the times a couple of weeks and no sex involved... so he's my first.
Given his age well it's inevitable that he had previous long term relationships and he has told me about all of them in much more detail than I needed. I realize that only now, because at the time I was curious and didn't ask him to stop or anything, but even asked a couple of questions myself.
His 2 longest were 1 his college sweetheart with whom he had to break up because his parents were moving out of country (tried to take her with, she wasn't ready to leave, it ended) and 2 a 4 year gf with whom he had to break up because the relationship slowly degraded until it became unbearable, a lot of fighting, they were not compatible nor happy together anymore. He gave a lot of details about the later.
We had only 2-3 months together and he would remember all sorts of situations involving his ex, similar places or the exact same we were in, similar contexts, activities he has done with her and he would tell me how bad/mean/bitchy/unfair she was in the particular situation. At one point I started thinking that he wasn't over her and couldn't take it anymore. Asked him to stop bringing her up. For a while he still talked about it from time to time, causing me to get angrier and angrier until it became a forbidden topic and he doesn't mention it anymore.
I get mental when I find pictures of any of them in drawers, computer etc asked him to delete/throw them away and he did.
*** my question now:
My main concern is that he has already loved one of them the most he could ever love someone... meaning even though he only loves me now, he doesn't love me as much as he loved someone else before me. Do you get what I mean?? Like there is a woman in his life that got away, that he lost, and that he regrets losing, even though he loves me now. Am I crazy? Immature? Selfish? Arogant? Tell me please! I wish I could erase his past and his memories with any woman, because I start shaking when I imagine he was in love and happy in someone else's arms.
Thank you everyone for your answers, it means a lot to me, it is the first question I post here and I really appreciate your detailed answers Lela, Jera, Nyc and J_One.
** you are right about the monster part, I sure feel like one sometimes... all these emotions come over that I cannot explain nor control.
** I don't forbid him to go out
) , he hangs out with the guys working on cars that's his hobby, not a big fan of drinking or strippers. We do go clubbing together and have a great time...
** Another thing that concerned me was when his college gf, may I add she might be a little off, started texting him (from another country) that he's the one, she regrets breaking up, her husband is bad etc even though it's been almost 2 decades since. He asked her to stop texting crazy stuff, tried to be friends with her, ended up ignoring her for a while, reestablished friendly contact when he wanted to send something to a friend in her city. Bf usually tells me abt her trying to contact on
only a while after because he knows I go nuts. Now she is tagging old pictures of him even though he did not accept her as a friend. I am sure she tried to contact him and he didn't tell me about it, to avoid making me upset.
He assured me he wouldn't go back with her or any of them... but here I am, it bothers me. I know I should ignore her silly attempts to "steal my man" but "growing up emotionally" doesn't come easy.
I'm 22, he's 34, and we are very compatible age wise... we share interests, ideas, dreams, etc...
I've been with my bf for 3 years and a half, we're pretty happy together, no lying, no cheating, he doesn't go out with the guys to bars or clubs so far nothing to make me feel insecure.
***skip to the end to read my question without all the boring details
Here it comes...
He's my first real relationship... I've dated before him, but never more than a couple of months, most of the times a couple of weeks and no sex involved... so he's my first.
Given his age well it's inevitable that he had previous long term relationships and he has told me about all of them in much more detail than I needed. I realize that only now, because at the time I was curious and didn't ask him to stop or anything, but even asked a couple of questions myself.
His 2 longest were 1 his college sweetheart with whom he had to break up because his parents were moving out of country (tried to take her with, she wasn't ready to leave, it ended) and 2 a 4 year gf with whom he had to break up because the relationship slowly degraded until it became unbearable, a lot of fighting, they were not compatible nor happy together anymore. He gave a lot of details about the later.
We had only 2-3 months together and he would remember all sorts of situations involving his ex, similar places or the exact same we were in, similar contexts, activities he has done with her and he would tell me how bad/mean/bitchy/unfair she was in the particular situation. At one point I started thinking that he wasn't over her and couldn't take it anymore. Asked him to stop bringing her up. For a while he still talked about it from time to time, causing me to get angrier and angrier until it became a forbidden topic and he doesn't mention it anymore.
I get mental when I find pictures of any of them in drawers, computer etc asked him to delete/throw them away and he did.
*** my question now:
My main concern is that he has already loved one of them the most he could ever love someone... meaning even though he only loves me now, he doesn't love me as much as he loved someone else before me. Do you get what I mean?? Like there is a woman in his life that got away, that he lost, and that he regrets losing, even though he loves me now. Am I crazy? Immature? Selfish? Arogant? Tell me please! I wish I could erase his past and his memories with any woman, because I start shaking when I imagine he was in love and happy in someone else's arms.
Thank you everyone for your answers, it means a lot to me, it is the first question I post here and I really appreciate your detailed answers Lela, Jera, Nyc and J_One.
** you are right about the monster part, I sure feel like one sometimes... all these emotions come over that I cannot explain nor control.
** I don't forbid him to go out
) , he hangs out with the guys working on cars that's his hobby, not a big fan of drinking or strippers. We do go clubbing together and have a great time...** Another thing that concerned me was when his college gf, may I add she might be a little off, started texting him (from another country) that he's the one, she regrets breaking up, her husband is bad etc even though it's been almost 2 decades since. He asked her to stop texting crazy stuff, tried to be friends with her, ended up ignoring her for a while, reestablished friendly contact when he wanted to send something to a friend in her city. Bf usually tells me abt her trying to contact on
only a while after because he knows I go nuts. Now she is tagging old pictures of him even though he did not accept her as a friend. I am sure she tried to contact him and he didn't tell me about it, to avoid making me upset.
He assured me he wouldn't go back with her or any of them... but here I am, it bothers me. I know I should ignore her silly attempts to "steal my man" but "growing up emotionally" doesn't come easy.