I have felt an immense level of guilt and sadness throughout the 17 years of my life.
My parents had been estranged in an unhappy marriage even before my birth. My mother was vengeful and swore to take revenge on my dad and his parents after my birth. Hence, ever since my birth, quarrels took place on a daily basis. My mother was the " dominant" one in the relationship. My dad was a meek person. He was uneducated and was an emotionally absent father. I didnt dare to touch him until I grew a little older later. He was initially a stranger to me.
Either on saturdays or sundays, I was bound to receive a beating from my mother. I didnt think she realize that it was already a ritualistic routine behavior and I began to suspect that my mother was mentally unsound. In my mother's own words, I was an extremely sweet and well-behaved child. I didn't know why she enjoyed terrorizing me but it later dawned on me that she regarded me as an emotional outlet to vent her fury. However, I was still a young child and it didnt really hurt me psychologically that much. This took place over a span of about 2 to 3 years.
As a young child, I witnessed my mother attempting to commit suicide by climbing over the window grills. Fear paralyzed me and because I loved my mother dearly though she terrorized me all the time, I held onto her dearly and broke down in tears. Of course, she did not give up on her suicidal attempts. It was t to a point when I wished she could just end it all by simply kicking me off the window. Yet, i was merely a child then. My mother told me repeatedly that she wished that she could die with me together. This created an impression on me that my life was worthless and my greatest ambition in life was to die as I had caused her much grief and sorrow.
I repeatedly witnessed my mother being physically abusive to my dad and then i would be dragged into this whole puddle of mess. She would belittle me and say that i was the cause of all her worries.
Then, things took a twist for the worse. I grew a little older and seeing that I had matured, my mother decided to start her "revenge-taking plans" on my father. I cant really remember what happened thereafter but I remembered losing my ability to talk. I had difficulty uttering words to my classmates and everybody else. I grew so withdrawn that I completely lived in an imaginary plane of my own. I couldn't even engage in a proper conversation with people of my age because my mother told me that i was stupid and worthless. I ought never to have been born.
Then, I progressed to high school and started being overly talkative. I had totally dissociated myself from who i had been earlier on because I yearned so much to be liked and appreciated. My results started taking a dip and I did not perform up to expectations in the end. I was from one of the top schools in my country and though i was supposed to be one of the top students too, i ended up being one of the worst students because I couldn't deal with my past. My mother noticed my failing grades and added on to my miseries. I couldn't tell her about my grief and instead ended up being aggressive and hostile to her.
My mother and I would engage in physical fights. To be honest, I was always the one injured. I hurt her to defend myself. I never really hurt her physically. She did to me. She pulled my hair with all the strength that she had, kicked my repeatedly, slapped me as hard as she could and punched me on my back. She could not fathom why I would turn out to be a delinquent child. yet, in school , I was still the sweet and " perfect" friend that my friends had stated. Our quarrels lasted more than 3 hours per day and since she had the upper hand as she was my mum, I was constantly in a state of panic and fear. I argued with her over the smallest things as I was tired of her. Moreover, my mother's moods were erratic and she tried to find fault with me over everything.
My mother also constantly called me a whore with high sexual gratification needs in the presence of all my relatives. She said that I should be fucking with guys instead of studying. She also asked me why I wasn't dead yet. In public, she would slap me for no apparent reason and cause everyone to stare at me. She would create scenes by screaming at me. I remembered the crowd staring when she yelled at me to get knocked down by a car. I mean- i cant help it if no cars went to take my life away. I tried not to look at the traffic but it never works.
I grew terribly insecure and met a guy online in the hope of a relationship. I was from a girls' school and I didn't know any guys. I made out with him and he touched me all over. Then, i went home in tears, thinking that I had made my mother's wish come true. I broke up with him thereafter. But the guy had gone crazy for me. He was obsessed with me. He said that I was everything that he wanted. I became his reason for living. He stalked my every movement and terrified me.
That guy committed suicide as he had lost his reason for living.
My mother is desperate to engage me with a man, so that she doesnt have to care for me anymore
My parents had been estranged in an unhappy marriage even before my birth. My mother was vengeful and swore to take revenge on my dad and his parents after my birth. Hence, ever since my birth, quarrels took place on a daily basis. My mother was the " dominant" one in the relationship. My dad was a meek person. He was uneducated and was an emotionally absent father. I didnt dare to touch him until I grew a little older later. He was initially a stranger to me.
Either on saturdays or sundays, I was bound to receive a beating from my mother. I didnt think she realize that it was already a ritualistic routine behavior and I began to suspect that my mother was mentally unsound. In my mother's own words, I was an extremely sweet and well-behaved child. I didn't know why she enjoyed terrorizing me but it later dawned on me that she regarded me as an emotional outlet to vent her fury. However, I was still a young child and it didnt really hurt me psychologically that much. This took place over a span of about 2 to 3 years.
As a young child, I witnessed my mother attempting to commit suicide by climbing over the window grills. Fear paralyzed me and because I loved my mother dearly though she terrorized me all the time, I held onto her dearly and broke down in tears. Of course, she did not give up on her suicidal attempts. It was t to a point when I wished she could just end it all by simply kicking me off the window. Yet, i was merely a child then. My mother told me repeatedly that she wished that she could die with me together. This created an impression on me that my life was worthless and my greatest ambition in life was to die as I had caused her much grief and sorrow.
I repeatedly witnessed my mother being physically abusive to my dad and then i would be dragged into this whole puddle of mess. She would belittle me and say that i was the cause of all her worries.
Then, things took a twist for the worse. I grew a little older and seeing that I had matured, my mother decided to start her "revenge-taking plans" on my father. I cant really remember what happened thereafter but I remembered losing my ability to talk. I had difficulty uttering words to my classmates and everybody else. I grew so withdrawn that I completely lived in an imaginary plane of my own. I couldn't even engage in a proper conversation with people of my age because my mother told me that i was stupid and worthless. I ought never to have been born.
Then, I progressed to high school and started being overly talkative. I had totally dissociated myself from who i had been earlier on because I yearned so much to be liked and appreciated. My results started taking a dip and I did not perform up to expectations in the end. I was from one of the top schools in my country and though i was supposed to be one of the top students too, i ended up being one of the worst students because I couldn't deal with my past. My mother noticed my failing grades and added on to my miseries. I couldn't tell her about my grief and instead ended up being aggressive and hostile to her.
My mother and I would engage in physical fights. To be honest, I was always the one injured. I hurt her to defend myself. I never really hurt her physically. She did to me. She pulled my hair with all the strength that she had, kicked my repeatedly, slapped me as hard as she could and punched me on my back. She could not fathom why I would turn out to be a delinquent child. yet, in school , I was still the sweet and " perfect" friend that my friends had stated. Our quarrels lasted more than 3 hours per day and since she had the upper hand as she was my mum, I was constantly in a state of panic and fear. I argued with her over the smallest things as I was tired of her. Moreover, my mother's moods were erratic and she tried to find fault with me over everything.
My mother also constantly called me a whore with high sexual gratification needs in the presence of all my relatives. She said that I should be fucking with guys instead of studying. She also asked me why I wasn't dead yet. In public, she would slap me for no apparent reason and cause everyone to stare at me. She would create scenes by screaming at me. I remembered the crowd staring when she yelled at me to get knocked down by a car. I mean- i cant help it if no cars went to take my life away. I tried not to look at the traffic but it never works.
I grew terribly insecure and met a guy online in the hope of a relationship. I was from a girls' school and I didn't know any guys. I made out with him and he touched me all over. Then, i went home in tears, thinking that I had made my mother's wish come true. I broke up with him thereafter. But the guy had gone crazy for me. He was obsessed with me. He said that I was everything that he wanted. I became his reason for living. He stalked my every movement and terrified me.
That guy committed suicide as he had lost his reason for living.
My mother is desperate to engage me with a man, so that she doesnt have to care for me anymore