I know I'm stepping on a landmine here, but I'm being serious. I was a middle class white kid growing up in the suburbs and was not racist at all (I even voted for Obama based on his eloquence and policies, not because of the color of his skin). Since going to college in a school near an "inner city" part of town and living there I find myself having racist thoughts that would never have crossed my mind before. In one year living in the city my car was broken into and robbed by blacks (security footage), my car was also in a hit and run accident that was the fault of a black person riding a 4-wheeler on the city streets who I made eye contact with before he ran from the scene. A black person attempted to assault me after I told him I didn't have any money to give him. I've beem called "whitie and "cracker" minding my own business on the subway and not talking to anyone (judging by how outnumbered I was I don't think I would have made it out alive using the "N" word by contrast but thats the obvious double standard). Every time I drive by the city wellfare office and see the gigantic line on a weekday while I drive to my minimum wage job in the car that I can't afford to repair since I couldn't afford full coverage and the guy ran from the scene of the accident. I can't help having these thoughts about racism that I don't like that I'm having. When I entered this city I believe that I was equal to everyone else until they give me a bonafide reason to think otherwise. I can't help but feel lile the black people in this town in the Northeast US instantly judge me because I'm white and are often times more racist than any white person I personally know, but nobody can call them out on this because then I would be the racist. Even in the grocery store I've nearly seen people almost trip over themselves trying to beat me to the checkout line while I'm carrying 2 items, and then let their own people ahead of them just to stick it to "the man" one more time. Nowadays I can't stand the street talk, I used to listen to rap occasionally, but not anymore it just makes me angry. I hate the whole "In your face you owe me for the stuff your great great grandparents may or may not have done" attitude. I hate watching the drug dealer cut people off in traffic and cause unsafe situations with his blasting music and 20" rims while his destitute victims are sleeping on grates all over the city in front of row homes that used to be beautiful european immigrant neighborhoods, I hate the noise and the disregard for anyone outside his or her own bubble, but I've ranted enough already.
The bottom line is I don't like the person I'm turning into. I'm shocked by my own thoughts sometimes that I never would have had a year ago. I still have great respect for the people who put themselves though school and work to get out of the ghetto, and I also know that all african americans don't act like this outside the city, but honestly this year has shown me that they are the minority of the minority so it's hard for me not to generalize. I just feel like I'm being forced to become this hateful person not by choice, but from what I'm subjected to on a daily basis. I don't know how to combat this and I feel myself slipping further and further from my old self. Being the minority here has shown me a little bit what it must have been like during the 60's for black people, but most of that stuff wasn't done by my generation and I still feel like I'm still being punished for it.
Please help I'm so conflicted and trying really hard to reconcile this culture shock I've had with my previous world view.
The bottom line is I don't like the person I'm turning into. I'm shocked by my own thoughts sometimes that I never would have had a year ago. I still have great respect for the people who put themselves though school and work to get out of the ghetto, and I also know that all african americans don't act like this outside the city, but honestly this year has shown me that they are the minority of the minority so it's hard for me not to generalize. I just feel like I'm being forced to become this hateful person not by choice, but from what I'm subjected to on a daily basis. I don't know how to combat this and I feel myself slipping further and further from my old self. Being the minority here has shown me a little bit what it must have been like during the 60's for black people, but most of that stuff wasn't done by my generation and I still feel like I'm still being punished for it.
Please help I'm so conflicted and trying really hard to reconcile this culture shock I've had with my previous world view.