How did a bicycle get up my butt and why am I in Texas?

[Master of time and space]

Please help, my butt hurts and i don't know how to get back to Vermont.
PS:, for some reason their is a radio telescope in my colon. Funniest explanation gets the win.

 

[panzer103]

you think Texas is bad try living in nowheresville Nebraska! I don't think there is a sh!tter state then NE- for anything. Heck we aren't even that good with College football. As for whats up your butt, thats between you and your proctologist.

 

[Bob A]

You are not in Texas anymore.

 

[McG]

This question puts new meaning to the term "scope". You must be over 50 and the doctor needed the closest look possible.