How could I improve my blurb?

M

MetBySunlight

New member
The music can be heard in the distance; ten men sitting on sofas, ten men talking, planning, listening, and waiting. The time will always be right, but they're waiting for it to be perfect; before the boat leaves, but also after, not wanting to make a profile until it hits twelve, planning something far off from the teenagers' original plans. There are more of them, spread out in the darkness of their homes, doing the same. At last they can draw out the finishing touches of their plan as these men have been excluded from the country for several years, only needed for produce.
More than sixty teenagers are having a good time, partying and totally unaware of what's going to turn their day into a suffering night. Naivety is their best skill as they trespass over the island, entering places they shouldn't.
The ten men laugh, smoking the last of their cigarette, drinking the last gulp of beer and get their tools ready, heading off into the night.
 
I like the style, but there's points when I don't know what you're talking about. The sentence: "before the boat leaves, but also after, not wanting to make a profile until it hits twelve, planning something far off from the teenagers' original plans" strikes me as quite confusing. Who are these teenagers you're suddenly introducing, and what do you mean by "make a profile"? Until what "hits twelve"? What boat is leaving and why? I can deal with some uncertainty, but this sentence just doesn't make a shred of sense to me. The other thing that confuses me is that you say "there are more them." Who's "them"? Teenagers? Men sitting on sofas? And what do you mean they've been "excluded from the country"? What country? The States?

You have a stream of consciousness vibe going here, but you have to make sure that what's happening is clear.
 
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