YOU MAKE ME _______
New member
I KNOW this is long but please, please bear with me. I really feel lost and no one is willing to give me a decent answer.
First of all, I WAS molested growing up. My boyfriend knows this, and he tries his hardest to make me comfortable and never pressures me into doing anything I don't want to. He's very respectful of my boundaries and has never blamed me for this.
I want to be intimate with him, I just can't. Or rather, I can but I feel bad about myself and can't enjoy it. It makes me feel awful when I tell him no because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I feel like I'm lying if we do anything intimate and I don't say anything. I don't want to pretend I enjoy it, even though I really, really wish I could enjoy it. It's nothing about him that makes me uncomfortable. He's very gentle and takes everything slow. Most of the few times we have ever been intimate, I had to tell him to stop because I felt so uncomfortable and ashamed. I feel bad about myself for even being attracted to him, even though I know it's ok and completely normal. I feel like something nasty and trashy and often times I get upset and cry because I feel this way, and also because I can't be intimate with him when I really want to.
I am terrified of hurting him. He has done nothing but be gentle and loving and understanding. He says it's ok if I feel bad and that he understands if I don't want to share myself with him. He says it's not my fault and that I have nothing to apologize for, but I feel awful for not being comfortable expressing myself with him.
I know that he really, really wants to do intimate things with me, and I really, really want to do intimate things with him. But every time I do I feel ashamed of myself. A few nights ago was the first time I was ever topless with him, and I felt like my mind shut down and I just became numb. I also had this really sickening sensation that I was going to pass out. I wanted him to enjoy it, and I acted like nothing was wrong, but later I cried and felt like such a liar and a wh_re. When I told him how I felt, he got upset and told me I should have told him and he would have stopped and now I think he blames himself for making me feel that way.
If anyone has ever been in this situation, how did you fix it? I don't want to feel this way anymore and I would rather hurt myself a thousand times over than hurt him.
NOTE: I'm not talking about having sex, as in intercourse or whatever. I'm talking about intimacy in general (kissing, petting, stroking, cuddling, etc.) And this isn't another one of those "am I ready to have sex yet?" questions. I am 19 and he is 22.
First of all, I WAS molested growing up. My boyfriend knows this, and he tries his hardest to make me comfortable and never pressures me into doing anything I don't want to. He's very respectful of my boundaries and has never blamed me for this.
I want to be intimate with him, I just can't. Or rather, I can but I feel bad about myself and can't enjoy it. It makes me feel awful when I tell him no because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I feel like I'm lying if we do anything intimate and I don't say anything. I don't want to pretend I enjoy it, even though I really, really wish I could enjoy it. It's nothing about him that makes me uncomfortable. He's very gentle and takes everything slow. Most of the few times we have ever been intimate, I had to tell him to stop because I felt so uncomfortable and ashamed. I feel bad about myself for even being attracted to him, even though I know it's ok and completely normal. I feel like something nasty and trashy and often times I get upset and cry because I feel this way, and also because I can't be intimate with him when I really want to.
I am terrified of hurting him. He has done nothing but be gentle and loving and understanding. He says it's ok if I feel bad and that he understands if I don't want to share myself with him. He says it's not my fault and that I have nothing to apologize for, but I feel awful for not being comfortable expressing myself with him.
I know that he really, really wants to do intimate things with me, and I really, really want to do intimate things with him. But every time I do I feel ashamed of myself. A few nights ago was the first time I was ever topless with him, and I felt like my mind shut down and I just became numb. I also had this really sickening sensation that I was going to pass out. I wanted him to enjoy it, and I acted like nothing was wrong, but later I cried and felt like such a liar and a wh_re. When I told him how I felt, he got upset and told me I should have told him and he would have stopped and now I think he blames himself for making me feel that way.
If anyone has ever been in this situation, how did you fix it? I don't want to feel this way anymore and I would rather hurt myself a thousand times over than hurt him.
NOTE: I'm not talking about having sex, as in intercourse or whatever. I'm talking about intimacy in general (kissing, petting, stroking, cuddling, etc.) And this isn't another one of those "am I ready to have sex yet?" questions. I am 19 and he is 22.