Supportive And Honest
New member
I have a hard time not being judgmental about men with regards to how butch they are (including myself). I guess the bottom line is I get uncomfortable when I'm exposed to effeminate men. Or if I meet a gay man who is particularly butch, I seem to give them "bonus points" in my head.
I feel like this is probably reflective of a character flaw I have, but I don't know how to fix it. How do I learn to appreciate people for who they are, and not how well they fit into my expectations?
Or is there a different way to think about this problem?
Raistlin: I think less of butch women
and re: character/worth - intellectually I get that, but emotionally I am having a hard time integrating that worldview.
Goldwing: I actually don't stop myself from being friends with "queens." In the past, I have sometimes "challenged" myself to be friends with someone really flamboyant. Which has let to some great friendships, BUT 1. I still am 'forcing' myself, 2. I still feel awkward in public with them.
I realize this is MY FLAW, and not theirs, but I don't know how to change the feeling in my gut. (also, I am sure I have lost friendships for both rational and irrational reasons too)
Dragon: I feel like you see where I am coming from.
I just feel like there is some way to 'solve' this problem I have, besides repeating "mannerisms don't equal value." I fully admit that I may be a shallow horrible person. And I admit I want to fix it.
--
Recently I went to a panel discussion that had 2 lesbians and 2 gay men. One gay guy was kind of a bear, and one was like an old school super "queen." I even made a comment before hand to my friend about how gay that guy was.
So of course I ate crow at the end of the panel, because the "queeny" guy was the absolute star of the panel, and the bear was probably the most useless.
Later I bumped into the all-star and told him how great he was on the panel. I feel like I would love to be his friend in real life.
At any rate, I am going to leave this open a little bit longer in hopes that some "paradigm-shifting" advice shows up. I don't like feeling like a jerk And I'm judgmental about a lot of things, not just this. Working real hard to change, but I kind of need someone to knock some sense into me, instead of just saying "change! change!"
(Not that anyone here is simply saying "change, change"). It's just funny, because some things I can be super supportive about, and some things I'm a total jerk. But this has been my year of epiphanies so far, and I'm trying to pack in as many as I can. I just typically need someone else to say the right thing that clicks my gears into place vs me being able to figure it out on my own.
(talk too much yet? insomnia)
I feel like this is probably reflective of a character flaw I have, but I don't know how to fix it. How do I learn to appreciate people for who they are, and not how well they fit into my expectations?
Or is there a different way to think about this problem?
Raistlin: I think less of butch women
and re: character/worth - intellectually I get that, but emotionally I am having a hard time integrating that worldview.Goldwing: I actually don't stop myself from being friends with "queens." In the past, I have sometimes "challenged" myself to be friends with someone really flamboyant. Which has let to some great friendships, BUT 1. I still am 'forcing' myself, 2. I still feel awkward in public with them.
I realize this is MY FLAW, and not theirs, but I don't know how to change the feeling in my gut. (also, I am sure I have lost friendships for both rational and irrational reasons too)
Dragon: I feel like you see where I am coming from.
I just feel like there is some way to 'solve' this problem I have, besides repeating "mannerisms don't equal value." I fully admit that I may be a shallow horrible person. And I admit I want to fix it.
--
Recently I went to a panel discussion that had 2 lesbians and 2 gay men. One gay guy was kind of a bear, and one was like an old school super "queen." I even made a comment before hand to my friend about how gay that guy was.
So of course I ate crow at the end of the panel, because the "queeny" guy was the absolute star of the panel, and the bear was probably the most useless.
Later I bumped into the all-star and told him how great he was on the panel. I feel like I would love to be his friend in real life.
At any rate, I am going to leave this open a little bit longer in hopes that some "paradigm-shifting" advice shows up. I don't like feeling like a jerk
And I'm judgmental about a lot of things, not just this. Working real hard to change, but I kind of need someone to knock some sense into me, instead of just saying "change! change!"(Not that anyone here is simply saying "change, change"). It's just funny, because some things I can be super supportive about, and some things I'm a total jerk. But this has been my year of epiphanies so far, and I'm trying to pack in as many as I can. I just typically need someone else to say the right thing that clicks my gears into place vs me being able to figure it out on my own.
(talk too much yet? insomnia)