how can i make this sound interesting?

[Tyshaun R]

"Now on the other thing" Sin said, throwing his arm around his partner's neck and walking up. "When our re-up gone be here". Sin could feel the girls glued to him and he was loving every glance and glare that was directed at him. Why wouldn't the chicks look at the 23 year old. He was handsome and the biggest drug boss in New York City. Maybe the reason they were looking at him was because of his appearance. Sin was a five foot six boss who demanded and earned respect. His eyes were brown and in the shape of almonds. He rocked a white-tee shirt that had MONEY MAKIN SIN in front in spray-painted letters and DON'T DO DRUGS in the same letters in the back. He wore exclusive Gucci shorts that were specially made for him by Dapper Dan himself and a pair of $2,500 Gucci slippers. More than likely it wasn't his $5,000 oufit but maybe the huge gold and diamond medallion chain inscribed with the words, "The World Is Mine," in diamonds and rubies.

 

[Holly M]

(Maybe the reason they were looking at him was because of his appearance.) Take this out.
This whole paragraph reads like a catalog of his apparel.
Try putting his actions in, and then add some details of his appearance. His almond shaped eyes warmed at the glances the chicks sent his way. He fingered his gold and diamond medallion letting the inscription flash out. "The World is Mine." And it was. He might be only five six, but he was the biggest drug boss in NYC.

"Now on the other thing" Sin said, throwing his arm around his partner's neck. If he has to walk up, he should do that first, he can't get his arm there until the rest of him arrives. Also the girls couldn't be glued to him, because he's walking with his partner. Did you mean that their eyes were glued?
Maybe you need to read this aloud into a recorder and then replay it and listen for missing words and awkward phrasing. Also try to get the motions in sequence.
Good luck, writing is hard work, but worth the effort.

 

[Mill]

Your punctuation is terrible, first off. A five foot six boss is pretty short even for a drug boss. He must always be a handsome ladies-man drug boss. He his a cool dude right??Cool name "Sin". Second sentence needs help "When our re-up gone be here" I think what you mean is, when is our re-up gonna be here?? Re-up meaning talk to the boss or ask boss for money? etc... As for the "bling" you have described, lose it. Quality writing speaks for itself and it explains more in less words. It is obvious this is amateur writing. My advice is to read some books and study the art of the written word. Good Luck!!!