how bad is this poem thing i just wrote?

S

Spartan 19

New member
Angel

You come into the room
Smile brighter than those fluorescent lights.
Warmth feels me from somewhere deep inside
As I see your glowing face.
I feel my dark mood lighten
While you sit near close to me.
The mood lightens into dark
As unwanted emotions rise up.
What monster of beauty is there
That causes the unwanted monster of filth,
To be so unhappily happy, so happily unhappy?
One word describes the beautiful ugliness that you are
The thing I love, the thing I hate, an evilly good Angel.
this is written by a high school kid, supposed to be in an area in school, hence flourescent lights. i mean to be writing that this girl i like is some one i dont want to like, but just do. and i am kinda a loner so....yeah
 
you know what dont listen to that person that commented on you first apparently they dont know nothing about poetry!!!!!!!! it was beautiful
 
umm... well, it's kinda confusing. did you mean to say "FILLS me with warmth" on the 3rd line? and there's something kinda awkward about saying her smile is "brighter than florescent lights". Maybe "than the brightest star in the sky" or "than the sun" would be better than a light bulb that saves energy. And it might not be the best thing to say that she is "beautiful UGLINESS". That might not really sound the way you think it does. So maybe you could change some of that, but for the most part it's good. Take it from an actual girl:).
 
no, it's really good ... it reflects how u feel which is all that matters really..
it's the whole point of poetry ..
but if u want to imporve it i think it needs to flow better ..idk
 
To be honest, I was a little bored when reading the first 6 lines. Not that they're terrible or anything. They're just things that a /lot/ of people have said before (though not necessarily the fluorescent lights smile).
I really like the sentence 'the mood lightens into dark'. Once I read that, I was interested and it got more interesting as I read on. I was so surprised at how it turned out, I laughed aloud.

So. My advice: Work on the first 6 lines. Perhaps you could start with
"Smile brighter than fluorescent lights"?

I'm really glad I read that. Good luck with the editing =)
 
good job, just dont rip off of someone else cuz if its for a girl and she sees it in person you might look guilty of plageizing, good thought.
 
Back
Top