hi!! Please judge my poem...?

S

Sakura Drops

New member
Hi! I'm really an amateur in making poems...
This poem I made is supposed for our literature class.
I really need your help.. I'm not sure is this poem is lovely or if it has errors. I badly need your help.. You have my thanks in advance...


A poem by a luckless friend

The secrecy in her heart
I cannot understand
Is she broken apart?
Can contentment give her a hand?

Acting as innocent as possible
That is her devilish scheme
She tries to be so lovable
When I thought we were a team

The man I lay my eyes on
The man she always gets
By her hypnotizing coquettes, she thought she have won
She didn't know it's her soul she bets

When I thought she was a sheep
She turned out to be a fox
Her bootless pretense are deep
Yet she tries to hide it in a box

That box brings shiver
That box is cold
Her attitude will never leave her
And stay in her heart until she grows old

Why do I have a friend like her
She, who enjoys to steal the interests of mine?
She snatches every man by her blinding power
and she'll never realize she've crossed the line

If you want to.. please try to edit it...
The first lines seems fine but as the poem stretches to the end.. it becomes unpleasant.. maybe it's because of the hatred I have to this person... but anyway.. please... by all means... try to help me.. you have my thanks!!
 
It is really good for a beginner like you it kinda explain all your feelings and emotions towards that person and it seems to be true too i think cause its too detailed to get confused and your points are right and straight forward too saying"Get out of my life"...well i like it it was good you can improve and write better poetry later i will wait!!!!....Good Luck....
 
There are a few mistakes I think such as v3 line 3 that should either be "she had won" or "she thinks she has won" and the last line in the last verse should be I think "she's" and not "she've". Some good points to the poem I like your use of personification of contentment in v1 although rather unusual and the imagery of the box and the comparisons with the sheep and fox are good. The rhythym in the first half of the poem is ok but then seems to fall apart in the second half. I don't like v3 lines 3 and 4 much at all and you keep changing tense from past to present v3 line 4 might be better if simpler ie just "It's her soul she bets" and line 3 needs to be drastically shortened somehow.I don't think rhyme is old fashioned at all and actually serves to bind a poem together if done well. I prefer poems that rhyme and I think this poem shows potential - keep it up.
 
Don't try to force the rhyme scheme because the rhythm is more important. rhyme is a bit old fashioned these days.
 
i like it :3 its awesome cuz its got ggreat rhymeness and it has an awesomepoint to it not just random words ! awesome poem :)
 
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