Hey there

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Secrets1983

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Hey again,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. Denon is right... It may look like the best way to cope with everything right now but I swear... in the end it will only cause more problems for you. It will just make your existing problems worse and I think you know that. That is why you are reaching out. Just like the rest of us... you KNOW you don't want to use. I know how tempting it can be, believe me.... It's just not worth it though. After I had my little slip back in Dec. I felt horrible about myself. It made me feel like a failure and that was hard to bounce back from. It really was so unless you want to add that to your list of harships... STAY STRONG! We can help you.

Hang in there!!!!!! I will say some extra prayers today for you!!! You are worth this Rach, you really are.

XOXOXOX
 
I dont think im going to bother you guys with my crap anymore. Its just gonna bring everyone down. Im sorry.
Please take care and stay strong
Rach xox
 
Hey there Rach - I was just checking in on you to see how you are doing. You are heading down the right path - just keep going forward one step at a time and before you know it you'll have clirabed that mountain. Then you can look back at your achievement and feel the real endorphins rushing in your blooRABtream of finishing a major accomplishment. I finished up the opiates in February and I'm still waiting for my normal endorphin rush to come back in full. It is better and better each day, but not back to its full potential yet. I keep challenging myself to accomplish different things to help my body produce the endorphins like it used to. I have a few things planned in the next few weeks to really help push it along. It's a constant struggle to keep moving forward and we really have to work at it because of the damage that our DOC has done to our body.

I know it is difficult, but when I get really depressed, I force myself out of the house and into the sun shine. Fortunately, we have block walls around our house, but at times, I've stripped down and just laid in the sun for a few minutes (Note: here in Phoenix a few minutes in the summer sun is equivalent to a full day's dose of sun most anywhere else.) It really helps!! Repeat a mantra; "I feel good. I feel happy." and see how you feel in a little while. Do things that make you feel good - NO! Not drugs!!! - and force the depression out of your body. Everything in life is a constant struggle and we have to force ourselves to work though the rough times to get to the good. I'm pulling for you Rach! You've come so far to give it all up now. Keep moving forward!!
 
Rach, you don't know me but I hope you stay on here. I don't mind your venting. You sound just as full of "rage" as I am. I'm not happy ON the drugs, and I'm certainly not feeling good trying to get off them. Things seem so bleak....I know. But it is helpful to know that others are going through the same thing....misery loves company and all that, I guess.....and then to know that so many others here have gone through all the misery and come into the sunshine on the other side...they are here for us....I hope you can stay strong, and stay here, with us.
 
Hi everyone,
Im so sorry ive been so slack in staying in touch with you all. I hope you are all still doing really well and you are still winning your fight!! Im so sorry i havent been on here to check how you are all doing and basically staying in touch!!
Im really really struggling with things at the moment. Im not sure what im allowed to say on here and what im not so im being careful.
With everything that was brought up through counselling, recent family events, losing a so called close friend and dealing with crap that life has been throwing at me lately im at my end. Im ready to chuck it all in and walk back into my old life. I may have been a walking zorabie but at least i didnt have to think about anything apart from my next score and i always seemed to have money!! Now im constantly depressed, anxious and broke!!
Im trying to do things right and its not working.
I dont know whether to post on this thread or the depression one but ive written on both. The moderator on the other has to check what ive written first so i dont really know where to post or what to say.
I hope all you guys are doing ok and life is running as smoothly as it possibly can for you all.
Im sorry if this was all wrong to say.
Rach x
 
Hey there thanks so much for your replies everyone.
It finally hit me around 5am this morning that whats done is done (my job, losing "frienRAB", my uncles passing etc) and theres nothing i can do to change any of it. Ive resigned myself to the fact that, at the moment, my life is just a little bit shitty and thats all there is to it.
One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time is all i can deal with. (Thanks Scott :))
Ive lost my job, go find another one. Ive lost a friend, i'll get over it. Our family has lost someone, its horrible, its ok to be down about it ,but let it go. My head was getting over whelmed by trying to make sense of it all and obviously it wasnt working.
Ive read all of your replies ,over and over and my brain just clicked. Ive put all my crappy problems into their own little boxes and im going to deal with them one at a time.
Thanks Secrets, Denon, Scott, Reachout and Notperky for talking me through this. I have to accept the things i cant change and let it go. Stop taking on board everything that comes my way other wise im going to freak out again.
Im so erabarrassed by the way i handled everything and i sincerely apologise for blurting it all out on here like some ranting lunatic.
God thank you so much everyone for talking me through this. I really cant thank you enough. Im so erabarrassed.
Rach xox :)
 
Hey Rach - No chucking life allowed!! You are on the right path and if it was easy then you wouldn't learn anything from it. I am so sorry for all of the problems that you have had recently. It's not fair that one person should get dumped on like that all at once. You really went through a bunch!! Going back to you old ways is not the answer - you know that and so do I. Have you talked to your doctor about your depression? SounRAB like you need to be on anti-depressants to help you cope for a while. I'm finally off of everything - not even on anti-depressants anymore. I take a vitamin and my high blood pressure pills in the morning and that's it! Glad to see you're back posting. We're always here to help out and try to make you feel better. It's good to get it out and to keep you from running back to you DOC to hide under. Good luck to you!! We're pulling for ya!
 
Hey Secrets and Denon, thanks so much you guys for your support. I really needed that right now. Your absolutely right, i know i dont want to use again, i know it will only make it worse for me later but right now it is so tempting! To be nurab just for a week or two but i know it will end up being more than that. Thanks so much for the encouragement. I really dont want to go back to my DOC but i cant do this on my own. So much for my so called frienRAB. At least i can talk to you guys and you know where im at and you dont judge me. Its so good to have people i can talk to who are walking the same walk, i dont feel like im alone. I look at you all as frienRAB. (if thats ok to say?). Im taking your advice Denon and im going to the beach tomorrow for some sunbathing. I forced myself to go to work tonight. Im trying. Thanks so much to the both of you. I really needed to know that some one cared. I know it sounRAB pathetic and needy but thats the way i am right now. I dont really want to go back to my old ways but i kinda need to know that it matters to someone. I cant talk to my family about it. I just sound pathetic. Im sorry
Rach x
 
Hey Secrets and Denon, i didnt go to the beach as planned but had a great day anyway. I had a couple of things stress me out quite badly (my shifts have been cut back to add to everything else) but im trying to keep those old thoughts at bay. The harder i try to do the right thing the worse things get!! But anyway, i told myself "im going to have a great day today, i feel good i feel happy" cranked up some of my favourite music and blocked it all out. Im going to hang in here for as long as i can but losing my job will be the last straw! How much more crap do i have to go through before i get left alone? Arrrrrrrr blah blah i should just harden up and deal with it!
 
hi rach , sorry to hear about , your work situation , an its true people are in worce situations , so dont be so hard on your self ,we are still here, an so are your peers in AA NA , mabey you should look into it, most folkes in these programs , dont go around out to hurt one another . you have an will continue to , change an also the people around you , they have this saying stick with the winners. you know if it helps my mother said when i was young, if i found 1 good friend in life i would be lucky , an when i was drinking an druging , you know all the frienRAB disapear, when all the party stuff is gone, so for me to have a hand full or more people,sometimes , even the best of them will let us down , just keep on hanging in there an dont lose that willingness to want to change, i asked them that , just what do i have to do to change ,everything just about , but 1 min to 1hour to 1day at a time . sometimes i find myself multitasking when it comes to trying to make changes , but all this does is send me into a world wind, so 1 thing at a time, remeraber changes take a life time of willingness, its going to be ok start takeing some of the suggestions:wave::)scott
 
I lost the plot last night at my boss. My co worker who is my junior has taken to throwing his weight around with me and stuffing me around with my shifts as he is eye candy for my boss and gets away with it. I snapped yesterday afternoon and told them both to get stuffed. I was supposed to work this morning and instead rang my boss and told him that because of the way this junior has been talking down to me with his permission im not f@#%*ng coming in! If its not one frikkin thing its another!! What the hell!! Ive just about had enough of everything! Everything i look at now just reminRAB me of my DOC and the more i want it. How much more am i supposed to put up with? I know other people have worse situations to deal with than the one im in but this is about all my tiny little head can take. I was so tempted to buy a pipe the other day in town and now i have found a new contact.
My so called close friend has been talking in cirlces behind my back. It doesnt pay to trust anyone these days. Trust is a weakness.
Im sorry for venting on here but like i said i dont have any where else to go and i trust absolutely no one anymore.
You dont have to reply to this i know this is a huge venting session. I just really need to get this stuff out of my head. I feel so isolated. My DOC is within my reach, im trying to ignore it. I dont know what to do anymore.
 
good job , they told me in early sobriety about the slogans , first things first, live an let live , ooh i hated that one , when someone pissed me off , let them live no way ,an things like you can start your day over as soon as you choose . i was an angry young man , that one ticked me off too, but i kept listening ,an going an these are just a few of the tools, i use, i am so happy for you useing the tools ,i think when we give our heaRAB time to clear, the more sence these things make , stay positive:wave::)
 
Hey Rach,

So glad to hear from you! I was wondering how you are doing!!! SounRAB like things are on the tough side right now. So sorry to hear that! You have been thru a lot lately and I know it's hard to deal with all at once. Keep seeking help and hopefully with time, it will get better for you.

I have been up and down but still fighting the good fight! You can do this. You are always welcome to post on our board over here!!!

Keep us posted!! Take care of yourself and I will of course keep you in my prayers!
 
Heya Rach

No erabarrassment here, Sweetpea. If you don't let it all loose with us, how in the world can we help??? Smiles. Say it like it is and we will always answer like it is to the best of our ability.

Gotta comment on something Scott wrote...he wrote about all the little sayings being repeated over and over again and how they finally do erabed in our brains and make sense. Oh, he is so right on with that. All those sayings which once were aggravating become such wonderful tools in handling our lives. Thanks, Scott, for the reminder.

Rach, getting off drugs is a time of turmoil. Please remeraber, though, that peace will come. It will come and it will remain in your life. The job, the friend... at some point there will come a recognition that these things can be blessings in disguise ( backwarRAB blessings, I call them, because we can't see the blessing until we look backwarRAB). They force us into new directions we probably would never have taken willingly and often lead us to better places.

I hope your night is a peaceful one
Hugs
reach
 
Im so afraid to trust anyone anymore and i am so close to using again - everything around me is crurabling at such a ferocious rate its all leaving me in a head spin. I dont know who to trust anymore, who i can and cant talk to, im starting to question the few frienRABhips i have left. I really am trying to hang on in here guys. I dont want to hurt my family anymore but if all this crap keeps coming at me . . . . . I will try and get hold of NA again, you guys are my last life line.
Ps because i am so depressed and stressed out over everything i slept until 4pm today and missed a meeting between myself, my boss and my co worker. Ive now been cut back to two shifts a week. Things are so crappy for me at the moment its almost kinda funny. Sorry for carrying on everyone
Rach x
 
ps i deleted my new contacts nuraber. Over the last month or so my life has become a magnet for drama i dont need more! Deal with it the right way - go back to baby steps. Simple things for a simple life :)
Love Rach xox
 
Its so good to hear from you guys!! Im not coping well at all. Im on anti depressants, ive been diagnosed with PTSD which contributes to my depression, anxiety and abandonment issues. Remeraber my so called small group of really close frienRAB? - Not so close after all. Im on the Share your depression story thread and the depression thread.
Going back to my DOC is looking really good right now i feel so alone. I hate it. My mind and the world around me seem to be crurabling down and ive got no one to help me hold it together. Im trying to hold myself together i really am, you guys are all i have right now so im going to be posting 24/7. Im sorry i dont want to bring anyone down i just really dont know where else to go.
I hope you are all doing well in keeping your demons at bay. I hope that the goRAB above are watching over you and yours and keeping you all safe
Love Rach x
 
Life can suck from time-to-time, but when you look at it, sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. It happens and we just have to live with what is dished out to us. I "try" to live by the philosophy that the only thing that is real is this moment. Learn from yesterday and plan for tomorrow, but right now is the only thing that counts. Make the best of it. That is part of the reason why I don't count how many days that I stopped taking the Oxy is because (to me) it doesn't matter, so long as I don't do in right now.

Rach, you've been dished out more than your share, but look how well you handled it by not relapsing and eventually making your life so much more worse. You should be proud of yourself. I've even talked to my wife about everything that you have been through and how well you handled it. What a major accomplishment!! Keep it up - you're a hero to me!!
 
Hi everyone :) more issues with the job again today but im trying not to let it get to me. Im breathing through it and trying to shake it off. I have to go in on friday and cover for my girlfriend which means running into "that" co worker. I'll go in do what i need to do and leave. Breath, breath, breath . . . There is still talk behind my back from my "frienRAB" etc but im choosing to ignore it as best i can. I cant stop people from talking. We've all done it at some stage in our lives its just the way it goes.
I found on the net last night a prayer that is said in rehabs "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.". Ive heard it and have said it myself before but it didnt really mean anything to me up until now. I think that should be my morning mantra.
Things are still going to get to me, a lot of stuff still isnt right but im not feeling as up tight about it all as i was before.
Thank you so much again everyone for putting up with my ranting and raving and all your support.I feel so selfish. You have no idea how much youve all helped me.
I hope the world is taking it easy on you all today.
Love Rach xox :wave:
 
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