Hey everyone, I'm back!! :)

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emsmom

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Hello everyone,

I know its been awhile since I've posted but I've been rather busy these days. I go to NA meetings every day, have a sponsor and feel great :) I can't believe how quickly I got back to "normal." I assumed it would take about a year cause thats what alot of people told me, but I feel absolutely wonderful. I enjoy spending time with my kiRAB again, my hubby and I fell in love all over again :) Life is great!

A few weeks after Rehab, I had a relapse (early Septeraber). I was taking Tramadol (300mg time-release capsules) and found a way to increase the effects. Unfortunately, I was only three weeks out of Rehab, still craving pills, so I had a moment of weakness and decided to "just do it this one time." I abused it for five days (taking about 1500mg - the maximum daily dose is 300mg), then had a seizure. I had no idea seizures were a side-effect of taking too much.

I was driving downtown to meet up with my sponsor for lunch on a Saturday. The last thing I remeraber...I'm driving along Queen Street here in Toronto...next thing I know, I'm waking up in an arabulance - the Paramedic told me I had a seizure. A pedestrian saw me convulsing in my car and called 911.

I had my license suspended for 12 months because of the seizure. I have to be seizure-free for a year before I can get it back. Now, my doctor told me I can fight it, because the seizure was caused my medication I am no longer taking. Well, I decided not to fight it, take the suspension and thank my lucky stars/God that no one was hurt.

Here's my other problem. I am having SO much guilt regarding my little girls (ages 3 and 6). I keep thinking "What if they were in the car with me?" I can't seem to get over all the "what if's" :(

What if I had taken the highway that day? Well, I'd be dead for sure!

I am thankful for the fact that I was at a red light when I fell unconscious cause I may have hit another car or a person. I was driving my hubby's car which is 5-speed manual transmission, so when I fell unconscious, my foot would have come off the clutch and the car would have stalled. I am thankful I was driving hubby's car cause if I was driving my truck, my foot would have come off the brake and my truck would have started moving - moving into oncoming traffic, or even worse, a pedestrian. I am thankful my girls weren't in the car with me that day. I am thankful I didn't take the highway (as I'm an impatient person, and never take Queen Street to get downtown, traffic is horrible) - I was feeling good that day and decided to take it so I could see all the shops along Queen Street. I didn't know that decision probably saved my life. I am thankful I was not patient that day.

I just need some help with the "what if's?" I am feeling so much guilt lately that its starting to make me feel a bit depressed about it all.

I do feel great, regarding my recovery - there's just this little problem I have to figure out as I don't want it to effect the progress I've made so far. If anyone has any suggestions how I can deal with this guilt, I'd appreciate your input.

Also, how is everyone doing? I'd love to hear from you all.

Love emsmom
 
Welcome back! I don't post much but I read everyone's post. You can not dwell on the "what if's". Your daughter's were not in the car. What happened is what happened. You can move on. You are right about thinking about the positives. You can also flip the "what if's" around. What if the day you decided to stay home instead of doing an errand in the city was the day that there was a huge pileup on the highway that you may have been involved in. You just learn to make smart choices and go on living. I am glad you were ok from the seizure and you see to be doing well in your recovery! I wish you continued success!
 
Look how far you have come :)!!!!!!!! You are human...I too have a similar guilt issue re alcohol/kiRAB that happened 13 yrs ago! Just one incident.....I drove when I clearly should not have....nothing happened but it's the wrong decision that guilts us right????

Part of recovery is relapse...part of life is making mistakes. Don't be hard on yourself...forgive yourself.

Marsha
 
GMAN, thank you for such kind worRAB :) I haven't had a chance to read your story, but I hope you're having a good day :)

Sincerely,
emsmom
 
Welcome back!

I was kind of a lurker when you were last on here.. I now am a big blabber mouth!! hahaha

Congrats on all of your success! I really think like the others that you need to forgive yourself. Your children were not with you... The "what if" does not matter right now. You are safe, your children are and you need to just be thankful for that. I think in order to recover (i am not expert) a person neeRAB to forgive yourself otherwise we will continue to focus on the negative. That is just what I know about myself though. It sounRAB to me like you are an AMAZING mother.. here is why I think that.. because you had enough courage to GO TO REHAB so that you could be the Mother you wanted to be.. I am sure that was no easy step.. i can not even begin to imagine... You and your husband have fallen in love all over again and that must mean that you are easy to be loved... I know I techinically don't know you but it sounRAB to me like you are a strong courageous woman and have a lot to be proud of.. We all make mistakes, give yourself a break and enjoy that new life you have!!!!!!!!!!

I look forward to getting to know you better!
~Secrets
 
Hey Emsmom, I am so glad you are back!

I don't think there is a person on this board that doesn't have the "what if's".
I'm a firm believer in destiny. Things, both good and bad, happen for a reason.
How about this what if: What if your seizure never happened? Think about it.
Would you have continued abusing the Tramadol? After all you have gone through to get clean. That happened for a reason. It was your wake up call.

Now, think about the good ones. What if you never met your husband? You
would not have those beautiful daughters you love so much. Both of my daughters were conceived by accident. When I got pregnant with my first, my husband and I were quite the partyer's, drinking alot and doing crank. Well that came to a screeching halt when I got pregnant. After 7 yrs of being engaged but not having the gumption to plan a wedding, we got married at the court house. We raised to incredible daughters that were never planned, but are the light of my life. I have two brothers, always wanted a sister. I think God gave me 2 girls for that reason. They are my best frienRAB and incredibly, they have very high standarRAB. They hate cigarettes, drugs and would never dream of driving drunk - all things I did at their age.

Enjoy your daughters and your husband and forget about the guilt. What's done is done and you have a new and sober life to get on with. :)

Best wishes, Emsmom, and welcome back.

Love,

JB
 
First of all - Happy Thanksgiving to all my American frienRAB :)

Hiya Secrets,

Its nice to meet you :) I've been lurking for the past few weeks and must commend you. You write such inspiring, loving posts to people. You are so helpful!

Yes, Rehab was a huge decision. I went to be a better mother and wife - and I feel so grateful that I made that decision.

Thank you so much for your kind worRAB of encouragement. You really have a wonderful soul, Secrets, and I look forward to getting to know you better as well.

Have a great night.

Love emsmom

P.s How old are you? I'm 32, married for 10 years, 2 little girls, live in Toronto :)
 
Marsha - Thank you for your reply. "Part of recovery is relapse." I guess I just needed to accept that :)

Yoss - Nice to hear from you, hope you're doing well :)

Granny - Wow, thanks for those "What if" scenarios. I was thinking negatively about the whole situation. In Rehab, I learned how to take negative thoughts, and turn them into positive ones. Obviously, I wasn't doing that regarding the seizure. You made me realize that :)

I believe the seizure was my wake-up call - cause, yes, I probably would have continued abusing the Tramadol. Thank you.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

emsmom
 
EMS!!! I have gotten to where I just read here from time to time, but I just HAD to reply to you, girl. I am so very very very very proud and happy for you. YOU ARE DOING IT!!!! Listen, you're attending meetings, have a sponsor, and have the right attitude. There is so much gratitude in your post. Hang on to it, because that is one of the most powerful weapons in your spiritual toolbox. I know about the guilt. There were so many times that I rode around loaded with my 2 boys, and I've played the "what-if" game til I was in tears on many occasions. If God wants you to know why you were spared from the worst outcome, he'll tell you. Right now, just take it for what it is...a gift. Quit packing your bags and jumping on that guilt-trip girl. I don't know if you're working the steps or what step you are on, but my 4th and 5th ones really helped me get through a lot of it. They are scarey as hell, but worth it once you get through them.

OK, that's my 2 cents worth. Keep up the good work!

Stay Strong,
RTBD
 
Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

emsmom, thank you so very much for saying all of those sweet things about me. Seriously... everything you said just melted my heart! I truly have come to love this board and do not know what I would do with out it! The people on here have been my life line. I felt so alone until I found this board.

I really look forward to getting to know you too! I am 25 years old. Been married for 5 years to a wonderful man whom I am madly in love with. We are looking forward to starting a family. That is what keeps me driven. That is what means the most to me.. It's what is on my mind and in my heart everyday. So... hopefully after I continue to heal a little more each day... it will happen for us! We live in Minnesota where winter is setting in! I am sure it is in Toronto as well!

This year for Thanksgiving we are having our own... just the two of us.. Our families can't beleive it.. They are not upset at all but we are usually the couple that runs to 3 places in one day. This year we said.. Just US! We are both going to cook and hang out all day! Should be so fun.. Maybe baby #1 will come sooner than later!! hahahhaa

Hope you have a GREAT DAY!
~Secrets
 
Welcome home EMS.

Sweetie give yourself a break and start from today. I too have horrible guilt too but they told me in rehab that guilt is a wasted emotion. They were right we cannot change the past but we can be better today. We only have today and you have a sponsor and are working a program what a great life. I am barely on my 1st step. I too relapsed but I am back and it is beautiful. There is this guy in program who says Hi my namd is ______ and its a beautiful day cuz I have not found a reason to use today. That is my mantra. I use to hate it when he shared an said that cuz I wasn't ready to accept my addiction but today I do and it is a beautiful day. Have gratituted don't waste time on guilt it is a useless emotion. Be happy Love where you are today and more importantly stay in program it will really save your life and your family. I almost lost mine the last time and that was my biggest fear. But, they are not why I got sober I got sober cuz I didn't want to live that way anymore.

Good for you, you made a great decision to come back I am so proud of you. Keep up the great work.

Love ya,
Lori
 
RTBD,

Thank you for such kind worRAB. So great to hear from you :) I've missed everyone, but I was so busy these past few months so I didn't get a chance to post. I've been lurking, just to make sure everyone is doing well :) Just no time to write up until now. The first couple months after Rehab, I was pretty bummed out so getting to a meeting was about all I could handle. After my relapse with Tramadol and the seizure, I hit meetings hardcore! I went to at least two meetings a day for the first month (sometimes three). Slowly, I started to feel better...and now I feel GREAT! :) Its amazing how quickly I got back to my old self again. Its feels wonderful. I actually feel like the person I was "before" I ever took pills. Its awesome :)

Again, thanks for your input, it means so much, coming from you :)

Love emsmom

Lori,

Thank you for saying you're proud of me :) Those worRAB mean so much to me, I'm sure you know what I mean. I'm glad to hear you're in program as well. I'm proud of you for getting right back into those meetings after a relapse. Thats the most important thing us addicts can do for our recovery.

Nice to hear from you! Have a great day.

Love emsmom
 
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