Help me revise my newest poem?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ?Kelsey?
  • Start date Start date
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?Kelsey?

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I got bored in class today and wrote out this poem. I'm open to ideas would be greatly appreciated. Oh, especially regarding (as usual) line breaks. I'm still having trouble with those.

Photograph

Their faces stare back through their cells,
restricted by walls of film;
opaque, silken, shimmering.
Shroud them from view.
They cannot be kept in the light
or they’ll wither away, tarnished
and forgotten.
But what if, by some miracle, they survive?
Years pass. Clarity turns to cream
as age sets in.
The present becomes the past
and we sit, staring into their eyes,
trying, so desperately, to remember.

-Kelsey :]
 
hey,

Nice poem...it's a good thing to read as I head home from work.

Thanks
 
I'd work on structure, several times one sentence takes 3 lines for example.Also you don't say what is opaque,silken or shimmering is it their face or the wals?
 
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