...length.. n planning my suicide? im a 19 yr old guy, and im in love.. not a crush.. or lust but seriously in love with my 22 yr old cousin..
we were never close growning up.. we lived on opposite sides of the world until we were in high skool.. and even then we were very different people to what we are now and despised each other.. but now that were both in uni and grown up alot.. over the past 2 years we noticed we have alot in common and are best friends.
we go shoe/clothes shoppin 2gether.. we see movies 2gether then have max brenner or dinner after.. we go out to clubs 2gether on the weekends.. go to concerts.. and even going to europe 2gether nxt year.. and on occasion just chill at her house and even if were not doing that we text each others and have these long conversions with out any effort.
now heres were it gets messy.. about a month ago i started looking at my cousin in a different light.. nothing dirty or sexual.. but started noticing these little things she dose that i think is adorable.. like when she smiles... u can only see her top teeth and her top gums.. when she sees a baby she gets all maternal and motherly.. umm when we go to concerts she acts like a school girl and holds her hands over her heart lol.. just small little things like dat that i think is adorable and luv shes da only gurl who does it..
eventually i figured out that i love her.. its hard to explain but yeah i do.. i think shes da most amazing girl i know.. i think shes perfect.. stunningly beautiful inside and out with a massive heart.. and when im not around her shes all i tink bout day and nite... and often text her good nite before i go to bed.
i care for her soo much i have always been there for her.. for 2-3 years now i have always been there.. when ever she called me or needed me i have always without exception dropped evrythin in my life for her.. weather it be fixing her car.. driving out to the city to go clubbn cuz she askd even thou i had work the next morning.. picking up and dropping off her friends on her birthday and then driving to her house to make sure she got home safe.. or even pickn her up on the side of the road at 2 in the mourning cuz she got pulled over by the cops n was stranded.. and driving her back the next day so she can pick it up.. but the one time i hint to her that i need her.. that i need her help cuz of the way im feeling.. she says shes too busy and quote "cant deal with my issues" and i dont see her for a month.. as much as i ask her to a movie or to lunch or just to see her.. because i miss her so much.. she say shes too busy with work or uni and wont give me the time of day.. and as many dance lessons i take for her.. and as many times i ask her to dance with me.. she wont even give me that.. not even for a min.. and at the same time... this guy that shes been seeing for a month.. who probably only wants to get in her pants which i know he has and that was 2 weeks ago.. she takes a day off uni to spend it with him.. she cares about him more than me.. its true nice guys finish last.
she did promise me on numerous occasions she would dance with me.. and she did promise she wud make a day for me so we can hang out..but she has still yet to keep any of the promises she made me.. and im just about to give up on waiting for her
its at the point now where shes been seein dis guy for like a month and i cant help myself but to cry all day.. and my nose starts to bleed because of the stress i think.. cause.. well im just sad thats its not me shes luvs.. that she luves someone else whn i know that no one can ever love her as much or as uncondionally as i do.. but at the same time.. i want her to be happy.. even if that means its not with me... i want this guy she likes to like her back so that she never has to feel the pain i go through every day knowing the person u love the most dosent luv u in return..
i miss her soo much i dnt want to anymore.. so im planning my suicide.. not one of those fake sucides were all u get is a scar so everyone fells srry for you.. i want to die.. i dnt want to be in pain anymore.. im planning on going to the hosiptal or wherever and putting myself on the organ donor list.. i want everything to go to someone in need after its done.. at least i wud hav done some sort of good before i die..
my plan is is dead bolt the inside of my shed.. and once there finish a bottle of too of vodka and a box of pain killers for the pain.. and slit my wrists.. not across but down the arm.. opening my arm up and cutting across all veins and arteries.. and if i have the strength left.. i will slit my throat.. through the juggular.
all in all this is where my head is now.. im in luv with my older cousin.. its not just a crush and its not that im tryn to furfill sum sick fantasy of sleeping with her.. i love her with all my heart and i know it can never be.. ive tried putting on a brave face and just be happy for her.. but i cant anymore.. it hurts too much
we were never close growning up.. we lived on opposite sides of the world until we were in high skool.. and even then we were very different people to what we are now and despised each other.. but now that were both in uni and grown up alot.. over the past 2 years we noticed we have alot in common and are best friends.
we go shoe/clothes shoppin 2gether.. we see movies 2gether then have max brenner or dinner after.. we go out to clubs 2gether on the weekends.. go to concerts.. and even going to europe 2gether nxt year.. and on occasion just chill at her house and even if were not doing that we text each others and have these long conversions with out any effort.
now heres were it gets messy.. about a month ago i started looking at my cousin in a different light.. nothing dirty or sexual.. but started noticing these little things she dose that i think is adorable.. like when she smiles... u can only see her top teeth and her top gums.. when she sees a baby she gets all maternal and motherly.. umm when we go to concerts she acts like a school girl and holds her hands over her heart lol.. just small little things like dat that i think is adorable and luv shes da only gurl who does it..
eventually i figured out that i love her.. its hard to explain but yeah i do.. i think shes da most amazing girl i know.. i think shes perfect.. stunningly beautiful inside and out with a massive heart.. and when im not around her shes all i tink bout day and nite... and often text her good nite before i go to bed.
i care for her soo much i have always been there for her.. for 2-3 years now i have always been there.. when ever she called me or needed me i have always without exception dropped evrythin in my life for her.. weather it be fixing her car.. driving out to the city to go clubbn cuz she askd even thou i had work the next morning.. picking up and dropping off her friends on her birthday and then driving to her house to make sure she got home safe.. or even pickn her up on the side of the road at 2 in the mourning cuz she got pulled over by the cops n was stranded.. and driving her back the next day so she can pick it up.. but the one time i hint to her that i need her.. that i need her help cuz of the way im feeling.. she says shes too busy and quote "cant deal with my issues" and i dont see her for a month.. as much as i ask her to a movie or to lunch or just to see her.. because i miss her so much.. she say shes too busy with work or uni and wont give me the time of day.. and as many dance lessons i take for her.. and as many times i ask her to dance with me.. she wont even give me that.. not even for a min.. and at the same time... this guy that shes been seeing for a month.. who probably only wants to get in her pants which i know he has and that was 2 weeks ago.. she takes a day off uni to spend it with him.. she cares about him more than me.. its true nice guys finish last.
she did promise me on numerous occasions she would dance with me.. and she did promise she wud make a day for me so we can hang out..but she has still yet to keep any of the promises she made me.. and im just about to give up on waiting for her
its at the point now where shes been seein dis guy for like a month and i cant help myself but to cry all day.. and my nose starts to bleed because of the stress i think.. cause.. well im just sad thats its not me shes luvs.. that she luves someone else whn i know that no one can ever love her as much or as uncondionally as i do.. but at the same time.. i want her to be happy.. even if that means its not with me... i want this guy she likes to like her back so that she never has to feel the pain i go through every day knowing the person u love the most dosent luv u in return..
i miss her soo much i dnt want to anymore.. so im planning my suicide.. not one of those fake sucides were all u get is a scar so everyone fells srry for you.. i want to die.. i dnt want to be in pain anymore.. im planning on going to the hosiptal or wherever and putting myself on the organ donor list.. i want everything to go to someone in need after its done.. at least i wud hav done some sort of good before i die..
my plan is is dead bolt the inside of my shed.. and once there finish a bottle of too of vodka and a box of pain killers for the pain.. and slit my wrists.. not across but down the arm.. opening my arm up and cutting across all veins and arteries.. and if i have the strength left.. i will slit my throat.. through the juggular.
all in all this is where my head is now.. im in luv with my older cousin.. its not just a crush and its not that im tryn to furfill sum sick fantasy of sleeping with her.. i love her with all my heart and i know it can never be.. ive tried putting on a brave face and just be happy for her.. but i cant anymore.. it hurts too much