I Will Never Falter
New member
Well this is REALLY long but I would appreciate if you read it i shortened it as much as I could. I'm a sophomore guy (17) should be a junior but I failed 9th grade it was all my fault I tried to blame everyone else but it was all my fault. Ever since the 7th grade I've done AWFUL in school I don't like my school don't like the teachers don't like most of the kids. I don't go to public school I go to private school and my family isn't rich, my parents have sacrificed SO MUCH for me to go there because they wanted me to go there so I always feel guilty during the school year and I'm not doing well but like no matter how hard I try I fall flat on my face and before I know it I'm back in the same hole i've been in every year since 7th grade failing (failing is an 85 at my school, and it's WAY harder than public school I have public school friends who are blown away by the stuff I have to do) I'm usually only failing with like an 82-84 and my mom gets so PISSED but I can't ever get them up and I feel terrible I can't transfer to public school because I'd have to start as a 18yr old freshman (non accredited or some shit like that) so I'm stuck there.
I also don't have my driver's license because my parent's want me to get my eagle award in boy scouts I have a classic car in my backyard waiting to fixed up but again we're not rich so I have to pay for ALL of it which I can't do because I don't have a job because I have no way of getting to my job because I don't have a license because I don't have my eagle award. I could have it in March but it's gonna cost $1200 to do and we're not rich so I have fund raise for it I can't fund raise for it until I get my grades up.
My friend asked out the girl I've had a huge crush on since the 8th grade. My friends and I never talk about who we like or anything (so he didn't know). At least they don't when I'm there, apparently, because they were all telling him to ask her out so the only conclusion is that talk about that shit without me I didn't realize that he was gonna ask her out until last Fridat. So I'm pissed off at him and the rest of my friends but It's really my fault for failing the 9th grade and not having my license because if I hadn't failed and if i had my license I would have asked her out FOREVER ago I love her she's my dream (not just seriously crushing on her I know I love her. she's the nicest, sweetest girl you'll ever meet and she's hotter than hell too. we talk sometimes and it's amazing). Now I have to pretend to be happy when they're together when really I just want to kill him.
I've been a christian all my life but now I just don't know. If my god is supposed to be "there for me" where is he? why isn't he helping me? I've prayed and I've got nothing why did he create me to be miserable? to encourage someone else to not be like me? If that's the case that's pretty f*cked up. Sometimes I just wish I had never been born, never existed. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep I fantasize about ending it all just calling it quits, heaven or hell or whatever has got to be better than this. I walk around all my friends wearing my "I'm so happy!" mask when I'm really dying inside and it's really ALL my fault and I know it and I'll be the first in line to admit it. I've asked for help, prayed for help tried talking to people to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with me, tried working harder at everything, tried to find something I enjoy doing with a passion but no luck, no help, no reinforcements. I guess I just needed to rant. I sincerely hope that if you've read this whole thing your life seems a little brighter, a little better than mine right now. Thanks for reading my rant.
I also don't have my driver's license because my parent's want me to get my eagle award in boy scouts I have a classic car in my backyard waiting to fixed up but again we're not rich so I have to pay for ALL of it which I can't do because I don't have a job because I have no way of getting to my job because I don't have a license because I don't have my eagle award. I could have it in March but it's gonna cost $1200 to do and we're not rich so I have fund raise for it I can't fund raise for it until I get my grades up.
My friend asked out the girl I've had a huge crush on since the 8th grade. My friends and I never talk about who we like or anything (so he didn't know). At least they don't when I'm there, apparently, because they were all telling him to ask her out so the only conclusion is that talk about that shit without me I didn't realize that he was gonna ask her out until last Fridat. So I'm pissed off at him and the rest of my friends but It's really my fault for failing the 9th grade and not having my license because if I hadn't failed and if i had my license I would have asked her out FOREVER ago I love her she's my dream (not just seriously crushing on her I know I love her. she's the nicest, sweetest girl you'll ever meet and she's hotter than hell too. we talk sometimes and it's amazing). Now I have to pretend to be happy when they're together when really I just want to kill him.
I've been a christian all my life but now I just don't know. If my god is supposed to be "there for me" where is he? why isn't he helping me? I've prayed and I've got nothing why did he create me to be miserable? to encourage someone else to not be like me? If that's the case that's pretty f*cked up. Sometimes I just wish I had never been born, never existed. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep I fantasize about ending it all just calling it quits, heaven or hell or whatever has got to be better than this. I walk around all my friends wearing my "I'm so happy!" mask when I'm really dying inside and it's really ALL my fault and I know it and I'll be the first in line to admit it. I've asked for help, prayed for help tried talking to people to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with me, tried working harder at everything, tried to find something I enjoy doing with a passion but no luck, no help, no reinforcements. I guess I just needed to rant. I sincerely hope that if you've read this whole thing your life seems a little brighter, a little better than mine right now. Thanks for reading my rant.