chutes2narroww
New member
I'm one of those type-A, high-achieving kids, and I get overwhelmed and tend to shut down. Last year I was a yo-yo-ing anorexic, and I went to therapy but hated it, so I left. Over the summer I was fine (I also had a boyfriend), but ever since school started I've regressed and things have only gotten weirder.
I know I don't want to starve myself, but lately when I get upset or overwhelmed I scratch and burn my fingers and then squeeze at them until no more blood comes out. My friends think they're scrapes from water polo games.
And in the last week I've been making myself vomit up to 4 or 5 times a day. I'm smart enough to know bulimia is really dumb and won't make me lose weight, but I just get in a trance and don't realize what I'm doing until its too late. It almost feels good, and I've been doing it when I feel like a failure or a loser.
I know starving, burning, and vomiting are all really horrible coping mechanisms, but I feel so bleak all the time, like I don't belong anywhere and that I'm a horrible person. I think I'm ugly and disgusting and I've stopped going out on the weekends because I don't like talking to people. I've felt like this for nearly 2 months without much variation, and I need a better way to deal with it/end it entirely.
My two friends who knew about my eating disorder last year also know that I self-injure. They don't know about the vomiting. They've both been very supportive in the past but I feel like they don't want to listen to me complain, since their lives are going really well and I'm just a downer. One even told me he was starting to think I did all of this for attention, and that I don't even make an effort to be happy.
This isn't true--I hate telling people about my problems and would rather both of them hadn't known about my disorder. And I wish more than anything that I could just be happy.
I don't want to go back to therapy. Anyone have ideas for how I should end this relentless cycle? Anything helps.
I know I don't want to starve myself, but lately when I get upset or overwhelmed I scratch and burn my fingers and then squeeze at them until no more blood comes out. My friends think they're scrapes from water polo games.
And in the last week I've been making myself vomit up to 4 or 5 times a day. I'm smart enough to know bulimia is really dumb and won't make me lose weight, but I just get in a trance and don't realize what I'm doing until its too late. It almost feels good, and I've been doing it when I feel like a failure or a loser.
I know starving, burning, and vomiting are all really horrible coping mechanisms, but I feel so bleak all the time, like I don't belong anywhere and that I'm a horrible person. I think I'm ugly and disgusting and I've stopped going out on the weekends because I don't like talking to people. I've felt like this for nearly 2 months without much variation, and I need a better way to deal with it/end it entirely.
My two friends who knew about my eating disorder last year also know that I self-injure. They don't know about the vomiting. They've both been very supportive in the past but I feel like they don't want to listen to me complain, since their lives are going really well and I'm just a downer. One even told me he was starting to think I did all of this for attention, and that I don't even make an effort to be happy.
This isn't true--I hate telling people about my problems and would rather both of them hadn't known about my disorder. And I wish more than anything that I could just be happy.
I don't want to go back to therapy. Anyone have ideas for how I should end this relentless cycle? Anything helps.