have you ever hoped you had a mental illness?

[Milly]

sometimes i find myself constantly researching mental illnesses and hoping i have one, i mean alot of the symptoms apply to me but i've never had anything really traumatic happen too me i.e parents splitting up or abuse or anything. But i have a huge lack of self esteem for about 3-5 years which has effected the past 2-3 years of my life. In ways like socialising less, feeling anxious in social situations, irritable moods, a increasingly distance relationship with my parents (especially my mum, who i think has a mantel illness, but i've never asked) she can be angry all the time, always shouting at me and honestly it makes me feel worthless and guilty. I've lost interest in things i used to enjoy and recently i've been behind on school work and extremely stressed about passing my exams, but i also have no motivation anymore and always feel like i don't care. I sleep all the time as i find myself constantly tired throughout the day and drained and ill. I also have lost alot of Friends over the years and haven't been in a relationship in 3 years and even when i have have always ended it within a month because of my self esteem, i feel like no one wants or should be with me. Well, the only traumatic experience was that before christmas i developed (over a year) a huge 22 pound tumour on my ovary and there was a chance it was cancerous but wasn't. so i find myself believing i have and wanting a mental illness to explain all of these things that have happened, i know it sounds ungrateful but i'm really unhappy and embarrassed about my life so far and get angry and embarrassed when my Friends and family reminisce about my past, but i don't really see a future. i guess there's kind of a bit more but this is long enough already so to sum it up i've had eating disorders before and i used to compulsively excersise and stuff like that. Is there something wrong with me? (sorry, its quite long) x