N
Nancy L
Guest
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
It was dead.
T
THEPANTHERSFAN
Guest
Got any good jokes?
If you got them from a website please leave a link.
If you got them from a website please leave a link.
D
Dee216
Guest
Its one of the most simple ones I've ever heard, but it always gets a laugh.
"So there were two muffins in an oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says, "Damn, its hot in here." All of a sudden, the other muffin says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
"So there were two muffins in an oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says, "Damn, its hot in here." All of a sudden, the other muffin says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
Y
Yuďŷ Praz ²
Guest
Whats the Fastest Cake?
Scone
But you have to say it like Scon
So it sounds like it's gone
Whats the oldest fruit ?
A date
Where do cows go on a Saturday Night?
To the Mooooovies
And a few Christmas jokes to get into the spirit :
Christmas warning:
Christmas has been canceled this year and it's all your fault because you told Santa you were good this year and He DIED laughing
( obviously NOT true Christmas has been canceled lol )
After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume.
"That's a bit much," said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30.
Bob complained, "That’s still a lot of money."
Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume.
Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no… What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!"
So the clerk handed him a mirror!!
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.
The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!
Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
( Didn't mean to offend any blonds x )
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He had low ELF esteem!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!
Where do you find reindeer? It depends on where you leave them!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite!
Non christmas Jokes :
What do witches use in their hair? . scare-spray
Why was 6 afraid of 7 ? because 7-8-9
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese
As in not your cheese but Like NAT your cheese
What is the Strongest letter in the alphabet? P- even superman can't hold it as in like needing the toilet lol
When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?
When you're eating a watermelon!
At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is; Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "but, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher replied.
The next student was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets."
"That's right said the little girl, but how did you know?"
"Oh, I've been around for many years," said the teacher proudly.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package, but it was leaking so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test.
"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"NOPE," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"NO MAM," he replied, with even more excitement!
The teacher with all her knowledge finally took one more big taste before admitting, "I give up. What is it?"
With an giant grin the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It's a puppy!"
The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.
“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”
A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."
Right away, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Scone
But you have to say it like Scon
So it sounds like it's gone
Whats the oldest fruit ?
A date
Where do cows go on a Saturday Night?
To the Mooooovies
And a few Christmas jokes to get into the spirit :
Christmas warning:
Christmas has been canceled this year and it's all your fault because you told Santa you were good this year and He DIED laughing
( obviously NOT true Christmas has been canceled lol )
After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume.
"That's a bit much," said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30.
Bob complained, "That’s still a lot of money."
Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume.
Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no… What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!"
So the clerk handed him a mirror!!
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.
The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!
Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
( Didn't mean to offend any blonds x )
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He had low ELF esteem!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!
Where do you find reindeer? It depends on where you leave them!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite!
Non christmas Jokes :
What do witches use in their hair? . scare-spray
Why was 6 afraid of 7 ? because 7-8-9
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese
As in not your cheese but Like NAT your cheese
What is the Strongest letter in the alphabet? P- even superman can't hold it as in like needing the toilet lol
When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?
When you're eating a watermelon!
At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is; Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "but, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher replied.
The next student was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets."
"That's right said the little girl, but how did you know?"
"Oh, I've been around for many years," said the teacher proudly.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package, but it was leaking so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test.
"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"NOPE," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"NO MAM," he replied, with even more excitement!
The teacher with all her knowledge finally took one more big taste before admitting, "I give up. What is it?"
With an giant grin the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It's a puppy!"
The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.
“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”
A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."
Right away, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
L
Lucky
Guest
when does god get angry?
when an unmarried girl becomes pregnant and her mom says
oh god..why did u do this to my daughter?
when an unmarried girl becomes pregnant and her mom says
oh god..why did u do this to my daughter?
M
Mat
Guest
I applied for a job at a mental institution but they said I needed 24 hour
experiencee... so do you want to go to the park and hang out?
I'LL BRING THE CRAYONS!!!
experiencee... so do you want to go to the park and hang out?
I'LL BRING THE CRAYONS!!!