I should speak to a professional, but I can't afford it. I am 23. I have had a long history with drug abuse. I have a very addictive personality. Since highschool I have felt like I have spiraled downward. cant control my emotions. I have to use a substance to function and to be happy now. I belive that the years of doing this has caused my brain to forget how to do things on its own, such as just being happy and falling asleep. I have to make it stop. My anxiety has gone thrugh the roof the past 2 years and i can't take it any longer. I need answers. Am I bipolar? Am I just depressed? If i stop abusing will i be able to be normal again? Here is a somewhat quick overview:
6th grade through sophmore year I abused otc diet pills. Many had ephedra in them. This was when it was still legal. I have had weight issues my whole life. Along with the obsession with pills were bulimia and anorexia.
My sophmore year a friend introduced me to methamphetamine. I was instantly hooked.went to jail when i was 17 for it. Was on probation or a year. Along with that i did a little cocaine and ecstacy here and there. But it was mainly meth. My senior year I quit.. was doing great.
I had a realtionship that year with a guy. he was my first love. I became pregnant my senior year from him and decided to have an abortion. It was very hard looking back. Abortion is way too hard on young girls that age. This spiraled me down again.
Less than 30 days after I got off probation I caught another case for Meth. While on probation the second time I obtained a prescription from a shady doctor for a ridiculously amount of adderal so I could pass drug tests. My main focus while taking this was to lose weight. The next year was my lowest year. I was extremely skinny. Had MAJOR insmoia and depression. I started workin at clubs doing bottle service. I soon began to abuse alcohol as well. I became very very promiscous. I have always been a very sexual person. Some times I have wondered if I have some sexual addiction traits. I soon contracted an std... which was very devastaing. I also had a 2nd abortion. I did not know who the father was which made me feel even worse. I was soon taken advantage of while blacked out by 2 guys who worked at the club i was workin at. I liked one of them lot and we were talking. He brought his friend in to do what he wanted with me. basically.. it was rape. This was a wakeup call. I got off of the adderal within a month or two after. I was doing ok for a few months.
Then I started drinking again.. a LOT. I was very very anxious allll the time. My insomnia and depression never changed. thought it might be post-traumatic stress disorder. I wasnt sure.
I began drinking almost a whole regular bottle of vodka a night by myself along with marijuana. This lasted about 8 months.
I sort of fell into a relationship with a guy after that and I stopped drinking as much. The marijuana never stopped. The past 2 years I smoke every day. Mainly to sleep. Or to calm my anxiety. I exercise a lot now, but i still will smoke a bowl to go to bed. Although my tolerance has gone up so much the past 3 months that I have been feeling a sense of paranoia all the time. Right now my moods are constantly swining back and forth. The Insomnia is still very present. I have anxiety attacks at night before i go to bed. I feel like all tis should be over.
Ijust want to be able to function on my own without depending on anything or anyone. I feel that my life has revolved around these substances and I don think i will be able to be mentally sane without them. I dont want to resort to taking a pill the rest of my life. I just want to know what is wrong with me and fix it. Is it in my head? Am i just used to medicating myself or does my brain permanently need somethng to help me function now? Have I messed myself up so badly that I can;t go back now? I have been feeling like I am clinically insane lately. I used to be such a happy person and in control of my emotions.
6th grade through sophmore year I abused otc diet pills. Many had ephedra in them. This was when it was still legal. I have had weight issues my whole life. Along with the obsession with pills were bulimia and anorexia.
My sophmore year a friend introduced me to methamphetamine. I was instantly hooked.went to jail when i was 17 for it. Was on probation or a year. Along with that i did a little cocaine and ecstacy here and there. But it was mainly meth. My senior year I quit.. was doing great.
I had a realtionship that year with a guy. he was my first love. I became pregnant my senior year from him and decided to have an abortion. It was very hard looking back. Abortion is way too hard on young girls that age. This spiraled me down again.
Less than 30 days after I got off probation I caught another case for Meth. While on probation the second time I obtained a prescription from a shady doctor for a ridiculously amount of adderal so I could pass drug tests. My main focus while taking this was to lose weight. The next year was my lowest year. I was extremely skinny. Had MAJOR insmoia and depression. I started workin at clubs doing bottle service. I soon began to abuse alcohol as well. I became very very promiscous. I have always been a very sexual person. Some times I have wondered if I have some sexual addiction traits. I soon contracted an std... which was very devastaing. I also had a 2nd abortion. I did not know who the father was which made me feel even worse. I was soon taken advantage of while blacked out by 2 guys who worked at the club i was workin at. I liked one of them lot and we were talking. He brought his friend in to do what he wanted with me. basically.. it was rape. This was a wakeup call. I got off of the adderal within a month or two after. I was doing ok for a few months.
Then I started drinking again.. a LOT. I was very very anxious allll the time. My insomnia and depression never changed. thought it might be post-traumatic stress disorder. I wasnt sure.
I began drinking almost a whole regular bottle of vodka a night by myself along with marijuana. This lasted about 8 months.
I sort of fell into a relationship with a guy after that and I stopped drinking as much. The marijuana never stopped. The past 2 years I smoke every day. Mainly to sleep. Or to calm my anxiety. I exercise a lot now, but i still will smoke a bowl to go to bed. Although my tolerance has gone up so much the past 3 months that I have been feeling a sense of paranoia all the time. Right now my moods are constantly swining back and forth. The Insomnia is still very present. I have anxiety attacks at night before i go to bed. I feel like all tis should be over.
Ijust want to be able to function on my own without depending on anything or anyone. I feel that my life has revolved around these substances and I don think i will be able to be mentally sane without them. I dont want to resort to taking a pill the rest of my life. I just want to know what is wrong with me and fix it. Is it in my head? Am i just used to medicating myself or does my brain permanently need somethng to help me function now? Have I messed myself up so badly that I can;t go back now? I have been feeling like I am clinically insane lately. I used to be such a happy person and in control of my emotions.