Passing Owl.
New member
Bare with me while I try and put this into words.
First of all, I wanna say that I don't think theres many people who have thought about and obsessed over human (specifically male) sexuality as I have done in my life so far. I'm a 23 year old guy.
Yesterday I thought I was in love with my friend Mike. He's 18 and he has had a lot of similar problems to mine growing up and we met when he was 14 I was 19. We were really close and affectionate but it was PLATONIC back then because of his age. A couple of years down the line I decided i'm in love with him and I always got the sign he had feelings back for me but he finds it hard to admit his sexuality so he burys his head in the sand.
Now, fifteen years after my first crush (which was on two twin boys) and nine years after my first sexual encounter (which was with a guy) and six or so years of coming out the closet to certain people, then moving away and going back inside the closet again ............ something has clicked in my head.
i've been seeing a psychotherapist once a week for the last year due to depression and anxiety, and she attributed it to my overly strict and sadistic, emotionally distant step father (who i thought was my father) and my weak, overbearing emotional mother. I ended up in a foster home at the age of 14 and I was bambi thrown to the wolves. But i fought my way in mind and body and learnt that all my 'negative experiences' will build up into something positive for me one day, and I learnt that it's important to understand things.
So my Psychotherapist just comes out with one comment... She says, "maybe your mother has an unwritten contract with you that you will defend and protect her."
And that was it.
*BANG* my head just seemed to click into a different place and I became aware of a whole OTHER world i had never seen before. The only way I can describe it is like it's THE GUY WORLD where we are all a bunch of mummys boys but the boy who can prove he is LEAST OF ALL a mummys boy is the most confident, physically strong and sexy, HETEROSEXUAL, and attractive to the HOMOSEXUALS, masculine guy there IS.
And I feel invincible. Like i've just f***ked a girl for the first time and i'm bragging about it to my mates.
My homosexual feelings? I put them down to HOMO EROTICA. Thats normal you see. There's nothing and no thought or feeling that can't be sorted out by wipping your c**ks out with the lads. w**k together, even suck if you feel like it.......... you'll soon get bored...... as long as its all done as part of THE BOYS GROUP and therefore in good jest and "taking one for the team".
Being one of the boys is all you need. Girls come AFTER you are content and then you compete and protect and all that.
I walked into this supermarket when I came out of therapy and I noticed that i wasn't doing the usual 'looking around paranoid of threatning looking guys' -thing. I noticed this because everybody I looked at quickly looked at me and looked away. At first I was embaressed about this. I didn't want anyone to feel that comfortable. But then I remembered all those times that my step dad bullied me and got right up into my face and I thought, 'i'm never going to stare any one out or try to start fights or become a bully and pick on people weaker than myself for any reason.... BUT... I will be sticking up for myself from now on.'
And in the queue at the same supermarket (this was yesterday), a guy who normally looks at me like i'm pretty soft and with disrespect or pity looked at me and looked away as well while i was in the queue. And i didn't get self-concsieous at all I just thought 'well thats it's their problem if they feel threatened, i'm not doing it to them, i feel safe and confident.'
Then I got served by this woman at the till and there was this sudden chemical rush between us, like probably what people refer to as 'love at first sight' - except i dont believe thats what it was it was just chemistry - but anyway the feeling made me feel COMPLETE and RIGHTEOUS in my position as A MALE with THE PENIS.
And she is THE FEMALE with her FEMININE CHARM AND BEAUTY (although not actually my type as much as I think I am hers) AND SHE HAS THE VAGINA which is there for MY PENIS and that whole affair between us is something that I NATURALLY WILL TAKE CHARGE OF as the MAN and she will do her thing what knows best which is the MOTHERLY ora and her BEAUTIFUL PEACEMAKING TALK and gorgeous feminine figure in need of MY PROTECTION......... but I as just another normal cheeky helpess lad who only knows how to think with MY DICK am wooed in to her CHARMS and amazingness and i'm in love with her.... i dont deserve her...... she is constantly testing my sexuality...... and i will do everything to WIN HER :-D :-D :-D
(At this point if i were you i'd be thinking I'M ON DRUGS.. but i'm not! But you see, it's like being on drugs finding out you were straight all along!)
Oh.... and MIKE the 18 year old who I thought I was in love with yesterday...... *KAPEESH* ........ GONE.
If anything i'm a bit angry at him because I have that sort of straight foresight now to see that he was taking the PISS out of me a bit.
But I can understand the real him now and the reasons we bonded so heavily in the first place is because... obviously... I have that RESCUE PARENT POWER that he can look up to and wants to be looked after by.... and he lost his mother not long before....
I will still be his friend and look after him from now on... but as far as the other stuff goes..... ha I feel embaressed about it but hey, thats life! You live, learn and realise that all men are the same!
First of all, I wanna say that I don't think theres many people who have thought about and obsessed over human (specifically male) sexuality as I have done in my life so far. I'm a 23 year old guy.
Yesterday I thought I was in love with my friend Mike. He's 18 and he has had a lot of similar problems to mine growing up and we met when he was 14 I was 19. We were really close and affectionate but it was PLATONIC back then because of his age. A couple of years down the line I decided i'm in love with him and I always got the sign he had feelings back for me but he finds it hard to admit his sexuality so he burys his head in the sand.
Now, fifteen years after my first crush (which was on two twin boys) and nine years after my first sexual encounter (which was with a guy) and six or so years of coming out the closet to certain people, then moving away and going back inside the closet again ............ something has clicked in my head.
i've been seeing a psychotherapist once a week for the last year due to depression and anxiety, and she attributed it to my overly strict and sadistic, emotionally distant step father (who i thought was my father) and my weak, overbearing emotional mother. I ended up in a foster home at the age of 14 and I was bambi thrown to the wolves. But i fought my way in mind and body and learnt that all my 'negative experiences' will build up into something positive for me one day, and I learnt that it's important to understand things.
So my Psychotherapist just comes out with one comment... She says, "maybe your mother has an unwritten contract with you that you will defend and protect her."
And that was it.
*BANG* my head just seemed to click into a different place and I became aware of a whole OTHER world i had never seen before. The only way I can describe it is like it's THE GUY WORLD where we are all a bunch of mummys boys but the boy who can prove he is LEAST OF ALL a mummys boy is the most confident, physically strong and sexy, HETEROSEXUAL, and attractive to the HOMOSEXUALS, masculine guy there IS.
And I feel invincible. Like i've just f***ked a girl for the first time and i'm bragging about it to my mates.
My homosexual feelings? I put them down to HOMO EROTICA. Thats normal you see. There's nothing and no thought or feeling that can't be sorted out by wipping your c**ks out with the lads. w**k together, even suck if you feel like it.......... you'll soon get bored...... as long as its all done as part of THE BOYS GROUP and therefore in good jest and "taking one for the team".
Being one of the boys is all you need. Girls come AFTER you are content and then you compete and protect and all that.
I walked into this supermarket when I came out of therapy and I noticed that i wasn't doing the usual 'looking around paranoid of threatning looking guys' -thing. I noticed this because everybody I looked at quickly looked at me and looked away. At first I was embaressed about this. I didn't want anyone to feel that comfortable. But then I remembered all those times that my step dad bullied me and got right up into my face and I thought, 'i'm never going to stare any one out or try to start fights or become a bully and pick on people weaker than myself for any reason.... BUT... I will be sticking up for myself from now on.'
And in the queue at the same supermarket (this was yesterday), a guy who normally looks at me like i'm pretty soft and with disrespect or pity looked at me and looked away as well while i was in the queue. And i didn't get self-concsieous at all I just thought 'well thats it's their problem if they feel threatened, i'm not doing it to them, i feel safe and confident.'
Then I got served by this woman at the till and there was this sudden chemical rush between us, like probably what people refer to as 'love at first sight' - except i dont believe thats what it was it was just chemistry - but anyway the feeling made me feel COMPLETE and RIGHTEOUS in my position as A MALE with THE PENIS.
And she is THE FEMALE with her FEMININE CHARM AND BEAUTY (although not actually my type as much as I think I am hers) AND SHE HAS THE VAGINA which is there for MY PENIS and that whole affair between us is something that I NATURALLY WILL TAKE CHARGE OF as the MAN and she will do her thing what knows best which is the MOTHERLY ora and her BEAUTIFUL PEACEMAKING TALK and gorgeous feminine figure in need of MY PROTECTION......... but I as just another normal cheeky helpess lad who only knows how to think with MY DICK am wooed in to her CHARMS and amazingness and i'm in love with her.... i dont deserve her...... she is constantly testing my sexuality...... and i will do everything to WIN HER :-D :-D :-D
(At this point if i were you i'd be thinking I'M ON DRUGS.. but i'm not! But you see, it's like being on drugs finding out you were straight all along!)
Oh.... and MIKE the 18 year old who I thought I was in love with yesterday...... *KAPEESH* ........ GONE.
If anything i'm a bit angry at him because I have that sort of straight foresight now to see that he was taking the PISS out of me a bit.
But I can understand the real him now and the reasons we bonded so heavily in the first place is because... obviously... I have that RESCUE PARENT POWER that he can look up to and wants to be looked after by.... and he lost his mother not long before....
I will still be his friend and look after him from now on... but as far as the other stuff goes..... ha I feel embaressed about it but hey, thats life! You live, learn and realise that all men are the same!