Great Family Guy Quotes

From You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives, though this would also work in the facial expression thread.

Lois: What if Brian's right. I mean, certainly the love between a man and woman should be sacred but...
Carter: Whose talking about love? We're talking about marraige.
Lois: Well, don't you love mom?
Carter: Come on Lois, look at her.

And then it cuts immediately to this shot...

001-3.jpg


Something about the way Babs is drawn here is laugh out loud funny, even if it is very subtle.
 
Yeah, I love that. By all logic, it shouldn't be funny, but it is.

Another fave:

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father, and raped my mother!

^ Good unexpected twist. And the mental thought of a human-sized cigarette having sex with a woman is pretty silly.
 
The King is Dead

Peter: I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9 AM.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9 AM is exactly what you've turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. (leaves, but comes back in) Oh HA HA. I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

Stewie: Mmm, oh, you know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, and she has gotten faaaaaaaaat!

^ So true to life.

Lethal Weapons

Stewie: Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! (to a guy next to him) Women; yakety, yak, yak, yak. You know. Enjoy the fight.

^ Stewie's a riot in this episode.

The Thin White Line

Lois: How was your day?
Brian: My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First we nailed this bastard who hid his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Where's the line anymore? I got news for you. It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! Bam! Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle. One day you, you see your reflection in it and the next day, it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you knowing the perverted truth that rots in your soul. That's how my freakin' day was.
Peter: ...You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

^ This rant from Brian reminds me of the opening of National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1.

The Story on Page 1

Meg: I have no future! I'm just gonna wait in my room until I'm dead.
Stewie: I'll be in shortly.

^ I love how Stewie says that.

Wasted Talent

Peter: It's like I died and went to heaven! But then they realized that it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.

^ In other words, it's like right now.

Fore Father

Joe: He's gonna grow up to be quite a man!
(cutaway to Kevin in bed with his wife, after sex)
Woman: That was incredible, Kevin.
Kevin: I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad?
Joe: Did I say you could rest yet?!

^ This is one of my all-time favorite Family Guy jokes. Just the idea of Joe watching his son have sex with his new bride is hilarious.
 
Even though I'm a girl, I like the one from Road to Rhode Island:

Peter: Our relationship can't be measured in nipples and dimes. Er, nickels and boobs. *blank stare* MONEY.
 
Here are some favorite "Peter shouts something at a gathering" quotes:

(at a wedding)
Priest: If there are any reasons why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Peter: ....Really. Nobody's gonna speak up? I'm the one who's gonna have to say it? (sighs) All right. GENITAL WARTS!!!

(while watching "The Phantom of the Opera")
Peter: Let's see the gross half of your face! Come on! Let's see the gross half of your face so I can get outta here!

(while watching "Uncle Vanya")
Peter: ...What the hell is this?! For crying out loud, somebody throw a pie!

(while watching Meg's grade school play)
Peter: Boy, you guys are NOT sucking me into the story at all. I'm just telling you for your own benefit. I'm very aware I'm watching a play right now.

(while watching "Failure to Launch")
Tripp: I just never managed to get my life together. Isn't that hilarious?
Paula: You're funny.
Peter: DONE! (leaves theater)
 
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Peter: Kiss her? I am going to DESTROY her.

The way Peter delivers that line completely deadpan is hilarious.
 
Here's one of my favorite cutaways, from Petergeist

(John Travolta at his wedding to Kelly Preston)
Priest: John, do you take Kelly to be your wife?
John Travolta: I totally do, I mean, yeah. Yes. Absolutely. And, I'm going to do stuff to her, too. Like, touch her? (Kelly nods) Yeah, touch her. And, kiss her? And touch her penis. (Kelly frowns) I mean no, not that, not that.

Whoever did Travolta's voice here cracks me up, just the way he talks, giving an exaggerated parody of how Travolta speaks. And of course, the punchline to the cutaway is funny too.
 
I can't remember the episode(and I don't think I have the dialogue exactly right :sweat:),but I've always liked this exchange between Lois and Peter....

Lois: I swear,it's like I'm married to a child!!!

Peter:..You better watch who you're calling a child,Lois...'Cause you know what that makes you...a pedophile!!...and I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by a pervert!!!

...I think this is one of Peter's best comebacks in the series...
 
Back
Top