good writing????!!!!?

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I slowly walked towards the small wooden door. My small Mary Janes made little or no sound as I neared closer. My mother had just told me to feed her, and i was doing so, for she would never do it herself. As I reached for the glass door knob,a tingling feeling shot up my arm and through my whole body.I became stiff and petrified. But, this was the same feeling that overcame me everytime.I took a deep breath and opened the door, slowly, so that it wouldnt make the slightest sound. I turned to face her, hunched over on the same old,oak bed and thrashed matress. She was nearly 13 yrs. older than me, but still lived with us and there was a reason, a frightening reason.Even though we heard her screaching cries for help, all through the night , we never helped her,never. I looked straight into her bloodshot eyes, and she met mine.She seemed to be staring straight into my soul. It was unsettle, so I soon looked away. I paced towards the rickety bed, and studied her
The same protruding bones, stretching her skin out to its near extent. The same crooked hands that seemed to be clenching something.I always looked at her in such horror and disgust, but she never said a word, for she couldnt. Her long, jagged fingernails cut the palms of her hands, which had become raw and swollen. You could see the old, dry blood sitting there, peeling off, and crumpling onto the bedframe......
this is just the prolouge, be nice, but be truthful, im only 13. if u say its good ill continue:D
once i reached the foot of her bed, i quickly set the bowl of split pea soup on the ground and began towards the door. I knew she coudnt feed herself, but i didnt care, i was so frightened and scared. As i reached the door, my mothers words echoed into the deep, depths of my mind."If you dont feed her ill beat you, and I mean it, this time,I mean it!" Memories of the wooden pole she had used to bash my head in when I was a "bad girl" came swarming back into my head. I raised my left hand to the top of my forehead, and felt where the bloody wound had once been. I turned around, and slowly paced towards the edge of the bed. As I approached it , I reached into the top left pocket of my flower-printed summer dress and plucked out a small, wooden ladle. I bent down and dug it into the bowl, then out again. I slowly walked over to her, the soup swishing this way, and that onto the dry, wood floor. As the spoon neared her mouth,she began to scream in agonizing pain. It reached the tip of...
her tongue,she tried to swallow it as huge droplets hit the matress and seeped through.Unable to consume it, she began to vomit profusley, every which way. It would usually sit there for weeks, rotting like an,old, mangled corpse,for i was always to afraid to get that near to her. I waited until my mother nearly forced me to clean the putrid mess up. I look at her with a blank stare, emptiness. I knew she was my sister, but did I love her? I didnt know. How COULD you love someone so disgiusting and horrible looking? In a way i felt sorrowful, but in a sick way, i wonderfully enjoyed the night she died......
 
Your writing style is amazing and your imagination is wonderful. However, I don't know if I'd read something like that. I'm more of a fantasy type than anything else. Your story seems to be a horror *shudders*.
 
good writing?...YES! Eventhough what you've written here is just a portion of the whole body, i already felt the mystery and the flow of one's drift towards a story. Very good! I wanna know who is that woman!..
 
lol being honest with a 13 year old? you dont leave me much choice hehe. but really, i liked the way it flows, very rhythmic sort of, good grammar, but you should broaden your vocabualry, and i could sense a little influence from the "goosebumps" collection lol but that is not a bad thing as long as you maintain your own tone and strengthen it along as you go. You should definitely consider writing more and overall, good job. btw its "unsettling" not unsettle. :D thumbs up
 
Angel,

This sounds an awful lot like the scene in Pet Sematary where the doctor's wife had the sick older sister who was all twisted and with Spinal Meningitis.

For 13 years old it's pretty good, but it needs work. For instance 'neared closer' is simply using the same term twice, but with a different spelling. 'moved closer to the door' would probably fit better here.

What you need to do is ask someone to critique this for you and give you an honest opinion. It should be someone who you can actually hand the paper to. Maybe a teacher as long as you don't have any foul language. The punctuations are off in a few places, too. In the last sentence, you don't need a comma after bed.

I still feel you got this from that movie. There's nothing wrong with this, but be careful how close you come to the original when you're finished. Readers out there are not dumb, Angel, if I caught this, so will someone else.

If that's not the case I apologize in advance. Remember that honesty is the best policy.

Good luck!

PJ M
 
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