I'm 18 and a guy. Now I have an anxiety problem that is very disabling. I have trouble talking to pretty much everybody, not just guys. But guys especially make me uncomfortable. It's because I grew up with a dad who was abusive. I guess he tried his best, but it's very difficult for me to talk to him. These days I can't be around him because he makes me very uncomfortable. I usually gravitated towards my mom more, and even then she's also very difficult to talk to because she does nothing but complain all the time. She's also a very weak person who doesn't seem to understand that she is miserable. I only have two sisters and both of them are pointless to communicate with. Essentially, the only male figures I had in my life were the ones who let me down and the female figures I had emphasized weakness. When it comes to other guys, I have trouble talking to them and being around them. I guess it's for that reason, but who knows. Guys seem way too hung up on sex and violence anyways. I guess it's kind of funny because I have a pretty bad temper myself. Besides when I was a kid I also had somewhat longish hair, which made people think I was a girl. My mom thought it looked cute, but then again she clearly has poor judgment seeing as how she married my dad and continues to stay with him despite the fact that he's a horribly negative person.
The point is that these days, not only do I have trouble talking to people and forming relationships, but I have an even bigger problem talking to guys. I already know I'm straight, so don't make any stupid jokes. For a long time I attempted to identify as feminine in order to get away from the image of masculinity that my dad and other men in my life showed to me, which only made me feel miserable. Besides, nobody would believe I was feminine anyways because I have a deep voice. I don't show my feelings to anybody and I don't trust people either. Honestly I have no idea whether this is how I learned how to protect myself, or if I was always this way and would continue to be this way if I had a perfect family. I was a very sensitive kid after all.
Okay, that's all. Can you help me understand this?
The point is that these days, not only do I have trouble talking to people and forming relationships, but I have an even bigger problem talking to guys. I already know I'm straight, so don't make any stupid jokes. For a long time I attempted to identify as feminine in order to get away from the image of masculinity that my dad and other men in my life showed to me, which only made me feel miserable. Besides, nobody would believe I was feminine anyways because I have a deep voice. I don't show my feelings to anybody and I don't trust people either. Honestly I have no idea whether this is how I learned how to protect myself, or if I was always this way and would continue to be this way if I had a perfect family. I was a very sensitive kid after all.
Okay, that's all. Can you help me understand this?