Gave 19 year old son ultimatum... Now what??

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I used to say and still beleive that a person has to hit their personal bottom and really want another way to live before any kind of recovery will work.

How ever i have seem miricales during my 9 years of recoveryl If GOD = HP wants the 19 year old to get the program the first time, he will. So i dont say they wont get it unless they want it.

He may want it and doesnt even know he wants it.
 
Angelique - you're welcome :)

Jolo - I'd never looked at it that way (hitting a personal bottom) - thank you for enlightening me :)

emsmom
 
Very well suggested......From pure experience, (not myself), but very close frienRAB that I have seen go through so much, that a person that has not been down that road can not have an idea of what he is thinking, feeling, etc....But, having someone to relate to that understanRAB is a great start. For some reason ultimatums don't work, but a lot of patience and leading the person you care about towarRAB the right direction is the best way. Having a sponser in their life is a life saver from what I have witnessed. it's easy for a person that is not in thier shoes to suggest to another, just quit the drugs or drinking, can't be that hard....but it is hard and a sponser understanRAB and will do what they can to help from their own experience and knowledge....


A very close friend of mine once said "he had to hit rock bottom before he opened his eyes"..he almost died, but he lost everything and it brought him back...
 
I am touched by all of you. You are all wonderful caring people, thank you so much for the support. My cup runneth over with your kindness and I am very grateful.

Today was an extra stressful day, and I am emotionally exhausted. Exhausted. There weren't any earth shattering events, son hasn't relapsed or anything, but the tension in my house has hit an all time high. I am just too worn out to go into details about today, but I still wanted to come and 'see' you all for a bit. I gain so much from you.

Thanks for the help and support you have all given since my last post. I think I'll take the advice to ask the rehab for suggestions too. I still don't know what will happen, but I really hope my son can and will go to a sober living halfway house. That really would be best thing, of that I'm sure. But as a legal adult, it has to be his choice, so only time will tell. And yes, setting him up in an apartment probably is a bad idea. I just couldn't think of any other way to avoid him coming home if the halfway house doesn't happen. I can't have him at home while he sits on a halfway house waiting list that is several months long. He doesn't have anywhere he can go live, no frienRAB, nowhere. Well enough of that for now. I feel so drained, and I can't solve it all tonight anyway.

Angelique, I am blessed to have your replies. Your posts are amazing and full of insight, thank you so much. And I need to clarify something about the "no contact" thing. Either you misunderstood or I may have made a typo. As long as he is trying, we do Not plan to do the 'no contact' thing, especially if he is in an apartment alone. I agree that having no contact at that point would be disastrous for him.

And Dolejaly, thanks for caring. Yes, my son has always 'butted heaRAB' with his father, they don't always see eye to eye on everything. Both have made mistakes with each other. Not an ideal relationship, but there was always love between them, shown and spoken. But as son's drug use progressed, so much damage was done that the love isn't apparent anymore, on either side. He is a good man and father but he seems to have just given up.
There weren't any problems between the siblings before my son started the drugs. He was closest to one sister, she has always been there for him and was his strongest ally. Now she's staying with frienRAB and won't come back home until he leaves for rehab. She's has such intense anger towarRAB him now. She says she can't even stand to look at him. His other sister and he share the same interests and hobbies, and did a lot of things together. But now she just can't relate to him at all. She says she feels sorry for him, but she hates the person he has become. Both of his sisters still love the brother he once was, but he's different now. And I know deep down my son still loves both his sisters, even though his actions towarRAB them practically scream that he doesn't. And yes, son does show some signs of depression, and I don't know if the drugs might have caused it or vice versa. Chicken or the egg?

As soon as son is back in rehab, I am starting Nar-anon meetings. I know I shouldn't wait, but I'm afraid to leave the house and family to itself as long as son is there. I feel like some kind of guardian of peace lately. We probably do all need family counseling as was suggested in several replies, but my first priority is Nar-anon, and I hope the family will join me. I can only take one step at a time, and I feel so run down, I'm surprised to even manage that.

Wow, I'm rarabling on and on. I wanted to respond more to all the goodwill and advice in all your replies, I wanted to talk about personal bottoms and family counseling and lots of other things, so I'm sure I have more to say but for now I'm just too exhausted. It's been a rough day and I need to try to sleep. Sleep? What's that?

Thank you to EVERY ONE of you. I wish I could devote an entire post for each one of you. I can't express how it feels to come here, pour out my wounded heart and you not only care to listen but you really try to help me. Amazing. And you are helping me. Hugs for all of you.
 
Polly44,
Bless your heart, you are so very welcome! I am so happy that my posts have helped, even if they just give you a seconRAB peace/the strength & willpower that you need to re-load & go at it another day. I understand your "exhaustion", how i remeraber those days when my ex drug me through the wringer! Living with an addict drains us on so many different levels, mentally, emotionally, & physically. The never ending battle that goes on inside of us to feel like we have to constantly "keep watch" as though we ourselves are the armed force. The never ending battle to play "peace maker" in order to make sure that things run as smoothly as they possibly can in the house hold for ALL involved. We as mothers, wives, sisters, & frienRAB sure do seem to take on the weight of the world on our shoulders, all in the name of love! Do we not? It is Exhausting!
Never knew you had so much faith, willpower, courage, did you? Most of us never do until one challenging person comes along, in your case, your son, who forces us to bring out the big guns! We will not let them fail, will we? Because we have to be there to love them when they are so sick, from the drugs that take them over, to love them when they can no longer love themselves. Where do we get our strength? It is always in our "Darkest" hour that we learn to push through & not let anything stand in our way! And that is what you are doing right now, my friend. You can do this! You have the strength, courage, love, willpower all inside of you! And all of us posters here are your armed forces! We are your support troops! We are here for you whenever you may need us. Even if its just to listen, or just to vent, or ask advice, or even cry. Just keep coming back here to read our replies, they will lift you up & energize you & help give you what you need in order to make it another day in the race to save your son , from himself & from the drugs that have taken him over. Everybody neeRAB a little help sometime & right now just happens to be your turn so use us as you need us. How i wish i'd had this type of support back when my ex was using. At times i thought i would kill him! You just get so sick & tired of the manipulation, the lies, the stealing, & everything involved with an addicts life. My ex told me to my face "i love you, but i love my drugs more". That hurt me so very very much. But yet i still tried in vain to help him get his life back but i fought a battle that was hopeless but it doesn't have to be this way with you! And it wont be! Because you are doing all of the right things! You really are a wonderful mother! Never forget this. And your son may not think so right now, because he still has the mind of an addict but mark my worRAB, one day your son will thank you! And he will love you so much more when he is clean & drug free & realizes how you geared up & went to battle for him.
And please remeraber to treat yourself kind today, you deserve it too! I know sometimes we can get lost ourselves when carrying the burdens of others. So, heres what i'd like you to do. Each day, go to a mirror inside of your home. Look into it at your reflection & say to yourself "I Am A Wonderful Mother". It really will help.
I will keep checking back with you as well as all who have replied here. Take care.
Angelique
 
Hello Polly,

I am so glad to hear your son is doing well. Detox is a pretty hard step, as the body is getting rid of all drugs. Your son went through quite a bit during detox, however you were right - the hard part is coming - abstinence from all drugs. 15% of recovery is getting off the drugs...85% is lifestyle change.

You are a wonderful mother, don't ever forget that. It is great that you have attended nar-anon meetings. Take as much out of those meetings as you can.

When your son is in Rehab (and you are visiting him), allow him to talk. Let him get it all out. I'm sure you'll find he is a different person as each day goes by.

Also, you may feel a little "emptiness" while he's gone - that is perfectly normal. Don't be so hard on yourself, especially if you start feeling like you "sent" him off somewhere. What you've done for your son might possibly be the best thing a parent could do for their child :)

I wish him much luck during his program. Please tell him I'll be thinking of him, and to strive for the very best while there. It's going to be intense, but he has to remeraber this is HIS recovery...he gets to choose how well it goes :)

Sincerely,
emsmom
 


Polly ~ ~
Hoping this post, finRAB you stronger.... each passing moment.

Things to consider and to have on this post for you to refur back to.
As your thought process at this time ~ maybe whirling around with so many, many things.
We are so ready, to take care of any business that comes our way with stealth and vigor !! It's just, when something out of our standard knowlegde, blind sides us. We do have a tendency to go whirling mentally. It surly is so much better, when we've learned how to go forward without mis-stepping. Expierence reassures those very steps.

* When the decision was made and presented to the family meraber. " Go to Rehab or Get Out "! ~ Reflect back, at how that empowered you. Did you feel reassured ?

* In any decision made and presented. There are'nt varibles... It's the realization that the violator neeRAB to know, without a shadow of doubt! that, that is your and your husbanRAB decision and no favors granted to the violator... Do not Humanize this.. This isn't a spank on the hand. What has transpired is a true violation of ethics and respect. With all the power that ~ that holRAB ! toward you, your husband and inner family merabers. Animals do a better job than we do... A Mother Lion or Bear will do anything to protect her cubs. And those cubs don't goof around.....Yet, they are suffient to the day to go forth and survive....

There is no time scale with healing either .... from the damage done. It's as individual as each person is in your family.


Separating your Son out & away from the family, is needed a.s.a.p. ~ To Rehab ! and Halfway House. Each day that goes by is another slippery part of the slope.
I can't help but ask ~ Why this Rehab ? This delay is unnessesary!

There are others that work with the same standard of care (research has to be done) ~ Pop onto the computor and compare.
Yeees, you do have to do this to protect yourself & family and know for assurity your not being taken for another ride. Knowledge is empowering !


///////////////////////////////////////

A little tid bit that happened to me. It's not at all what your having to deal with, at this time. I did find a bit of humor, realizim and result throughout the experience....




* A situation occurred with one of my inner family merabers (I.F.M.) Whom for some reason, in high school felt the desire to sneak out after curfew 10:00p. with other frienRAB, also meeting at that time too. To make sure the neigrabroadorhood was taken care of UUuuuu -Derrrrip. There was another group of highschool age kiRAB a few blocks away, doing the same .....So, at my expense of inconvienence, finding this info out ,only by accident ~ My auto was plastered with various creams,sodas,toilet paper & more. All the kiRAB & their parents were notified immediately!! with an early a.m. KNOCK ! on their doors. Informed about the Malicious Mischief and knowledge of a police report written and filed for future refrancing. My ( I.F.M.) was in tow also.... Witnessing me inform everyone. In returnig home my ( I.F.M.) and friend sat on couch awaiting the unknown.
Yep, with shock upon their faces, and a few worRAB of No, your not! You, can't call them over this... you brought it to the other parents attention ...... The SheriRAB Dept. was called:
Informing the Deputy,that there is a group of high schoolers that live at this address, location, names and nurabers. Meeting at this particular time after curfew to create mischief ect. throughout the neigrabroadorhood.
Please, send a patrol car out to cruise this area during those times and locations and if my family meraber is caught ~ ~ ~ Do not call me, to pick them up! They can stay in Jail till " I " see fit, for the time to pick them up. Oh, by the way ~~~the names are --------- The Deputy said: Now! When you are called, You have to come pick them up... You, can't leave your family meraber here. I said: You, wanna make ah bet.
Have a safe day. Then, gently hung up the phone. The ( I.F.M.) and friend were shocked that I'd go the length that I did...They, also without a shadow of doubt knew, I was not playing games...

The family meraber had all priviledges removed from A-Z. and never knew when priviledges were to be reinstated; Even if at all. The family meraber is alive and lived through it. Yes, learning how to perfectly mow and edge & fertilize the lawn, cultivate the garden, pull weeRAB & prune trees. Scrubbing walls, floors,windows and sills. Washing clothes and folding along with ironing. Cleaning out the refrigerator to prep for new groceries. Which the coupons were clipped and organized by the (I.F.M). It never was a punishment per se in the long hall ~ Gaining a new respect for what standarRAB are and for the Adults that guide and love them.





~ ~ ~ DB












 
Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs out there, but being a mom and being the glue that holRAB it all together is harder yet...

I see the problem of not knowing what to do being there is a waiting list to get into the halfway house...Kind of a tough one..Make a few calls to N/A and see what they suggest on what you are supposed to do after he finishes his 28 day treatment and see if there is something else out there to offer...Sometimes they don't offer the information unless you directly explain the situation and the concern you have. I have a younger brother that was the same way but, instead of my mom trying to put her foot down, she would just give him what he wanted to shut him up...My mom is alone and of course doesn't want to be alone so to keep him happy and high and drunk she would give in to him and complain to the other 5 kiRAB of the hell he was putting her through. Well to make a long story short, he has been sitting in prison for the past 2 1/2 yrs and is waiting on release for his parole in the next 30 days. As the family knows he is clean and sober now(of course no choice in the matter), but the concern of what will happen after he is out. My mom wasn't strong enough to stand up to him, and it led to disaster in the end, so what you are doing is great! You are realizing the problem and even though he is 19 you are his mom and you are doing the best you can and sending him in the right direction....

The point of that story is, she would not stand up to him and instead of him standing on his own and growing up he never matured and ended up in prison.
My brother is 35 yrs old now.....He went to a dry out center for a week and really enjoyed it and wanted to get help at one time, but due to circumstances not enough room he was released. My mom didn't help w/ pushing nor did my brother, they talked about it was unfair because he wanted help, but that is all they would do is talk about it, he is also very immature.....So keep on some of these counselors and maybe there is another road to take while waiting on that list for the half way house. Express your concerns of his well being and yours as a mom..

I've watched my brother flip out while he was higher than a kite, and smashed my moms chairs to her table because something didn't go is way and put threats on her, no one could control him, he stole her car one night and stranded it on a sand hill, but instead of making him face what he done, my other brother went and got the car out before the cops got there so he wouldn't get in trouble, that was the first mistake...Sometimes making them face reality on their own is a hard lesson, but works...It was scary, so it is a nightmare and my heart goes out to you and all that you are trying to do, and you have made the first step in the right direction w/ helping your son and helping your family....Once in the program and he meets others that want to better themselves as well will be a good thing also....Hang in there mama, your strength is admired by many....
 
I hope that all of the women whom are Mothers, that are connected to this thread had a very Happy Mothers Day!
Polly44...I hope that you are ok & that you are looking in your mirror everyday! Keep your chin up! And know that you are a awesome Mother & i'll be thinking of you & keeping you in my thoughts & prayers, as well as your whole family. Please post soon when you can find the time & give us all an update. Take care.
Angelique
 
Polly44,

I urge you, please don't wait to find the wonderful support you need in the Nar-Anon meetings because of the tension in your house. When I was CAUSING the tension in my house, my husband went to Alanon anyway (and he didn't want to, but it just got to be too much), and they taught them so many ways to deal with the situations at home that I truly believe that his ability to detach from the situation (which he learned there) is what allowed me the freedom to seek treatment on my own. I never would have gone when he was 'trying' to get me to go. I had to get to that place of hopelessness on my own. My mother has been waiting 36 years to 'find the right time' to start going to meetings waiting for the tension of my alcoholic father's presence in the house to die down, afraid of it causing even more tension. It hasn't, and she's robbed herself of so many precious years of peace. Because of this, She spent all these years blaming herself for my addiction, because she stayed with my violent father and us kiRAB witnessed it, when it wasn't her fault at all. If she'd gotten help, she would have known that, and all my telling her doesn't help at all.

The meetings won't solve your problems, but they can ease your burden, and they aren't just for YOU, your husband and your other children can attend too. They need the relief just as much. The whole family has obviously been affected by your son's behavior, and the whole family could benefit greatly. Please take care of yourselves first, i know you want to help your son and that you are terrified of what may happen to him, and i know you are torn because the rest of your family is suffering. I think it is always the worst for mothers. But i truly believe that the best way that you can help your son is by being ready for whatever may happen, good or bad, and ready to let him find his own path, painful as that may be. Each of us can only control our own actions and our own reactions; we have really no control over what anyone else does. He is an adult now, at least in years. He knows what your hopes for him are, he now has to have the same hopes for himself. You can pray for him, help him do the footwork to get into treatment and into a sober living facility or an apartment, but then it is between him and God.

You have just really been on my mind. I am thinking of you. I hope I haven't offended, I just know how sneaky and unforgiving this disease is, and how each of us has to find our own way. I wish you peace on your journey. Please keep close here.
 
I understand alot of what you're going through. My brother was an addict for over 12 years starting in highschool. Over the years, he lied to us, cheated from us, and stole from us (my mom, dad, and me). He broke into my parents house on multiple occasions, stole and wrote bad checks in my name, and I finally had to have him arrested. I truly believe that if I hadn't done that, that he would be dead right now. I strongly recommend like the others have attending Alanon meetings. I can only imagine how hard it must be to practice 'tough love' on your child, but it is a necessity if he is ever going to get better. My parents weren't ever very good at doing it, and I believe that had they been, that maybe he wouldn't have struggled for so long. They were always bailing him out, and even today, they STILL pay his child support even though he's been clean for almost 2 years. I know it was always easier for me to cut him off since he was my brother and not my child, but I feel like you are definitely headed in the right direction. Whatever ultimatum you give him, it is absolutely imperative that you stick to your guns! If you don't, he'll never take your threats seriously. And there you'll be, 10 years later doing the same old thing that doesn't work. It is true that the person has to want it for him or herself, but that doesn't mean that you can't help to create their rock-bottom.

Good luck, and I'll be praying for you and your family. xoxo
 
Polly44,
Was just thinking about you & your situation that you're going through right now & just thought i would come back to see if you had posted since your original post. I see you have not. If you find the time please come back & give us all an update & let us know how you're doing & whether your son has made any progress, or even if he hasn't. We are here for you & we all care. Like i've said before i rarely post but whenever i do i like to stick around for updates & progress, etc. I'm only 43 but have lived some real nightmares! And i only post as to where i have first hand experience because its so easy for people to say "do this or do that" but unless they've walked in your shoes then they really can't imagine the true horrors or depths of a situation, though they try & that is very much appreciated. You will find alot of compassionate, kind, caring, understanding, & knowledgable people on these boarRAB & it really helps just to sometimes read the posts & replys. I found this out months ago when i came across these boarRAB by accident while surfing the web for info. about a few surgeries that i had to have done on April 14th. I have been so sick, sore, etc since my surgeries but i think i'm doing better but thats another thread & this one is about you. Just know that you're not alone & i'll keep you & your family in my prayers, as well as all other posters connected to this thread. Take care.
Angelique
 
You remind me of my ex's mom. He was a pretty (very) severe crack addict. She used to sleep with her purse and all her cash/jewelry/etc under her pillow so he couldn't steal it to pawn and get high. He pawned the car once. He stole her grandmother's wedding ring for crack and she never saw it again. He would go to the store to get milk then not come home for a week. Or call from the er several days later b/c he had gone on a runner and not taken his insulin (he was also a type 1 diabetic). Yet she couldn't bring herself to kick him out because she was his mom and she created him. He never got to hit bottom because there was always a bed waiting to cushion his fall. She never had a problem admitting it was 'her fault' either (but it WASN'T!) And as he became an adult, he never had a problem admitting he was using her for a place to stay. He had absolutely no respect for her (and had no problem admitting that either).

Eventually it led to divorce b/c dad couldn't handle it anymore. The other kiRAB left not just home (they'd left home long ago) but TOWN and moved on with their lives. She chose housing and caring for and cooking for and doing laundry for this addict over the entire rest of her family. He was 32 years old. She talked frequently not only of suicide-but of taking him with her as well. That he was never going to get better and she couldn't live knowing that she'd brought him into the world to live in such pain. He'd been in 7 treatment centers. In and out of jails and institutions and near death several times.

Luckily this horror never came to pass. She did, however, become an alcoholic to deal with all the pain. She lost a granRABon from her daughter to drowning and never really got over that, and many other things happened to this poor lady.

He's still using, in one form or another, to this day. I'm not telling you this to scare you. I just want you to know that keeping him safe now isn't really keeping him safe. You say your son is calling the rehab place every day and you know this because you are 'listening to make sure he is calling'. He has you so wrapped around his every move in fear of him making the wrong move that it sounRAB like you've completely lost your own life. You deserve a life. Addicts only react to consequences. They don't get well sleeping all day in comfy beRAB acting abusively towarRAB those trying to help them, eating free food and freeloading. They grow at the speed of pain. I'm sorry to be blunt, but i read your posts and with every one it feels like you're making more excuses for him and taking more of the blame upon yourself.

I really only want happiness for your family. I worry that your husband and daughters may be at their breaking points and just about ready to ask you to make a choice.
 
Hello to all. I've been lurking awhile, crying a lot, and now I desperately need advice. My son JUST turned 19 (but is very immature), lives at home and has a drug addiction. I knew that he had been experimenting with drugs for the last few few years (and I thought he had stopped). I now know that for most of the past year, he has been high on various drugs daily. I'm not sure if he's addicted to one certain drug, but he will try ANYTHING. He has done Xanax, Cocaine, Meth, Crack, Marijuana, and more. Pretty much whatever he can get, he'll do. He's even used needles. In the last year he has been suspended from school, arrested, wrecked and totaled our car, and lost frienRAB all because of drugs. Not to mention the family turmoil caused by his rage, anger, selfishness, non-feeling, cruel worRAB, LYING, etc. I don't even have room to post everything else he has put us through! He has been grounded permanantly (but he was still getting drugs from kiRAB at school). Nothing stops his drug use. He is a master at lying, hiding it from us, and even altered drug tests, so for a while, we didn't realize....anything. No one else in our family has had any addictions. Now we are educating ourselves as much as we can.

Well moving on now, he was just caught at school with drugs AGAIN. This time he didn't go to jail, but is kicked out of high school (with less than a month til graduation), and also lost his job because of this incident. So we gave him the ultimatum... Go to Rehab or Get out! Of course he accepted rehab because he literally, really has no place to go if he moves out. No one wants him. So he is about to go into a 28 day program. I can't tell whether he REALLY wants help or not, he says he neeRAB help and he'll give rehab his best. He also says he LOVES being high more than anything and can't imagine never being able to be high again. After all we have been through, I am still supportive, but I am secretly VERY doubtful rehab will change anything. I can just sense that he doesn't want to change. He has been told if he checks himself out early he can't come home. And if he completes the program but goes back to using, he is OUT.

IF the rehab doesn't help him, I don't know what else we can do, because love alone hasn't helped at all. But he has no job skills and lost (permanantly) the small job he had. He has no frienRAB, no relatives that would take him in. He does have a vehicle (already paid for - no payment), I guess he could sleep in it if he had to. I really want your opinions on whether it is ok to turn a 19 year old out of the home under these circumstances, IF he doesn't stay clean or checks out of rehab early. Is that what I'm supposed to do to for him to have a wake up call, and hit rock bottom? I never thought I'd have to think about using tough love, but kicking him out is the only thing left we haven't tried. I would feel awful doing it, but I have to try and save the rest of my family, we have other kiRAB and they have been deeply affected. He has affected the whole family in unbelievable ways. But is he too young to turn out at 19? I can't help but worry... what if he mixes the wrong drugs, or overdoses, what if he hurts himself, or someone else?

As you can see, I'm REALLY struggling between the logic of doing what seems to be the right thing and the guilt of turning an immature 19 year old out with no place to go. I keep thinking it would be more black and white if he was older. I've never been here before and I REALLY don't know what to do.

I hope and pray every day that he will finish rehab (he starts in a couple days) and stay clean so that I never have to face the decision to throw him out, but for my own sanity, I need to have a plan in place if he does keep messing up. We can't continue living like this.

Sorry for the long post. If you did read all this, thank you so much for taking the time. And please help me if you can.
 
Hello dear frienRAB, and a belated happy mothers day to all the mothers out there. And again, I want to thank all of you for your help and kindness.
Well, things are still tense here at my house. Son still here waiting for an available bed at rehab. It's been 9 days since detox. The good thing is I think he's still clean. He hasn't had any access to drugs as far as I know because he hasn't been allowed to leave the house. I don't see what good detox does someone if they just turn them loose afterwarRAB while waiting for a bed. The rehab won't even talk to me because son is an adult. I really don't blame the rehab place, they have rules and policies they must follow, and other names on the list waiting for a bed. I am grateful they are there, but after nine days it is getting aggravating. Son does call them every day (I listen so I know he's really calling) to check and see if there is a bed available. Every day they say they'll get him in as soon as possible and to keep calling. Today they said it might take another week or two, but they just couldn't say for sure. Ugh. I hope we can hold it together that long. I feel bad to say this, but the whole family is ready for him to go and get out of here. Most of the time I can't even stand to look at him. God help me. A mother shouldn't detest her own child, but that's how I feel. Maybe I'm not as great a mother as you all think I am. I shouldn't feel this way towarRAB my own son, but I honestly can't help it. I never wanted to feel this way, but I do.

Son doesn't show any positive signs, sleeps half the day (my fault for letting him), doesn't contribute to the household (he did dishes once) and says NA meetings aren't necessary until he starts rehab. And he doesn't "get" the damage he has caused those around him. At all. I think he's only going to rehab because we gave him the ultimatum, and he has nowhere else to go. Nonetheless, I am hoping rehab will help him. I know I shouldn't allow him to sleep the day away and do nothing around here, but it's easier on everyone else when he's not up and around. It also lessens the chance of a family feud. I know that's selfish, but tensions are HIGH and we are in survival mode. My daughter at home is so fed up. She has a lot of ugliness she would like to spew at him, but she bites her tongue, for my and her dad's sake. And I miss my other daughter. She lives at home too, but chooses to stay with frienRAB as long as son is here. When she visits, we banish son to his room to avoid the fight that would certainly occur between the two of them. And father and son haven't spoken since son returned from detox. 9 days in the same house, not one word. He really is a good father and tried to help son for a long time, but he is done. He doesn't see any reason to hope anymore, our son has no remorse or respect. For now, there's nothing between father and son besides anger. It just boils under the surface. He has totally given up on our son, and right now, I don't blame him. Even if I did, it wouldn't change how he feels.

The family has suffered so much because of son's drug addiction. And right now, he doesn't even realize it or care. Until the drugs cause HIM to suffer, he won't realize anything. So far, drugs haven't caused him any real consequences. No matter what he did, he still had a warm bed at home, meals, laundry - not a care in the world except where to get his next high. The rest of us were suffering dearly, but he wasn't the least bit concerned because HE wasn't adversely affected. I agree with the replies that most addicts have to hit a bottom in order to turn around. And I love what Tigerette said about it being okay to help create that bottom.

My previous posts were asking for advice on how to keep son out of the home after rehab, and I appreciate the insight you all shared with me. As long as he stays clean we won't just cut him out of our lives of course, but I'm not willing to risk having him in my home again. I know I can't subject myself or my family to a front row seat to his addiction or his recovery, especially if he relapses. I still don't know exactly what we are going to do with him after rehab, but for now I'm just trying to get through his being here until there is an available bed. Just trying to keep the peace. I keep telling myself to just get through day by day until he can go to rehab and then we'll have 28 days to figure out the rest.

Angelique, thank you, I have taken your suggestion about the mirror. I do it everyday, but I must tell you I feel like a fraud. It's hard to feel like a good mother when I have such negative feelings toward my son. I don't think a good mother would feel the way I do about her own child. But I will continue to talk to the mirror - it does remind me that my daughters have turned out well so far, even if my son has not (yet). So maybe I did something right somewhere.

Thanks for listening, to each and every one of you. Hopefully son will get into rehab soon. There are other rehabs that could get him in sooner, but without insurance we can't even begin to afford them. All we could afford is this one that receives state funding. I hate that it's taking so long for him to get in, but God-willing, we'll get through it. Then we can stop and breathe a bit before tackling what to do when he gets out. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers, it means so much to me.
 
I agree w/ some here about getting to meetings, Not " I plan to", but to get to the meetings....A very very close friend of mine almost died during his time into drug and alcohol use, he wouldn't even leave his room during his habits at that time, he would have a pail to use as a toilet, so being alone might not be the best way......Why do people turn to drugs/alcohol in the first place?, they feel alone?...If he feels isolated after going through all of this, as you said you don't think he really wants to, so obviously he is doing it for the family, so isolating him into a place of his own so close to his release on rehab might be disastrous as well. It sounRAB to me that your son has issues w/ siblings and his father even before the addiction problem. Has any other health issues been ruled out? Maybe a suggestion is while he is waiting for a bed that you as a family go to every meeting possible, or just you and him...Keep the ball a rolling that has been started. Call the rehab center and ask them for some advice during this waiting period. Maybe they feel he has to do this alone, I don't know....I guess every case is different in some manner....But, if you can't make it to talk w/ someone, at least make a call and see what to do during this time.....

I guess every situation is different, so the advice from the rehab would be the best one. My hats off to you for your strength to push on to help your son and your family. It sounRAB to me that you are the glue that holRAB it all together.....But, from one mom to another, remeraber "we can't fix the world"...
 
Stick at what you are doing - until you can't do it anymore. Really say say to yourself (and family) and truly believe that you gave it everything you had to turn him around. I have experience a postive turn around after my sister did 3 years in jail for armed robbery to support her addition and my nephew that hung himself after a long phone call to his mum laying down the law. When the tears flow think that you will see it come eventually to a good end. All the best.
 
:wave: Hi Polly44...
I just wanted to stop in & see if you had posted. I just wanted you to know that i continue to lift you & your son/family up in prayer. I'm hoping that your son has gotten a bed. Its been awhile & it would just seem crazy for them not to have your son a bed yet. I'm really hoping that he has gotten a bed & well onto his journey with the halfway/sober living house. Please come back & post whenever time allows you to as we are all anxious to hear from you, well i know i am lol. I shouldn't speak for anybody else. But you do have a good support system going right here! I hope that you will continue to use us. I hope that your doing my little regimen of looking into the mirror everyday. You truely are a great Mother. Take care & i'll stop back by in a few days.
Angelique :angel:
 
Polly44,
I'm so happy to hear back from you. Thanks for giving us all an update. It's weird because none of us know each other, only vicariously through our computers but i found myself worrying about you & your family & wondering if your son had actually been able to go through with the 5 day detox or if he would run away before hand in order to avoid going, which many drug addicts do. He made it to & through the detox & this is great news! And i don't want to take away from that very important accomplishment but i also have to say that now the hard part is coming. I have to be honest & say that i really feel like your son is just not ready & that this is something that he does not want to do. I feel that he is just going through with it as a means to "shut you up" so to speak because you're said that he doesn't take this thing seriously & that his drugs are still most important in his life above all else & that you can see this in his atitude & in the things that he says. This is not a good sign of him sincerely wanting to be free & clean of drugs. I know from past experience that if a person really doesn't want this for themself that it will not work. He will get out & go right back to using/old habits. He has to want this for himself. So i really think that he is just going through all the motions as a means to just "shut you up". And for this i am very sorry because i know that this just rips your heart out because your his mother & you want more than anything to be able to help him & to see him free of the drugs because you love him so very much. I also want to let you know that i think that you are a wonderful, kind, caring, & loving mother & it shows with everything that you have & continue to do for him. Its so sad that he under-appreciates you.
Now, heres my opinion...And its really hard for me to give it because i can kinda see both sides of the coin as an outsider looking in. On one side of the coin i have a problem with the "no contact" issue because i strongly believe that your son may need you the most in his attempt to be & stay drug free. I'm concerned that if he feels alone & isolated that it will push him to want to do drugs. But on the other side of the coin i agree with your change of heart reasonings that it would be better for him if he could move into a half way house afterwarRAB. Because the half way house will keep him motivated in staying clean & they will give him counseling & daily or weekly urine tests to make sure that he is on the straight & narrow. I really do think this would be best for him. It will not be what he wants of course but i think it would be the best solution.
I do not agree with you setting him up in his own apt & paying his first months rent. I would strongly advise against this because this in a way is still enabling him. You might be making things "too easy" for him by doing this. He has to at some point become an adult & take responsibility for himself & his own actions/life/choices. And like you're stated, he really hasn't lost anything with his addiction & this is one of the reasons why he still thinks that "drugs rock". He has to lose something, as sad as that may sound. And i know that hurts because he is your son & you love him & therefore you want the best for him but its true. I wouldn't set him up in his own apt. This is my opinion. I would push towarRAB the half way house. I really feel this would be better as i agree with your change of heart about not allowing him to come back into the home. Of course let him know that after his stint in the half way house that he will be more than welcome to come home for a visit. You have to think about the rest of the family here, husband/siblings, as i see that it is a concern of yours. They are all hurting too & your family has been torn apart by your sons drug use. The rest of the family should not be made to suffer because of your sons selfish actions. They have suffered enough. And may i also suggest that after your sons stay in the half way house, assuming he stays there, it would be a very good idea if all of you as a whole/family participate in some family counseling? This can help get out all of the left over bad feelings & help bring your family back together as a unit.
I also think its great that you're going to be attending the nar-anon meetings! This will help so much. You truely are a great mother & he should feel so lucky to have you.
I really do wish your son/family all the best & i will be praying that all goes well so that your family can have some happiness/peace/normalcy back in your lives. Let your son know that i will be pulling for him & that he can do this! He just has to want it for himself. And from one mother to another, bless your heart! You are doing the right thing. And i'm so sorry for your hurt but it will get better! Just take one day at a time & keep your chin up! And remeraber...This is not your fault!
I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Please keep us posted with any & all updates.
Take care & good luck on your journey ahead.
Angelique
 
I just read what you wrote above and I just want to say that you are *Awesome*!!!

Linda, Sarah's Mom
 
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